13 Days Of Christmas

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It’s 13 days till Christmas! It’s practically here!

That’s right, you freaks, we are creeping our way down to the day of Christmas when we get loaded on eggnog, open gifts and watch The Christmas Story 12 times in a row and smash the hand of anyone who dares change the channel. (Sorry about last year, Grandma) With the busy life and time of your’s truly and the crash landing of the Halloween Hell Show, I figured committing 13 days is way more doable than an entire month. But don’t fret, we have lots in store and 13 videos too! I can say that with certainty since most are already shot.

OH! I am also doing a few horror gift giveaways to brighten your Christmas season. Each will be different and announced on Twitter so if you don’t follow me, you might want to. Details will follow on the first prize announced tomorrow.

So, get ready for the unholy number of days as we countdown to Christmas day and have the time of our life doing it. Bring it in. I have hugs for you.

Until the official start (late tonight) spread your love of the holiday and checkout Matt’s annual holiday fantasmo over at DinosaurDracula. It’s tradition, mang.

 

 

The Amityville Horror Gingerbread House

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Hello all and welcome to another long-awaited entry to the Holiday Hell Show. This weekend I decided to step outside of both my comfort zone and my man card zone to construct a gingerbread house. I am not very crafty but when inspiration strikes I try not to ignore it because who knows when or if it will strike again. On Saturday, I listened. Here’s what happened.

For the longest time I have been a huge fan of Ray Keim and the website, Haunted Dimensions. All you need is thick weight paper, a color printer, some glue and scissors and with a little kindergarten recollection, you will have a 3-D model of your favorite horror setting. It’s the nerd in me that makes me want to stand on street corners and shout the website url over and over until the government wraps me in blankets and leads me into a padded van.

So, on Friday I was in my office struggling for something different to cover for the website because, that is what I should be doing at work, right?! Then it hit me. Kinda like this. Why don’t I use Haunted Dimensions as the model for a gingerbread house? It had to work. It just had to! And what better design than the famous 1975 horror classic, The Amityville Horror. It was a movie that terrified me as a child and fascinated me as an adult.

HOOOOKAY! Now, I have never successfully constructed a gingerbread house. The last time I attempted was in Tiger Scouts back when Ronald Reagan was in his first term so it has been awhile. I still remember it today. We had to cover an orange juice container with icing and stick gram crackers to the sides to make it look like a house. I can’t remember the details but I do remember having to be hosed off in the driveway of the scout parking lot. So, this project manager doesn’t have a very good legacy of success.

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Here’s the plan. I have the layout of the Amityville House and in my mind, all I had to do was cut out the pieces, build the model, find gingerbread flat sheets, paste them on top and decorate as I desire. Seems easy, right? Yeah, no way. First problem was the fact that no one sells flat sheets of gingerbread. I don’t know if I made this up in my mind but I could have sworn that’s a thing. It is not.

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So, I had to bake the sheets from mother furkin’ scratch. I’m not lying, I had the iPad on the counter with YouTube guiding me through the basics of gingerbread making. There were eggs and warm butter and flour. It was Hell.

WHEN YOU SAY BAKING I SAY FUCK!

BAKING!

FUCK!

BAKING!

FUCK!

But, I made it and it actually came out okay. The size was right and using the model for shapes worked out surprisingly well. I only burned myself four times which is as rare as getting hit by a meteorite especially when pans are involved.

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So, while waiting for the building materials to cool I set out to construct the model. I figured it would be easy to just glue the gingerbread pieces to the model rather than thinking silly thoughts like making this 100% edible. I was going for looks here. Plus, if people knew what went into my baking procedures, they wouldn’t dream of eating this.

The model is very easy to build but unfortunately, I fail at scissor. I always have because it is half patience and it is half skill, both of which I neither have nor desire. So, not all pieces fit perfectly. There were some jamming and cursing that went into the skeleton but eventually it did come together. After all, it would be covered by gingerbread, frosting and Satanism.

Funny story, while I was finishing the model I heard a ruckus right outside the house. Immediately I went in search of my cat because she isn’t fixed and has been desperately trying to escape to find a male suitor. Well, somehow she succeeded. I don’t know how she did it but she did and was having loud cat sex in the driveway. Let me lend you advice, my friends. Never break up cat sex. There will be blood. And there was.

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A bit later after bandaging both hands and placing my cat in solitary confinement, I was back to proceed with construction. I figured the best way to glue the walls of the house was to keep constant pressure and no better way to do so than place four brake rotors around the structure because they can at least do something until I put them on my car. That’s another project.

It worked so freaking well I can’t even say more. Things like this never work well for me. Usually I get this far only to place kick the project in the backyard and go back to the couch to sulk in the warm glow of cable cooking shows. Maybe my crafty ways are coming back. I mean, my Christmas Sweater article from 2008 still gets like 600 hits a day thanks to Pintrest.

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Oh the roof was the part I was having the most anxiety about. It’s an odd New England style home and that type of roof doesn’t translate in Candy Land. I baked four gingerbread strips and glued them to the model roof. Thank God I didn’t already add the model roof because there was no way for the strips to stick at that angle. So I placed them on the roof model and pressed them for an hour. This project came together like lamb and tuna fish. I don’t get it. This never happens.

Now that the glue was dry and the structure sound, it was fun time. The decorating. I’ll be honest with you, after the long process I had just building this, I gave decorating a half-hearted effort. I used Twizzlers for the roof, vanilla icing for sticky spackle, pretzels for storm gutters, caramel squares to build the chimney, Tootsie Rolls for the logs to keep George warm and cut marshmallows in half to give a snowy appearance. All-in-all, kinda shitty. Completely forgot the bleeding walls that Edie suggested. That would have been awesome.

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So here you are. The house George Lutz claimed to be haunted by the same demonic forces which drove Ronny DeFeo to murder his family. Not exactly the Christmas spirit but I am not sure anyone has attempted to turn this iconic house into a jolly gingerbread house. But I have!

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Oh yeah, and cat? Eat ass.

And thanks to Dinosaur Dracula who does this stuff one million times better and funnier. This was inspired by my long love of that site and X-E. Thanks for reminding us it is okay to be a kid and enjoy the little things. Cheers!

OCTOBER IS NOW! Watch Horror Shorts!

Hey, remember that “October Sunday” thing I did a while back? Now it is totally okay to do that on a Thursday because it’s October everyday! I swear, folks, these are the days we need to roll around in like a dog on a dead squirrel. I know that if you have been a fan of this site you are aware that I have been baby stepping to this day since June so now that it is here, LET’S PARTY DOWN!

I love, lurve, loooove YouTube horror shorts. They are some of the most brilliant and thought-provoking in cinema entertainment. Sometimes I spend an entire night cruising YouTube on the TV for these little ten to fifteen minutes of terror. Everyone has a potential for being as disturbing as the sloth scene in the movie Seven.

“Don’t Move”

Let’s start with the first one from the UK production team, Bloody Shorts. These should get Emmys. “Don’t Move” is the latest and is a great lesson on why to not play with a Ouija board. The friends unintentionally invite a demon who plays a deadly game of “Redlight Greenlight”. The person who moves first dies and only one can be left alive. What a game! The ending, though, is worth the wait. Enjoy!

“Tea Time”

What the what? We all go a little mad sometimes but this old lady takes her madness to another level. This was shot in such an amazing way I can’t even describe it but it feels like an old BBC advertisement for dementia. The piano score is also very fitting. Poor cat.

“Upstairs”

Okay, this is one that is pretty realistic to me. What a “fuck that I’m out” performance! This one is about a realtor who knows what lurks in the house he is selling.

“Lights Out”

I know lots of you have seen this one especially if you are fans of The Strange Kids Club but if you have not, turn off the lights, and crank the sound. This one will get you spooked. It does a great hub with shadows and sounds to the point you need to look over your shoulder a few times after watching this. This poor lady had a terrible night.

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Well folks, I think I’ll save my favorite for last. This one gave me chills and in such a great way. I love these shorts for this very reason. There is no sense or long story, just pure horror. This one did it right and the strobe lighting of the TV with quick ghost images made me bite my finger with anxiety. I loved this. My fingers do not.

So, you can spend a little under an hour getting completely creeped out! It’s such worth your time and try it tonight with the sound high and the lights low. Sleep tight!

 

Chester’s Collectibles

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Oh lawdy lawd, you guys, I have recently found a gem. A diamond in the rough. A gold nugget in the land of pyrite. Some rock that is deemed more valuable than all the other rocks. I have found Chester’s Collectables and this is a huge win for VeggieMacabre for so many reasons.

A few weeks ago I was driving back from a meeting at Wake Forest University and spotted a little shop in a dying strip mall. It wasn’t the flashing open sign that caught my attention or even the word “collectables” out front but it was a mask from one of the most iconic horror characters of all time; Pinhead. No shit, Pinhead’s mask was in the storefront window and right then I knew magic happened. It happened all over the place.

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You see, I live in an area of the country that makes life for a nostalgic weirdo, like myself, very difficult. If it wasn’t for eBay, I would probably be a spending money on responsible things and no one wants that. I mean, even Target drags its ass when putting out it’s annual Halloween loot around here. I swear by the God of Thundar, if I see backpacks the last week of September I will cut someone. So, having a collectible shop like this is a real treat.

Another bonus is the owner, Chester, who is a real standup fellow. Maybe it is because he sees dollar signs when I pull up but I like to think he enjoys the conversation and our mutual love for old toys. Or maybe it’s because I’m a buyer and not a seller. Who  knows? But regardless, Chester does give me an all-access pass into the back room full of everything he hasn’t priced out yet or horror movie finds that could scare little kids who could potentially piss the floor. I don’t know Chester too well but I suspect he doesn’t like cleaning pee.

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Sometimes looking a gift horse in the mouth is a bad idea. Brian, from Review the World, had a great idea of starting another segment for this wacky site called, “Chester’s Finds”. Okay, I am still working on the title but essentially its random stuff that I buy to feed random posts and then put together “give away” packs to lucky winners via Twitter every month. I think this might be a fun little way to involve the reader. Also, there’s no way I have room for the random stuff I am about to acquire.

So, a little later on the first post will be popping up and I am excited to show you my haul from this month.

 

Beers With Movie Sauce: Halloween II (the good one)

Here we are again, drinking beer and hot sauce while yapping about a film that has been out long enough to witness thirty different fashion trends. Tonight we tip back a beer from the Band of Brewers in the great state of Colorado. This Coors product is Third Shift Ale and it kinda sucks. I don’t feel the need to sugar coat the truth so I will just lay it out there.

The hot sauce, however, is one of my favorites not only because it comes from the home of one of the greatest breweries, Arrogant Bastard, but because it tastes amazing. The Double Burn Habanero Bastard will light your face while leaving a pleasant throat tingling feeling. I think there is some sort of illegal agent in the mix.

Okay, tonight I am sharing my love for the sequel to John Carpenter’s classic, Halloween II. I loved this film for a number of reasons but most notably I loved this film because when I saw it, I fell in love with the genre. It was one of the first “slasher” films I was exposed to through the safety of channel 46’s FCC guidelines. But that didn’t stop me from searching out rentals in later years to fill the need for Autumn creepy goodness.

So go to the fridge and grab a beer, turn down the lights and also the brain. It’s time for another episode of Beers with Movie sauce.

6, 6, 6 Scary Scenes Mwaa Haa Haa

For years horror movies have always been the preferred choice in my household. I can’t tell you why, but also I can’t tell you why insane hot sauce is my condiment for everything. I guess it is that “in the moment” discomfort I crave. Sadistic or masochistic, you say? Maybe. All I know is that on a rainy and cold night, you will find me on a couch, eating pizza sprinkled with Dave’s Insanity sauce watching The Exorcist 666 times because it keeps getting funnier every time I see it.

Another reason I watch horror movies over, let’s say, comedies or dramas is because they stick with you. Especially certain scenes. You never come home at night from watching Die Hard 5 in theatre and race to turn on the lights because you are worried Bruce Willis is behind the couch, do you? No, you don’t! I want to feel that twinge of fear, that moment when you have to squint your eyes because if you only see 30% of a scene it might not be as scary, that feeling of waking up at 3:33am and wanting to pee but there is no way you’re putting your feet on the floor. I love it all and spending $15 at the theatre should involve a bit of residual entertainment.

Today, I want to share six scenes from amazing films that have and always will stick with me. To some, they may not be scary at all but for some reason they give me the chills. I can’t tell you if I over analyze or I really am just a wuss, but take a gander and see if you share my moments in cinema scares.

The Haunting 1963

Oh boy this one got me. I remember back in 2006 I was sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels when I stumbled across the opening title of The Haunting. Intrigued by the title, I stayed to give it a shot even though it was a black and white movie and to a nitwit like I was, that almost certainly means “not scary”. Man oh man, I could not have been more wrong. The whole movie was a creep fest and when the girl I was dating at the time came through the front door, I almost jumped out of my skin.

This scene was by far one of the most creep-out parts even modern horror films of the day could not hold a candle to. From the giggling to the inaudible chattering behind the door, it still makes my hairs stand on end. Watch and see!

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Of course if you are a fan of the horror genre you have most likely seen the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If you have not, go back to your Sandra Bullock movies. (I kid) This film has plenty of disturbing and creepy images but the very beginning always made this one, the film that separates itself from the pack. Corpses posed on a tombstone with a radio news bulletin in the background paints a macabre scene and swearing off ever going to rural Texas.

The Blair Witch Project

Why did this film get such a bad rap? For the life of me I cannot understand why? The actors were amazing, there was a constant sense of hopeless dread and above all, the disorienting sounds in the woods insuring that going camping will never be the same again. A particular scare that has never left me was the sounds of dead children playing right outside the character’s tent. I actually felt their panic and when they bolted from the tent, it was hard to tell acting from true terror. Turn off the lights and turn up the speakers. Let your imagination do the rest.

The Amityville Horror

It’s said that this is a true story and to a kid that always amplifies the scare factor by ten but besides all the hype, the ghost/demon/rocking chair enthusiast, Jodi really was what kept the closet light on. This was my first real horror movie that didn’t rely on the Universal monster magic or special effects. A simple empty rocking chair moving on its own and glowing eyes  will paralyse me far easier than some a dude tearing his face off. Maybe I easily impressed?

This scene easily takes a top spot. Be quiet, I don’t wear a dress!

Ghost Story

I grew up without cable so I was always a little tardy to the party when it came to movies that were taboo to a young boy’s eyes. However, my grandparents did and a fateful day in 1984 I channel surfed right into this little ditty. For the first half of the movie, Ghost Story, you see a terrifying specter take revenge on old men in this type of “BOO!” fashion. It worked on me. I have a specific memory of actually running away from the TV.

The Brood

This was a movie that came later in my adolescence though I have always known about it. Although I didn’t find the movie to be all that scary, the scene in the kitchen was shot so perfectly, I think about it at least twenty times a day. Usually about wooden hammers. I can’t tell whether it’s the look on the children’s faces or the fact there isn’t a sound made before all Hell breaks loose.

Maybe it’s kids in snowsuits? I don’t know.

Well, there you have it! The six creepy scenes that I think about right when I begin to fall asleep.

What are yours? Do you have a movie that surprised you or took you off guard? Share them with me either here, Facebook or Twitter! 

Sleep tight.

Jekyll And Hyde

Last week I had to go up to New York City on a business trip. It’s part of the reason why I haven’t been so involved with the site for the Halloween countdown. Sometimes work just does that. But I did happen to pay a visit to a spot where Halloween rules the roost and it rescued me from having to pull an article from my fourth point of contact. (Airborne reference) This special place is a restaurant/bar near Greenwich Village called, Jekyll and Hyde and it is everything and more when it comes to a spooky good time. You’ll fall in love.

Call it fate, call it karma…I believe there was a reason I decided to walk to my client’s office instead of cabbing it. Had I taken a cab there is no way I would have walked past a street sign with the words “Spooky Hour” chalked on it. Or would I have seen the adorable ghosts and ghouls painted on the windows. It’s as if a higher power said, Will/Bill’s blog sucks and he needs a gift”. It was a gift and if you are in the area, this gift is also yours.

There are two Jekyll and Hydes in NYC; one in Greenwich Village and another in Times Square. This is not the one in Time Square though I am told that’s the better one. Sorry folks, I plumb ran out of time. I’m only reviewing this one and can not vouch for the other although the manager says it’s a lot more elaborate.

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I know this is a really dark photo but what you are looking at is a fully functional animatronics dining room. Every decoration has a little more to it that what you think. From a werewolf’s head on the wall to painting with eyes that follow you around the room. It’s creepy but in a really cute way. I like to compare it to a satanic Chuck E Cheese. The even have arcade games. Well, an arcade game.

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As you can see, I wasted no time making friends because I knew I would be here for a while so I may as well have the locals get used to me and my nagging nags. This is Anna, an awesome bartender, actress and all around cool person. We talked for hours and I learned more about the sketchy side of New York City than a dude from a little old town in North Carolina should. But I loved it.

She and the manager gave me the full tour of the place since I was the only person there for three hours so I have quite a bit to show you. I almost felt a little guilty about eating up their quiet time but I bought them lunch proving there is nothing that can’t be accomplished with the persuasion of tacos.

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In a break from conversation this dude popped out from behind the curtains and said something eloquent but it caught me so off guard, I nearly threw my beer at him. I wish I could remember what he said but at that time I looked like a stupid tourist, caught up in something that happens three hundred times in a week.

See? This is a place that has surprises around every corner and in this case, a coffin door behind a curtain with a sophisticated corpse. I love it.

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Like they say, you only rent the beers you drink and soon I was in search for a men’s room but that too was an adventure. At the far end of the dining room there is a long hallway lined with bookcases. I walked down to the end and back again, met with the staff who giggled at my obvious discomfort and total confusion. Anna said to try harder and read the clues like the sign at the end of the hall. Makes one wonder how much puke they clean up on a busy Saturday night from a drunk patron who had no time for clues or hidden doors.

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Okay, so it’s not the best clue. I had already done that maneuver on my own. It is kinda cute though, don’t you think? Where else can you solve a puzzle while having a pee-pants incident at age 35?

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Oh we have much success! I just prayed that I hadn’t found the woman’s restroom instead. I lead a life of 50/50’s and I am 100% wrong all he time. Lucky for me, this was a fluke.

After that little adventure, I wandered back to my bar stool, well aware of the eyes following me from painted pictures and eyeballed skeletons. When I passed the manager he asked if I wanted to see one of the animatronics shows while I was in the dining room. I said no. NO WAY I WOULD MISS IT!

I took this crappy video on my iPhone so you’ll have to bear with it. I never anticipated having enough time to get a real video on this trip.

Wow, that video is pretty terrible and super huge on this WordPress blog but you get the point. It’s a room of mechanical wonders and not too far off from the Rock-A-Fire Explosion.

I sat back down, completely satisfied with my experience so far only to find out they have an upstairs.

They have an upstairs? And it’s just like this only darker and more macabre? I don’t mean to sound easy to please but if you have singing skeletons, hot bartenders, beer and bathrooms behind bookshelves, I am yours. To add to that is like telling me I won a monkey who plays the ukulele and makes perfect lasagna. It’s beyond a bonus.

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There are two stairways to the second floor; one leads to Bwana Bob’s Safari Bar and the other to Laboratory Lounge. I had to rub my eyes because now we are talking about three distinctly different bars all strange and unusual, just like me. I can’t decide which is better so I will say their personalities crossed the finish line together.

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It’s a weird thing to be in an empty bar full of skeletons and angry tiki masks with the sun shining bright while monkey sounds and native chanting bellow from the speakers. It’s surreal  for a place that had been established in the early thirties, the creep factor was high. I absolutely can’t show you everything without turning this into more of a picture blog than it already is so I will share the ones I thought painted with the broadest brush.

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It was really cool of the manager to join me after I wandered around for thirty minutes. He said that this part of the restaurant isn’t open to the public but they are working to restart it. He went to the control room (which I have plenty of photos but don’t feel comfortable sharing) to start up the animatronics show. Before I knew it skulls appeared out of the walls, mouthing to the headhunter songs as the bridge rippled up and down. They really include the patron into the show and I find that so neat because getting drunk should always be an experience.

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If you are going to drink a mai tai, you should drink one sitting next to a skeleton in an aviator’s cap, pretending you are stranded on an island full of tribes who will shrink your head and probably eat you. Another positive note, no malaria carrying mosquitos!

After I took in all of Bwana Bob’s Safari Bar, I walked to the next room that was not nearly as fun but certainly as cool, the Laboratory Lounge. I couldn’t get over what a change in atmosphere it was because there was no separation between the two rooms!  Amazing what a skylight can do.

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It’s no secret that life-size monster statues are my thing. Especially the ones that have creepy signs with stories from horror literature. This is a two-headed abomination that a mad scientist created only to have it turn and kill him. Pretty dark but this is a place for it to hangout. Don’t try to buy it a drink because your bill will always be double. (I’ll be here all week folks!)

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Here’s another couple that let’s you know you’re not at a Chili’s. We see a patient and a doctor before what looks like an attempted surgery sans the drugs. It might be just me but that doctor looks like he got his MD online. And looking closer, it appears he’s being coached by his patient. That’s kind of high for a vasectomy. I’m sure they’ll get it right after a few attempts.

I would show more photos but the Lab was getting renovated to be open for the Halloween season so besides a few more skeletons and a bat..thing, there really isn’t much to show for now. I am sure it’s pretty insane since my visit.

I made my way back down the other stairway to grab another beer and gush over what I’ve seen. I must have sounded like a person from a country full of famine who discovered a Whole Foods. They had a good laugh at my “and then I saw…and after that…did you see…” type gibberish.

Pretty soon my mouth began to get dry. You know you’re pretty high when your mouth is dry. I had to say my long goodbyes and throw cash at Anna. Parting is always such sweet sorrow but I still had a meeting with a lady on a rooftop bar back at the hotel and slurring is not something I mask well when talking about financial and techno mumbo-jumbo. Plus, I heard a rumor that the people who own the Jekyll and Hyde’s also own this little hotspot around the corner:

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That’s for next time.

I also needed real pizza.

Thanks for reading and if you have the time, means and are close to New York City, pay them a visit. It’s a neat place to have a beer. Or ten.

Halloween Season In Session….Almost

Today is the day that I kick off the long and thrilling road to All Hallow’s Eve. This will be a journey that will go down in history for this six-year-old blog and hopefully be an ongoing thing until either I croak or discover something better. Highly doubtful there is something better though, considering this years lineup of activity. I don’t want to spoil the surprises so be sure to tune in every evening for posts, articles, reviews, videos, giveaways, and lots more.

So before we officially begin I made a short clip of what you can expect. There’s little horror, a touch of beer, a dash of a new series called “Spooky North Carolina”, just a pinch of buddies like Matt from Dinosaur Dracula and Brian and Tim from Review the World, and a jug of Kimmie who is amazing. That’s just 1/100th of the season.

Let the show begin!

Flea Market Madness and a Horror Bake Shop

It’s not everyday when you find a place that is made for your little tiny insignificant spot on the internet. For a long time, I didn’t think that place existed. Well, not in this state anyway. But that all changed on Saturday when I had enough of a break from the world of responsibilities to go on a little adventure. I would have no idea what an adventure it would turn out to be.

I took a chance and went to my first flea market and whoa-nelly, what an experience!

Right away I knew this was blog worthy. I wasn’t even past the front door yet and the camera on the phone was primed.

No guns? Okay, I agree with that. No smoking? Sure! NO SNAKES? What kind of place is this?

This place was massive. It was a covered bizarre full of hundreds of venders and millions of oddities. I love this stuff and it was well worth the risk of being beaten with a Vietnamese bamboo shaft for an unwelcome photo moment. I had to be sure the flash was off. This was no place for a mistake like that.

Before I get into the obvious weirdness of a flea market I need to tell you level of people watching was all the way to eleven. Like this guy, for an example. A tough biker dude with gloves and a Harley shirt but has a butt bigger than my Junior year’s English teacher. This guy is clearly living on the edge…by eating Big Macs while riding a motorcycle. That’s talent, my friends.

I’m going to stop being mean now.

So this place exists. Like chocolate and peanut butter, mustard and hotdogs, Jason Vorhees and campers, hiphop and Kung Fu just makes sense. It’s hard to believe that this guy took an idea like this and ran with it but he did and we are all better for it. I didn’t venture inside the cage because I couldn’t see myself actually buying anything and he seemed very intense on the phone. I opted for this photo and to me, that alone is a gift.

This sign speaks the truth! Behind it sits an angry, albeit much smaller, Chinese man who I did not want to cross. Even though his store is mainly old cellphones and video games, he also gives out mean glares. But it seems he does have a sense of humor. I tried to by an iPhone 5 charger and was met with some confusing questions like “You power on for car?” and “I give you two for three!”. At that point smiling, nodding and backing away was my only choice. Then running.

Oh the swords. There were so many swords. Any cutting and stabbing weapon you can imagine was there. The really funny thing was the vendors who sold them. It turns out grandmas know quite a bit about the ways of the samurai. If you ever wanted to be a ninja vigilante, this is your first stop. Talk to Bobby Sue. She’s the one with a cat tattoo on her huge left arm and wearing a number four Talladega race day shirt.

I am always a sucker for Garfield ripoffs, especially when he is trying to eat a jumbo sausage but not before taking a test lick. I appreciate that this wasn’t a total ripoff, though. The artist did leave off his stripes. If there is one thing cats love it’s spicy sausage. Owners do not share this love.

There were so many little spaces like this that had no real organization or way to keep account of what stuff they had. It’s a mystery to me how they sell anything at all. Is this where hoarders buy their junk? Because I can see how they would think their lifestyles are normal if they shop here all the time.

If most of this bizarre was set up this way I would have merely peeked around a bit and called it a day. I hate wasting a Saturday inhaling asbestos when I don’t have to. But lucky for me, around the next corner was a day maker.

What the shit? Is this real life? There is no way a Halloween bakery exists in June. It’s as if God Himself guided me to this place knowing full well I needed blog material and there I stood, looking at cupcakes and Freddy Krueger AT THE SAME TIME! If ever there was a place that embodies VeggieMacabre, this was it.

Everybody was at the party, too! Here we see Pinhead holding his “box of fun” and hinting that the orange limeade is really refreshing. You have to be careful when taking his advice, however. His version of a good limeade has fishhooks at the bottom.

The walls are covered in severed limbs and menacing tools along with occasional macabre news articles. I especially love the skull wreath. During the Halloween season you could actually keep it up through Christmas without the neighbors having a leg to stand on. It is a wreath!

We see here a most excellent Halloween mood table originally coined by Matt of Dinosaur Dracula. A Halloween Mood Table is a hodgepodge of anything that gets you in the Halloween mood. Here we see quite a bit of great stuff but looking closer I am kicking myself for not noticing the Wolfman teeth with a toothbrush conveniently next to it. I could be writing this article wearing Wolfman teeth had I paid closer attention.

As if this place could not be anymore charming, there was even daily horror trivia. AND GOOD TRIVIA TOO! What place can you honestly think of that has a daily question involving a Dario Argento movie? If you can, I will personally learn this dance and film it for a vlog.

So after gushing all over the poor girl who owns this little plot of awesomeness, I had to buy something. The cupcakes with little dinosaurs and aliens on top were cute but I didn’t have an appetite for sweets. It wasn’t the severed heads or dead vampire babies that killed it, I just don’t have much of a sweet tooth. So, I opted for the lemon orange limeade. Not too bad. It had a hint of orange, lemon and lime without fishhooks or ears! B minus.

I like to think that this Pooh receptical has a story to tell. I am most certain he does not belong on a normal trashcan but something to match his top. Perhaps he came from some amusement park years ago only to end up outside of a mexican frozen treat stand in a flea market. It’s kind of sad. I gave him my spooky limeade.

Oh man, it’s the “Make you’re own smell” guy! What a concept! The dude was a character too and no one was safe from harassment when passing by his cube. I don’t think I need to go into his poor choice of a business name because words like “scent” or “essence” didn’t rise to the top of his list.

I bet he is the type who insults people when he means to compliment them. You know, like saying “your face isn’t as fat as it used to be” or something like that. I don’t believe words are his strong point but hopefully making “smells” are.

Not all shops were so strange. This was a killer vintage toy store that was full of some of my favorite childhood memories. Since the show Toy Hunter has been my mandatory Wednesday night watch, I have been fascinated by how much these toys go for. And oddly curious to see how much money I could have made by simply taking care of my stuff. It’s a little sickening.

This place had a ton of stuff from Star Wars to GI Joe to Transformers. What caught my eye the most were the Masters of the Universe line and TMNTs. All of them were unboxed in a giant bin for $3 a piece and the old lady in a wheel chair was bargaining with me for the whole set. I just don’t know enough about toys to buy a huge box of a mishmash of characters. Plus her constant nagging over what I need was a little too reminiscent of this…

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I escaped with a future post worthy toy that I will write soon. I love it and soon you will too.

What I thought would be an hour trip turned into three and I still had a long list of real chores to do so I made my way to the exit feeling very fulfilled with my findings for that Saturday. But just before I was about to leave I spotted this..

Do you know what this is? It’s a fully automated embroidering machine. They just type in a word or phrase and the machine will stitch it on to most any article of clothing. And it costs next to nothing! You could write “ALLEN THICKE IS A DICK” on a piece of paper, slide it to the clerk and before you know it, you have a shirt advertising you disdain for the dad on Growing Pains. It’s not magic but it makes me feel magical.

You know I had to.

They forgot the dot.

Thanks for reading.

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