Limited Time Only Pop-Tarts and Fiber Fruit Snacks?

Oh heck, why not? Time for another Limited Time Only edition where I tell you to run out and buy something before it becomes product history. Are you ready? If not, I can wait. I’ll be over here watching Maximum Overdrive for the thirtieth time this week. “You got that, Fuck-Face?” I was referring to the movie, not to you.

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Holy Jesus’s ghost, Pop-Tarts turned 50?!?! And they brought back an extinct flavor to boot? Oh it truly is an amazing time we live in. Yes sir, the fine people at Kellogg are celebrating 50 years making these flat, fruit-filled pastries that turn to napalm when toasted. While there are hundreds of flavors, Pop-Tarts do a great job of introducing limited time additions to the collection much like the one above. But “Flavor Flashback” does lead me to believe this was once a constant.

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These….are not good for you. Even as a little kid, I knew Pop-Tarts were less breakfast and more a Friday night kid-coke binge treat.  You still have to love them for what they are and that is America. Where else can you get an anthropomorphic toaster named “Milton” to push unnaturally preserved sugar squares with goo in the middle for breakfast? And was a success?

I got the birthday cake edition and while they are no S’mores Pop-Tarts, they aren’t too bad. I think having a birthday cake flavor Pop-Tart is very appropriate for the milestone of 50 years. Just think, a half century of pumping pure sugar through the veins of kids making life a living hell for thousands of bus drivers, parents and teachers. I also think they went to space and if I am not mistaken, we dropped around a million over Afghanistan in 2001. Take that you goddamn Taliban!

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For good measure, I tried one so you know I come from an honest place. It’s like someone put cake frosting between two, three year old graham crackers. And the graham crackers were stored in a very damp lake cabin. It’s the most accurate way I can describe them.  Now I will take them to my office and feed them to our AP lady’s kid who she has to bring with her to work after 3:00. That kid hasn’t sold me out yet.

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In other news, the people at Fiber One took my long love of Fun Fruits and turned them into something that improves colon health. Jebus Hebus, age happens to us all. But hopefully having to be health conscious that doesn’t mean everything has to taste like dog balls. No, Fiber One does great things in the department of tricking you into eating fiber without crappy mixing powders or Grape Nuts. By the way, what’s up with Grape Nuts? No grapes-no nuts?

Be sure to tip your waitress, ladies and gentlemen.

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It’s kind of funny that they make little fruit shapes to trick us into tasting the intended flavors. Even as a guy in his thirties, I do like eating orange flavored fruit snacks in the shapes of orange slices. It would really mess me up if they were in the shapes of trees. I do, however, really prefer Spooky Fruits.

At three grams of fiber per pack, that is equivalent of a really big piece of broccoli, a small apple or a normal banana. I need an average of around thirty-eight grams to keep me going a day and that means I need to eat 12.666666666666667 packs a day. That means a box is 1.8999999 short of a my daily fiber needs. I think that’s doable.

These kind of taste like they are intended to be good for you so we know what that means. Yup, they are average when it comes to taste and texture. Sure, if I had to pick between these and dried peas, I would definitely choose the poop inducing fruit snack but alone, I am afraid these just don’t make the cut for $3.99.

Thanks friends and I hope you are relaxing tonight.

 

 

 

I Love The Smell Of Fall In The Morning

It’s a tough time of the season when you want all of the Halloween stuff out right now but most retailers (looking at you Target) are more concerned with backpacks and *enter boy band here* covered Trapperkeepers. It’s a tease. We are at the 10:20am mark before the menu switches and everyone is fully committed, so you have to kinda take what you get until then. That’s why this morning I am writing about smells of the demonic. Or maybe just Fall.

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Searching Target in vain for anything spooky I settled on their mild nod to the season in the Fall scent aisle. They have a few purely Fall titled sprays between Glade and good ol’ Febreze. If you are not into spays because you think the Ozone still has a sunroof, don’t worry your hippy hair, they make them all in both candles and plug-ins. I picked up the sprays because I need a limited example of each. I can’t smell up each room in my house for this review.

Actually, that would have been pretty cool. Double Shits!

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First on the list we have “Salted Caramel” from Glade, an SC Johnson product. At first glance I thought this to be both amazing and totally Halloween. At first smell, however, I thought this was more “Midnight Cowboy” from CVS. It’s a heavy scent that really doesn’t leave one area. By that I mean there is no permeation but a solid mass that waits for unsuspecting people to walk through it, sticking to their face like a spider web or swarm of mosquitos. You won’t get it out of the back of your throat no matter how many pumpkin beers you gargle with.

The description states it has a “…pop of salty and sweet caramel fragrance.” which is odd. I have smelled sweet things but I can’t recall an account of smelling salty things. Maybe the ocean. I don’t know. C-.

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Switching from candy to leaves, Febrese Air Effects has a their “Falling Leaves” limited edition spray. I was immediately attracted to this for some reason. I think it is just specific memories of cool mornings walking home from a Friday night bash, smelling the wet leaves and cursing the 6am Saturday runners. It’s a distant memory but still an effective one.

But this can does not capture that olfactory sense at all. I think they captured Great Aunt Ann rather than anything Fall. You know the smell; make-up and sixty year old perfume? Yeah, you do. This is another air spray that is better suited to kill any offensive oder by masking it with a different but equally offensive oder. It smells and hangs heavy in the air like an invisible bag of piss, waiting for an unsuspecting passer-by who will most likely have their mouth open. D.

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Here is another SC Johnson product from Glade and this is interesting. “Hayride”? I never knew a Hayride was an attractive smell. If memory serves me right it’s a mix of allergic attack and either horse poop or tractor exhaust depending on which mode of pull the farm chooses. It’s like their “Salted Caramel” idea, I just hope it’s not executed the same.

I like it! It’s really interesting and it does remind me of a Fall scene. It’s not quiet Hayride but it smells a lot like the first day of school. I can’t explain it but taking a huff off this can I am walking into Mt. Bethel Elementary with a backpack larger than my torso and velcro shoes. It’s really incredible! I love it and this is going in the den rather than the last two who are banished to the bathrooms. A-. (The minus is only because it’s not Hayride. That might be a good thing.)

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Finally we come to another Glade spray and while this one isn’t original what so ever, I do believe my saturated nose will enjoy this. “Orchard Apple Cinnamon” can not not smell amazing. It just can’t!

Oh wow. Wow that smells a lot like one of those 365 days a year Christmas shops. When I take a whiff from this I am surrounded by thirty fake and tacky Christmas trees with tacky decor while fat tourists wearing fanny packs slowly meander through the narrow aisles eating soft serve out of a cup. THIS IS NOT HALLOWEEN! WAIT YOUR TURN SPRAY! C. (Will be an A when November first arrives.)

So there you have it. None of these scream Halloween and only one really has something to be proud of. Go to Target and spray these around to see..er…smell for yourself. I am fairly certain “Hayride” will be in your cart. The other three can be used to kill spiders.

Sorry the countdown hasn’t been totally wheels up since my job is not sympathetic to my demon worshiping self but hang on, shit’s about to get real.

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OH! And guess who started their Halloween Countdown? Matt from Dinosaur Dracula started his chainsaw and it’s amazing. Please go there now. NOW! (Click the header)

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