Starburst Halloween Mix! And Maybe More.

Screen Shot 2015-09-03 at 9.12.28 AM

Part of the fun this time of the year is the hunt. As rumors of what the 2015 Halloween products are become reality, its then a race against time to find them and write four hundred words in a hopefully grammatical correct fashion so we can say, “Hey internet! Look at this!”. I’m not being cynical, it’s actually a pretty fun hobby albeit a bit of a drain on the wallet. If it wasn’t for said hobby, I am sure this 37-year-old would not be the proud owner of eleven six-foot skeletons.

The hunt this early in the game was for the semi-elusive Starburst Halloween Mix. I first learned about these via Twitter and since that very second I have been scouring every grocery, drug and dollar store because when you take one of my favorite candies and make a Halloween Mix out of them, I am pretty sure I would travel to another time zone to obtain them.

Screen Shot 2015-09-03 at 9.07.07 AM

Boy, if this is any indication of what we can expect from the 2015 Halloween season, a meteor is welcome to smash the planet to Gorin dust after November first because I don’t think it will get much better. Frankenstein’s Monster graces the package in such a pleasing way he almost says, “Will, this was made especially for you since the stock price of Starburst is trading at an all time high thanks to your continuing loyalty and recommendation we melt all the yellows down and use them for eco-friendly fossil fuels.” Frank also appears to have lost the “Halloween Mix” sign in the dumpster and unfortunately came up with a possible  Kotex on his head. That sucks, Frank.

Screen Shot 2015-09-03 at 9.07.21 AM

Honestly, there has never been a better mascot/spokes-monster than Universal’s Frankenstein’s Monster. If you need more proof just ask Matt and Jay or listen to the first episode of the famous podcast, The Purple Stuff.

Screen Shot 2015-09-03 at 9.07.44 AM

The Halloween Mix is a combination of four different and spooky flavors, each with a pretty dang sweet character. We have “bewitched blueberry” with a cat, “batty blackberry” with an evil bird, “chilling cherry kiwi” with the fleshless head of Abe Vigota, and finally “mysterious mango” with a cute version of Captain Howdy. I must say, the careful consideration to not only come up with individual flavors and names but mascots too has me spinning in my chair and I am at the dinning room table! This is surely the work of the Devil and that’s alright by me.

Screen Shot 2015-09-03 at 9.07.56 AM

Peaking inside the individual wrapped Starburst we see the quite the pleasant hue but it takes away a little of the spooky magic. I think this time of the year it’s okay to just “Cinnaburst” these and eat them in the wrapper. (don’t do that)

There are so many variations of Starburst out now, I think a taste review would not make much of a difference because no matter what I say, they will be pretty fucking great. The root canal that comes later however, will not be but trust me, one Starburst flavor is as good as another. Unless you are King Cherry. Nothing beats King Cherry.

ALL HAIL STARBURST HALLOWEEN MIX! You did not disappoint and in fact, I will buy ten full packs and pass them out to the first ten trick-r-treaters this Halloween and let the rumors spread until I have hundreds throwing eggs at my house in disappointment. Kinda like giving a seagull your last hotdog bite at the beach and then getting swarmed. Kids are annoying birds.

In other news, we have another eye catcher! While I was doing the “Shimmy Slide” down the aisle of CVS, I saw a bag so Halloweenie, I could not just leave them. Oh no, with an orange and black bag full of ghouls, I had to have it, even if it was just fodder for another tattoo idea.

Screen Shot 2015-09-03 at 9.08.09 AM

Here we have Halloween Lifesaver Gummies “Spooky Shapes” with three really pissed off looking characters on the front. Honestly, these aren’t the cute and friendly characters this nanny state is used to. Oh no, these things look like they will chomp your bottom. Especially the cat. I have two and yes, they will chomp bottoms.

Screen Shot 2015-09-03 at 9.08.21 AM

The bag does have a lighter side to it because checkout this Lifesaver spider! HA!! Whoever thought of this should have a company day dedicated to them over at Lifesavers. Like Clive Barker said in reference to Jaws, “…some ideas are right there in front of your face the entire time.”

But as cool as the evil characters are on the main bag and the hilarious Lifesaver spider, all the great things come in small packages.

Screen Shot 2015-09-03 at 9.08.34 AM

Look at that! Have you ever seen so much Halloween put on one small bag of gummy goodness??? It reminds me of late September in elementary school when the teachers would start decorating the classroom with the classical Halloween decorations we grew up loving. You cannot help but get nudged just a little bit into the season by looking at this orange and black bag. I love it. I LOVE IT!!!!

Looking closer, however, those are the exact same ghosts, cats and bats from the Starburst wrappers. Oh well, it doesn’t diminish my love for the bags, wrappers, clip art or orange #5. If you need me I’ll be working off this sugar hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

Jelly Beans and What You Have to Know: Part 1

Hey! Remember those nonsensical reviews I have been doing with candy canes and old Christmas candy? Yeah, so I have expanded that to Easter candy. Specifically Jelly Beans. This isn’t really something that I wanted to do but rather something that I felt I had to do because when shopping for Easter candy, what you don’t know may destroy your family.

The bunny only comes when you sleep.

Jumpin’ Jesus there are a lot of Jelly Beans this year. It’s like every candy maker got together in an effort to conspire against Brach’s and take Easter for themselves. Have I thought too much into this? Yes. Yes I have. That’s why I am writing about jelly beans in the first place.

So let’s not dilly-dally because I have about twenty bags to tryout and test in my own specific way. Will it make a difference or have anything to do with a proper review of jelly beans? Doubtful. Will I spend $30 and feel silly about it? Absolutely.

IMG_0011

Kicking this off we will start with the company that brought us the Jelly Beans we have all grown up with, Brach’s. Back in the day, Brach’s was the universal supplier of the jelly Easter treats and came in a limited variety of colors/flavors which were green, red, yellow, white, orange and the dreaded black. For the life of me, I can’t remember exactly what the color-to-flavor match was but I am certain black was Jagermeister.

This year, Brach’s gives us a couple more options with Speckled Bird Eggs and Sour Jelly beans. You will see by scrolling down that they have a lot of competition to deal with so what better way to combat that than to assimilate with the masses. These are a bit forgettable in both taste and looks but they are bigger in size so they have that going for them. But will they pass the hammer test?

Barely! 

IMG_0012

Hershey’s Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans have been around for a while and I believe they were the ones who first entered the Easter candy ring using the flavors of their tooth cracking hard candies in soft bean form. Personally I love them but keep in mind I have no sweet tooth. So I shouldn’t have an opinion about these, write this post or even say the word jelly bean. But that’s okay, I have lots of opinions on topics I have no business with.

Screen Shot 2013-03-09 at 6.46.18 PM

Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans have their own Facebook fan page! That’s how I know they are good. It clearly states “they are so good!!!!!!”. This is all fine and good but will it pass the cat test?

Nope. 

IMG_0027

Leave it to Wonka Candy to cram a brick of taffy into a tiny bean. These actually taste exactly the original and that’s not a good thing. As a kid I used to love Laffy Taffy but only for the first few seconds. The ongoing chewing really brings out the plastic taste. Here, the beans jump right to that inedible aftertaste and of course, there are far more bananas than any other flavor by a ratio of 2,300:1.

IMG_0028

You know, Laffy Taffy wouldn’t be “laffy” without some jokes. Even as an eight year old I knew these jokes were the worst but I never knew they were submitted by kids. Had I known that we would have been chewing green apple plastic to dead baby jokes.

Jef Z submitted this gem: “Why does the chicken cross the road? To get some EGGER SIZE!!!”

Hmm…but does it pass the Grig test?

Surprisingly yes.

IMG_0030

Lifesavers are back this year with their jelly beans but this time around they offer lovely shades of pastel. Not only are they creamy in color, they have some interesting flavor combinations like Strawberry Kiwi and Mango Melody. I won’t go as far as to say they are my favorite of the group but I will say they are less forgettable. I really like it when blueberry and banana share the same bag.

There’s no need for the random test on these. I trust my own instinct. I’ll put them in the oven.

IMG_0036

Lemonhead & Friends! It seems a bit odd that these are jelly beans because they are not too far off from their original form. Splitting hairs I may be but given a few years under a fridge, not a person could tell the difference.

They add an extra bonus of a “Special Springtime Image” on each bean. These images aren’t that special unless tulips and rabbits blow your skirt up. If that’s the case, well, magic beans they are.  Other than the art, the flavors are the exactly what you would expect; grapehead, cherryhead, orangehead, and lemonhead. Kind of blasé to me but that might be because I have only eaten them on the couch. Perhaps I am just not in the right spot?

Nah. They are blasé no matter where they are eaten.

We have come to the end of part one in this two-part series. I can’t believe I had so many jelly beans in such a short amount of time. So, before I collapse into a diabetic comma I had better hang it up for tonight. Be sure to check out my second part coming tomorrow. I promise it will be just as stupid.

(Special thanks to my buddy who agreed to shoot the shower scene. Trust me. It wasn’t easy asking)

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: