Month: September 2007

Workin’ Out With Joan Lunden!

   I like to work out. I’m no gym rat but I consider myself in relatively good shape. I have a membership to the local health club and run at least two to three miles everyday. You know, not an olympian but I don’t pass out from climbing stairs. But lately I have become a little complacent with my workouts and really felt the need  to change it up. This is a little embaressing to admit because I was a Muscle Physiology major and a personal trainer for many years. I certainly couldn’t turn to some meat-headed trainer that can’t even touch his own ears and was certified with the help of Speak and Spell. No, I need to change to something that will shock the system and have people asking, “Bill, what’s your program, man? You’re ripped!”  What could it be…..?

Joan Lunden to the rescue! This is definitly where no man should go but desperate times calls for 1980’s morning anchor measures. But before I can hit muscle failure, pray to the Gods of Physical Fitness for mercy and lose my lunch to the comforting voice of Good Morning America, I need to prepare by getting in the mind set to work out with Joan herself. But really before all that I need a beer. After all, I need to carbo load!

After firing up the VCR and inserting Workout America I am graced by a quick one on one with the queen herself! Joan gets personal with just me about the trials and tribulations of childbirth, stress at work, and the fact that it has been an uphill battle shedding 40 pounds. Even though she has been off the air for years, it’s strange to see her out of the suit and into a lee-a-tard. It’s like seeing your high school teacher in a swimsuit and there is something just creepy about that. But all apparell aside, Joan Lunden was only a focus in my life when there was a chance that school would be cancelled because of snow. My mom always had Good Morning America on before I left for the bus stop but I only paid attention to the scrolling list at the bottom of the screen, looking desperatley for Mt. Bethel on the closed list. If it was, Joan Lunden was the recipiant of kisses and TV hugs. If it was not , she was promptly cursed. It’s not even like shooting the messenger. She just took the blame. Sorry Joan.

It’s go time! The work out starts with the old “walk in place” while Joan, three fit chicks and one fitness expert, Barbara Brandt, start the motivational chat. Barbara reminds me of the typical super mom/ PTA leader/ aerobics instructor/ trophy wife. The type to send your mom a Christmas card, bragging about herself and family while subliminally calling her fat. A real bitch.  At least she is good at what she does; making you walk in place, clapping, and being totally oblivious to the fact you that look like a fuckstick. But if clapping and walking will stop the monotony of my workouts then bring it on! I wonder what else she has up her sleeve?

Joan and Barbara have oldie but a goodie up their sleeve. That’s right folks! I’m doing The Charelston with the blinds closed. Hrm….the beer is kicking in so maybe I will open them. I can’t believe it but the pain session is just old dance moves combined with signature pelvic thrusts. It is akward to hear Barbara call the thrusts, ” female muscle thrusts” but it is even more disturbing to hear Joan back her up with a “We know what those are for!”

     It’s hard to believe that I am starting to sweat the beer I am drinking but hell, I think this is working! I feel pretty funny dancing like a flapper girl and slapping my thighs but whatever. I like who I am and if Joan Lunden is making me sweat than that is great. I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks and you better believe that these dance moves are in the bag for later. Except for the jerk. I can see me trying to explain that.

“No, no…it’s not gay! I learned it from a Joan Lunden workout tape!”


Well ladies and gentlemen, we’re not used to getting our news from this end. Actually this is a side rarely seen on Good morning America. But I guess it is a testament to the effectiveness of Barbara’s ancient dancing and clap-happy moves. clap-happy                           
BEAT YOUR FACE LUNDEN! I’M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR EARS, PUT THEM IN YOUR BACK POCKETS AND KICK YOU ASS IN SUROUND SOUND! yOUR SOUL BELONGS TO JESUS BUT YOU ASS BELONGS TO ME!


The push up! I can’t believe it but I am doing push ups with Joan to the music of a sony keyboard demo button! What kind of a world am I living in?  I really think I am starting to push my luck now that I find myself being coached to squeeze my pelvic muscles while preforming push ups. I hope we move to abs soon. No one likes to feel like a weinie and I am starting to feel like a stay at home mom.

Well, I finished all the excercises like a true champ. I even had to stretch for the final minutes while listening to the  ladies go on and on about how great it is to release the stress from their bodies. I must say that I feel much better. Maybe it is the six pack of Sam Adams talking, but I feel fit and firm.
                                                 
But what the Fuck? This isn’t what I wanted! I can’t have these! Barbara and Joan gave me child bearing hips!
                                                                                                                                                     You see what happens when you break out of the norm and try to be creative? You get chick hips. That’s worse than man boobs, cankles and pooch combined!  Thanks a lot Joan Lunden. I thought you were ok until this happened.

Well that concludes it. I am going to stick to what works. The same old boring thing. I can’t rely on old icons of the eighties to give a new perspective on life. But I did find out one thing. You should never throw out the “fat pants.”

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It’s German For Noisy Ghost

 I watched this again while digging through old VHS tapes. Every time it comes on TV I can’t help but watch it. So, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, here you go. I don’t do it justice but I still feel like writing a quick little overview. You are welcome. That’s when you come in with the thank you, by the way. I kid.

Today’s pick is a movie that made me fear spoons, closets, clowns, trees and empty swimmming pools.  This movie is responsible for a hike in the electric bill from leaving the hall light on and sleepless nights counting the seconds between the lightning and thunder. By now most can guess what movie I am talking about but if not, I believe it is one of the best  classics Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper could have accomplished. It’s Poltergeist.

Yep, this movie really didn’t convince people they were possessed or caused miscarriages like The Exorcist did but damn did it pop in the head around 10:00 at night.  Set in the early eighties in a perfect suburban neighborhood, (just like the one in E.T) the Freelings were the envy of any family striving for the American dream;  three kids, hot wife, huge house and a wood-panel station wagon.  The only strange thing is their three year old daughter talks to the TV when it is tuned to UPN. Oh yeah, and the dog barks at the wall, the silverware bends, glasses break, funiture stacks by itself on the kitchen table and there is a 6.5 rickter scale earthquake that only effects their bedroom. Besides that everything is ship-shape. All I have to say is if I saw bent forks and spoons and my child was playing 20 questions with TV static I would move. No shit. I would move. Well they didn’t and of course things went from whimsical to pure evil.

That’s right! While Diane and Steven Freeling were smoking pot and practicing the three meter board jumps from the bed, Robby is eaten by a tree, Carolann is eaten by the closet and the oldest, Kristiane is eating…..and screaming. Actually she eats and screams through out the whole movie. When Steven and Diane’s mellows were harshed they sprung into action to wrestle Robby from the mouth of the evil tree and tornado. I know…tornado.
Can you imagine reading this screen play? Earthquake in the bedroom, tornado in the backyard, trees swallowing kids! I think if this movie was in production today it would be doomed to be a TNT original. But thanks to Speilbergs touch and Tobe Hooper’s macabre twist it’s a winner.
Were was I? Oh yeah, so they are coming to grips that they have a paranormal something or other happening in their house and they need to get help because their youngest daughter, Carolann has been sucked into the closet and is now only audible on TV.  Try explaining that to Bill O’Rielly. So Steven goes to the local University, looking pretty rough, and invites paranormal investigators to help out. I enjoyed this part the best. Their professional demeanor was so cocky until they saw the kid’s bedroom. I would imagine most egos of that profession would deflate when you see he-man riding a horse, the bed flipping and a flying record being played by a compass. Or was that a protractor? Anyway… You can almost hear the old lady shit herself. Great scene.
With out telling the whole movie word for word, the situation proves to be too much for this team to handle after the the nerdy white guy, Marty gets bit by something after the dumbass trys to go into the the kids room, they find out there is a port hole to the next demention, 10,000 ghosts walk downstairs and through the den and poor Marty gets fucked with again after a great Chee-tos advertismentand, halucinates eating maggots and tearing his face off. Long sentence. By the way…..why would you tear your own face off?

So in final desperation they bring out the big guns and hire a medium-pshycic-cleanser-dwarf to bring Carolann back from the clutches of dead people and clean the house. I must say that whoever cast this lady did a bang up job. Steven Freeling is sceptical of her abilities but she soon proves her talent by putting him in his place. I wonder if she is someone’s grandmother? That would fuck you up. “All children…come in for supper…alllll are welcome.” sheesh…
So now it is time for battle and armed with tennis balls, rope and a bath tub full of water they go to the closet of “by location” to grab Carol Anne from the clutches of the pissed off dead. With coaching from the midget/cleanser, Dianne and Steven “rock, paper scissors” to see who would eneter the closet and Stevens rock smashes Diane’s scissors, so in she goes. While supported by rope held by her husband the midget pulls a 180 and starts to chant for all to enter the light. Without suprise, Steve-o flips out thinking the phycic is fucking up and starts to pull too early. And he reeled in a paper-matche head. I guess it was a skullish demon, but to me it was art class circa 1987. It was ok because Diane made a winning grab and with Carol Ann in arms, fell out of the portal covred in pink after-birth. For a moment there is tention because because the two were unresponsive and worst yet not breathing. So into the tub and wouldn’t you know it? That was the trick! With a gasp of air the family was reunited and the midget cleanser had to declare, “this house is clean.”

You remember when President Bush declared victory in Iraq a few years ago? Yeah, same thing here. The house was far from clean. Like all great horror movies, the Freelings seem to be back to normal. No need for intense psycho therapy. In fact they deside to spend one more night in the house that less then a few days ago tried to kill them.  It seems like the normal thing to do but E.Buz the dog knew, don’t take a bath or sleep without the closet light on in a house that has a history of haunting.  And for God sake, don’t have a freaking clown doll that everyone knows will come to life.  Well, the shit hit the fan and the ghosts really gave it their all. Diane was strapped to the cieling, the closet became a suck hole again, the toy clown tried to eat Robby, caskets jumped from the ground and Steven is at the bar telling his “no shit, there i was” stories while the bar tender cut him off. Steve comes home to shit twice and scream while kicking his boss repetedly in the balls yelling, “you moved the head stones but you didn’t move the bodies!”
Well, they escape. Sorry to ruin the movie but they drive away just as the house crumbles into an erie sustained light while all the gossiping neighbors come out to watch. The Freelings find shelter at the local Holiday Inn. Without possessions they retire to the room only to end the last scene with Steve pushing out the TV and shutting the door.  Que the credits.

I’m not saying that this is the best movie in the world but when I first saw it I was seven and it stuck with me since. Actually I saw it during a church retreat. Only the Catholics can host a weekend full of churchy stuff then flush it all away on “scary movie night.” It was this or Gondi. I got more out of “Poltergeist.”
I’m tired. That’s all I have to say about this. I think i am going to jabber about Chevy Chase’s “Vacation” but for tonight I am done. I will leave you with me drinking tea.

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People I Would Love To Have A Beer With

If you could spend a few hours at the bar with someone that you don’t know personally, who would it be? I can think of about a thousand because I like to believe that I get along with everyone but if I had to narrow it down, these are who they would be. If you are reading this I would also like to drink a beer with you too. That is pretty cool you take the time to read my thoughts about nothing. This Bud is on me.


Yeah, I know he is dead. But that aside, first on the list would have to be George C. Scott. I could imagine having a very worldly conversation while I drink 3 Michelobs to his one Johnny Walker Black on the rocks with a splash of water. He would enlighten me on what it takes to transform one’s self into rich, deep characters and make Oscar himself feel humble. After I get him buzzed I would ask him to act out the famous scene from Patton, “If we are not VICTORIOUS……then let no one come back alive.” In my mind that would create a standing ovation from the entire bar, including the regulars who have been there since 2:30 Happy Hour.

Alan Shepard. What can I say? As a pilot I am in awe of this guy, not just because he was a Naval Aviator and was the first American into space with Mercury space program but because this guy can beat any “no shit, there I was” story. I can’t tell you how many times I run into people who feel it is necessary to one-up you. I guess it is the culture of aviators to be cocky but I would like to hang out with someone who has strapped themselves to a rocket and was shot into space when there was a 1:3 chance of being vaporised. That should shut up the Net Jet fuckers. I swear there was a guy talking shit that had no side burns. What a tool.

I bet you don’t know who Tom Kenny is, do you? He is the voice of the character Spongebob Squarepants and at times he does a quick appearance as the Pirate. I would love to get loaded and sing the “Campfire Song ” with him. If you watch this clip below I will be singing Patrick’s part. “C A…. erf ..F, P ….fuck…I,M, damn it…. SONG! SONG! F, P….”

I really am not very mature. Surprised?

Another posthumous drinking partner would be the guy that was too cool for cool, Link Wray. Known as the Grandfather of distortion, he paved the way to all hard rock and just listening to his music makes me want to smoke a Lucky Strike in a Chili’s and put it out in a dudes margarita, just for spite. I can imagine Keifer Sutherland’s character in Stand By Me to be a Link Wray fan. If we were drinking at the bar I would be cool by association.

Yeah, I think a night getting hammered with The Wiggles would be worth bragging rights. There would never be a shortage of tunes and if I wore a long sleeved green shirt, for a night I could blend in and be a Wiggle. Can you imagine talking to girls at the bar?

You: Hello, what do you do for a living?

Girl: I’m a psycho therapist. What do you do?

You: I am a Wiggle. The green wiggle.

I imagine we would snub our nose at Karaoke bars and start our own dance number to a crowd of unsuspecting bar-flies. Then we would play rock-paper-scissors to see who would be DD and drive us home in the Big Red Car. Oh yeah, I’ve given this some thought.

I know what your thinking. I, however, feel for Lisa Nowak and would love to buy her a drink of her choice and say “it’s ok…it’s not your fault.” Then she would say, “I know.” Then I would say, “No, it’s not your fault.” Then she would say, “I know….” Then I would say, “It’s not your fault.” Then she would say, “Don’t do this to me…not you man, not you.” Then I would say, “It’s not your fault.” then she would would probably stab me in the leg with a fork.

Seriously, I am on her side. America loves to see successful people have momentary falls from grace. She lost everything for the fact she was in love. It may seem crazy what she did but if you are in the top 1% of IQ scores, your rationality when it comes to love maybe different from most. Lisa, I think you are great and I wish this didn’t happen to you. Sorry the sleaze of the American media felt it necessary to destroy you with exaggeration and slander.

I would definitely rock some brews with anyone who enjoys Matt Caracappa’s website, X-Entertainment.com including Matt himself. I think it is because these are the people who know how to enjoy the little things in life and nostalgic memories that I share too. My real job involves responsibility that if not done correctly could result in life in jail or death so I come to it every night to escape the pressure.

Oh the drinking games! I couldn’t even begin to imagine the drinking games my fellow X-E’ers know. But I am happy to just pop in and listen to people’s memories and days. I am usually drinking for SNT anyway. Thanks for that Matt.

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