So This Actually Happened

It hit me the other day that things happen to me and that’s normal because things happen to everyone. Only I tend to share them in a forum for many to laugh at. I find comfort, however,¬† that their laughter is marred by the deep-recessed knowledge that shit happens to them too.

This epiphany happened on Friday when a little kid accidentally peed on my leg at the mall. Let me paint the picture with words.

I was in the Spokane Valley mall this past Friday and after the long 130 mile trip from Moscow, two bottles of water and a coffee proved too much for my tank to hold. So, I went to the restroom. Quickly.

I don’t know about most other guys but when choosing a urinal I always try to pick a far right or left one just to lower the probability of having to pee next to someone. There is always an awkward period of silence and if it is broken, the awkwardness is increased exponentially. Here are three scenarios that happened over the past few years causing me to choose pee-solitude.

  1. 2004 Salt Lake International Airport: An elderly guy is peeing next to me and explaining that the first sign of prostate cancer is when the pee-stream goes “that way”, briefly taking his hands away from control position to demonstration position causing him to lose control, piss the front of his pants and scream, “DANG FUCK!”.
  2. 2009 Patty’s Too, Post Falls, Idaho: Guy peeing next to me farts and begins to fake cough. I couldn’t help but start to laugh which caused me to fake cough as well.
  3. 2002 US Naval Air Station San Diego: A drunk sailor steps up to the urinal next to mine and states as soon as he’s done he is going to punch me in the face. I finished first and calmly left, passing two Marines to whom he declared the same intention. You can guess…

So there are three perfect examples of why, given the choice, the urinal decision is important. But sometimes trouble comes to you and on Friday, trouble came in the form of an eight year old kid. This actually happened.

I walked into the empty mall restroom and before me where four urinals; two tall ones on the left and two shorter ones on the right. I chose the tall one on the far left. Shortly after an eight year old kid comes in and chooses the one right next to me and while I thought that was weird, I found it even more weird that he managed to pee positioning himself in such a way that his back was to me. Now it’s not that I was trying to watch a little kid pee (you perv) but there are some things you just can’t help but notice. Especially if it’s weird and kind of funny.

This little kid obviously wanted to use the “big guy” urinal and had no choice but to pee next to me. So, he tried as best as he could to do so discretely and he would have been successful but he forgot that there is a possibility of other people coming in the restroom. And people did. Realizing he was completely exposed by peeing with his pack to me, he freaked and quickly turned to his entire body position hard left, overshooting the urinal and crossing the stream over my leg…and then back again. With two lines of warm piss soaking into my pant leg I heard the kid let out a faint and defeated, “oooooh”.

You can not be mad at this. If you get mad at this, then you are a bad person. I know he didn’t mean such a faux pas and a faux pas of this epic scale usually involves a “talking to” but knowing that this kid was on the verge of tears over friendly fire, all I could say was “don’t worry about it, buddy”.

I walked over to the sink and proceeded to paper towel the accident away without making him feel worse. I fully expected him to sprint for the door, but God bless him, he remembered to wash his hands.

The Great Trek: The Last Day

Idaho: Where the elevation exceeds the population. -unknown

After a night of “moseying” I got up early and did the same thing I did the previous few mornings and made my way back to I-90. Even though Billings was pretty I was ready to get to Coeur d’ Alene. I guess it really started to hit me somewhere between Boseman and Bute that I had only seen a few pictures of the city that would soon be my home. There was this choking sensation in my throat like a sickly kid in school ingesting¬† peanuts. The enormity of this spontaneous move started to sink in because in 7 hours I would be in a city were I knew no one, had no place to live and school and work didn’t begin for another week. But, that’s how I do things. I do them as risky as possible.

Well, after an hour of making whimpering and wheezing sounds I calmed down and tried to take in some of the great state of Montana which, not surprisingly, was unbelievable. Then came the rain. But not before I stopped for gas and saw Burger Time! I have heard of these but never have I laid eyes on one. And now I have. Sorry about the bug guts.

I didn’t take too many more photos because the last leg of the journey really became hairy between the rain, mountain passes, construction and the 75 mph speed limit that didn’t let up at all. I was trying not to ‘fuck the dog’ with only a few short hours left in the trip. Can you imagine driving 2300 miles and wrecking with only 10 miles to go while trying to take a picture of trees? Almost happened.

Well, I battled the harsh weather over the mountain range and at the peak of the mountains I crossed over to the last state of the leg, Idaho. I was in the upper part of the great mistake, er, state and the next stop was the city of Coeur d’ Alene. Like a bomber pilot on his/her last mission, all I wanted to do was park and say that I made it with no incidences. And in 45 minutes I was able to do just that.

After a few moments of breathtaking beauty, as seen above, I took the City Center exit and made my way towards the visitors center so I could get a list of hotels and possibly a tip on where to get a couple of beers. That’s always of importance to me. I’m Just being honest. So I pulled in to the parking lot, stretched and walked up to the steps of the visitor center.

I don’t know why, but I was a little disappointed I didn’t have a welcoming committee awaiting my arrival. I imagined the mayor, Miss Idaho, a rodeo clown and a member of the local Native American tribe, all standing there with a basket of coffees, fruit and a ‘Welcome To Idaho’ t-shirt. Nope, it was just me and a dirty car.

So, the lady at the help desk did just that; she helped me. I found a Comfort Inn to shower and unpack a little and then I walked around the city center keeping an eye out for any welcoming places to drink a couple of cold ones. It was pretty chilly out too. Forgot to mention that I was wearing a sweater.

Foof! I look spent and I think that is with good reason. I found this really cosmopolitan bar called “The Beacon” that was full people in their late 20’s early 30’s. I didn’t stick out too much but I felt alone. Jim Morrison really hit it on the head when he sang “..people are strange, when you’re a stranger. Face’s look ugly, when you’re alone..” I suppose the bartender felt a little bad for me because my tab was cut in half and she gave me free shots. Who said pathetic looks don’t go far? Anyway, I made my way back to the room, grateful that the trip across the country was over, turned on the TV and drifted off to the theme song from Cheers. I want to go where everybody knows my name…

So, that wraps up the trip but I have been here for a few days and there is so much more to tell. I’ll keep these posts rolling. But for now I will leave you with a little known fact about Idaho. Above every urinal there is a head butt dent. I never knew that! And….now you know.

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