Hey! Remember those nonsensical reviews I have been doing with candy canes and old Christmas candy? Yeah, so I have expanded that to Easter candy. Specifically Jelly Beans. This isn’t really something that I wanted to do but rather something that I felt I had to do because when shopping for Easter candy, what you don’t know may destroy your family.
The bunny only comes when you sleep.
Jumpin’ Jesus there are a lot of Jelly Beans this year. It’s like every candy maker got together in an effort to conspire against Brach’s and take Easter for themselves. Have I thought too much into this? Yes. Yes I have. That’s why I am writing about jelly beans in the first place.
So let’s not dilly-dally because I have about twenty bags to tryout and test in my own specific way. Will it make a difference or have anything to do with a proper review of jelly beans? Doubtful. Will I spend $30 and feel silly about it? Absolutely.
Kicking this off we will start with the company that brought us the Jelly Beans we have all grown up with, Brach’s. Back in the day, Brach’s was the universal supplier of the jelly Easter treats and came in a limited variety of colors/flavors which were green, red, yellow, white, orange and the dreaded black. For the life of me, I can’t remember exactly what the color-to-flavor match was but I am certain black was Jagermeister.
This year, Brach’s gives us a couple more options with Speckled Bird Eggs and Sour Jelly beans. You will see by scrolling down that they have a lot of competition to deal with so what better way to combat that than to assimilate with the masses. These are a bit forgettable in both taste and looks but they are bigger in size so they have that going for them. But will they pass the hammer test?
Barely!
Hershey’s Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans have been around for a while and I believe they were the ones who first entered the Easter candy ring using the flavors of their tooth cracking hard candies in soft bean form. Personally I love them but keep in mind I have no sweet tooth. So I shouldn’t have an opinion about these, write this post or even say the word jelly bean. But that’s okay, I have lots of opinions on topics I have no business with.
Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans have their own Facebook fan page! That’s how I know they are good. It clearly states “they are so good!!!!!!”. This is all fine and good but will it pass the cat test?
Nope.
Leave it to Wonka Candy to cram a brick of taffy into a tiny bean. These actually taste exactly the original and that’s not a good thing. As a kid I used to love Laffy Taffy but only for the first few seconds. The ongoing chewing really brings out the plastic taste. Here, the beans jump right to that inedible aftertaste and of course, there are far more bananas than any other flavor by a ratio of 2,300:1.
You know, Laffy Taffy wouldn’t be “laffy” without some jokes. Even as an eight year old I knew these jokes were the worst but I never knew they were submitted by kids. Had I known that we would have been chewing green apple plastic to dead baby jokes.
Jef Z submitted this gem: “Why does the chicken cross the road? To get some EGGER SIZE!!!”
Hmm…but does it pass the Grig test?
Surprisingly yes.
Lifesavers are back this year with their jelly beans but this time around they offer lovely shades of pastel. Not only are they creamy in color, they have some interesting flavor combinations like Strawberry Kiwi and Mango Melody. I won’t go as far as to say they are my favorite of the group but I will say they are less forgettable. I really like it when blueberry and banana share the same bag.
There’s no need for the random test on these. I trust my own instinct. I’ll put them in the oven.
Lemonhead & Friends! It seems a bit odd that these are jelly beans because they are not too far off from their original form. Splitting hairs I may be but given a few years under a fridge, not a person could tell the difference.
They add an extra bonus of a “Special Springtime Image” on each bean. These images aren’t that special unless tulips and rabbits blow your skirt up. If that’s the case, well, magic beans they are. Other than the art, the flavors are the exactly what you would expect; grapehead, cherryhead, orangehead, and lemonhead. Kind of blasé to me but that might be because I have only eaten them on the couch. Perhaps I am just not in the right spot?
Nah. They are blasé no matter where they are eaten.
We have come to the end of part one in this two-part series. I can’t believe I had so many jelly beans in such a short amount of time. So, before I collapse into a diabetic comma I had better hang it up for tonight. Be sure to check out my second part coming tomorrow. I promise it will be just as stupid.
(Special thanks to my buddy who agreed to shoot the shower scene. Trust me. It wasn’t easy asking)
It’s the Frog brothers from the movie Lost boys! Actually it is Jamie Newlander and Corey Feldman. We all know how Corey is doing so we can skip that half-stack and move on to Jamie; the real lost boy. It’s funny to watch this movie and see those two act as “tough vampire killers” brandishing stakes and talking in ridiculously low voices.
TWWWOOO WEEEEEKKKSSS! Man, did this part of Total Recall blow my mind. And to be honest, really disturbed me. Priscilla Allen, (seen above) hit a home run in her freak out role as the malfunctioning costume that went haywire on Arnold. I suppose it’s just my weird thing with seizures.
This sucks. Priscilla left us back last year after a long fight with cancer. I hate learning this while writing these but I guess that’s how we find out. As a native Sad Diego gal she really spent most of her life there as a drama student turned teacher. She had a few roles including Total Recall, The Naked Truth, Let Others Suffer and above all else a couple episodes of “Happy Days”. She mainly taught and did live performances. I am sorry that we lost you Priscilla. I am also sorry you were cast as the “fat lady” in Total Recall. But I will never think of a fortnight the same.
“Here’s a quarter. Go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face. Good day, Madam.”
Man, Suzanna Shepherd has made a great career at being the grumpy grandma. I think her role in Good Fellas stuck with me and maybe it’s just that she reminded me so much of my own Grandmother on my Mom’s side. You know the type…(love you Grandma!) Anywho, she has been around town and has done amazing work. She is not the most obscure actress on the “where did you go” thing I have been doing but I just haven’t seen her around. Actually, I kind of thought she was chilling with Priscilla.
Enter Taran Noah Smith: the youngest of the Taylor family in the hit 90’s comedy, Home Improvement. Back in the day, Taran, who played the character Mark Taylor, was the cute little brother that fell pray to his mischievous older brothers. He was kind of the naive child that lived under the protection of Jill and try as he may, Tim couldn’t make him tough. But as the years progressed, Mark morphed from an innocent cute kid to a gangly goth goof. And really, in real life Taran did the same thing. My how life can imitate art.
Well, Taran’s career after Home Improvent never really florished. He married a woman 16 years his senior, sued his parents for his trust fund and started his own Vegan/Organic restruant called Playfood in California. Sadly he divorced and his home has been foreclosed and I believe Playfood went tits up. Oh yeah, I read he returned home to his parents house. Ouch. Good luck, Taran!
I think Rob Zombie said it best when he commented on the actors in the 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre. “Are these actors or did Tobe Hooper hire crazy people for this film? Man, these crazy people sure can act.”
Edwin has had a pretty long career after TCM. He did JFK with Oliver Stone and My Boyfriend’s Back. Most of his success as of late has come from his voiceovers to foriegn animation films and even Japanese pheonomenon action shows like the Power Rangers. Who knew, you know?
That’s Xur. He escaped in the movie The Last Starfighter. He set up a sequal and they never came through. Fuck that and fuck Xur. I am so bitter about that let down I could care less who the guy played Xur is. So that’s that. Stay tuned for part 11. I’ll get to it.
Casserole of Disaster 