Ruprecht: The Christmas Reindouche

Meet Ruprecht

Ruprecht is a Reindeer that is sired from Samhain’s loins and born from ill-gotten stock. His means are of the ne’er-do-well purpose and will always plot your demise no matter how bad you want to scratch his cat-like chin. He is a demon who makes Pazuzu look like Odie. He hates you.

I am not sure what the reasoning is but Ruprecht has a special assignment with Veggiemacabre this Christmas and I am pretty sure it’s from a drunken Ouija board night when I asked for Powerball numbers. My lotto picks usually have three sixes in them. Too many Satanic movies have a money driven subplot for me to ignore.

*sigh* He’s a real dick, that Ruprecht, but we are stuck together through the holiday season and it’s our mission to write and make videos of everything Christmas. If I refuse, he just might kill me.

Seriously, did you ever see the movie Tales From the Darkside when the cat jumped down David Johansen’s throat? Yeah, that shit can happen if I look at him wrong. Also, if I forget to remove Mikes from his Mike and Ikes, change the channel in the middle of Judge Judy or fail to include Tyler Perry’s name before any of his movie titles.

So, long story short, Ruprecht and I will be guiding you through this crazy holiday and if your soul is in limbo, he just might collect it. But don’t be scared, I could probably talk you free from a hellish limo with a friendly wager of Go Fish. He sucks at 50/50 wagers.

Beware! You will be visited by a post at the stroke of something-sometime tomorrow. Keep your shit wired tight and remember, keep repeating, this is only a blog…this is only a blog…this is only a blog.

Tis the Season.

December 2, 2013 2

Rudolph Red-Nosed Gummies

It’s not often that I spend $3 on a box of gummy candies but this time of the year, I make a lot of exceptions to the rules. You are supposed to and if you don’t, Krumpus will eat your face. This particular box caught my eye in the candy section of Fresh Market a couple of weeks ago and if you saw the display, you know that’s a feat! Okay, I’ll show the display.

See? That’s a heck of a box to rise above this holiday mess! But it did and as if I was taken over by a tortured soul who needed purgatory relief and it could only be found in a box of holiday gummy candy, I grabbed it up quick. I didn’t even check the price or look to see if it was made with baby seal eyes. I just picked up the box, threw it at the cashier and yelled, “SHNUWABABBABA!”. We both knew what I meant.

So, one Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer gummy nose box richer and $3.08 poorer, I headed to the house to eat, think and write. Some people write about health care and the looming Iranian nuclear crisis, I write about Christmas candy in the shape of iconic noses. Eh, it keeps me simple.

Here we have the two flavors…of noses. One is watermelon and the other is red. I say red because for whatever reason, I believed it to be cherry and could not pull that flavor from the obvious not-watermelon nose. It was strawberry. You would think the process of elimination would determine strawberry but I really wanted it to be cherry. I am a fan of strawberry scent but just not a strawberry flavor. I blame Hubba Bubba circa 1984.

What can I say about an expensive candy that is a Rankin/Bass inspired body part? Awesome is what I can say! I love these tasty blops and to be honest, it’s the wrapping and I do think these should be a mandatory stocking stuffer. If for nothing more, you can do this to your wiener dog.

Kinda like the dog in A Nightmare Before Christmas, no?

November 26, 2013 4

Top Gun and the X-mas Pepsi Disaster

I am back. No more traveling for this working stiff. Well, at least not for another month so let the Christmas countdown begin!

Today I am going to share a story I seldom tell because it shows what a naive and questionably intelligent kid I was at age seven. It’s not that many had a good grasp on basic physics in their younger years but gee whiz, at least they didn’t do this.

Every Christmas Eve it is a family tradition to open one present. That present is carefully selected from the few that were under the tree which taunted me for a month before the big fella brought the rest later in the night. That particular Christmas, Top Gun was the previous summer hit and after having had a theater experience like that, I knew I was destined to be a F-14 Naval Aviator but (spoiler alert) we all know I did not. I eyed the gifts and with a recently purchased VCR begging to be fed, I eyed what could only be a VHS tape. To my delight, I received my favorite movie, Top Gun.

Not wasting anytime, I begged the parents to let me watch at least the beginning scene. You know the one, when all the planes take off and Kenny Loggins belts a killer “Danger Zone”? Yeah, you know the part. My nagging worked and I found myself up in their bedroom, unwrapping the cellophane, sliding the tape from the box and inserting the tape in the VCR. The anxiety of Christmas presents took a backseat to the movie which changed my life, or at least changed my idol from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Tom Cruise. Patiently, I waited through the FBI warning for piracy and just when I thought the Paramount mountain was next, it was a commercial.

It was not just a commercial but it was a Top Gun parody commercial by Diet Pepsi. Had it been one of the damn Coca Cola bear or that stupid pigtail-ed girl, I would have FFWD that shit out of it but this was different. This had two Navy Fighter jets! And a “Refreshment System”!

This pleased me.

Okay, so we have two fighters that just came off of maneuvers and in celebration they are treated to a Diet Pepsi but something went wrong. Apparently Mustang’s DPRS (Diet Pepsi Refreshment System) malfunctioned and would not release his drink. Taunted by his fellow crew in the opposing jet, he fibs and claims no problems on board while trying to jimmy his Diet Pepsi free. Then, pulling out a bottle opener, he has an idea.

Thinking fast, this cocky jet jockey pops the top of the Diet Pepsi that is lodged in its “Refreshment System” and held a cup to the edge of the bottle. Instead of tipping the bottle over the cup, Mustang turns his A-4 Skyhawk upside-down, simultaneously pouring his drink into his cup using gravity and the agility of his aircraft.

The two assholes in the F-5 look around in puzzlement, wondering where he went. To their surprise, Mustang pulls an inverted maneuver and looking up, they are canopy to canopy, forced to acknowledge there really was no problem with his ability to be refreshed.

We finish with Mustang rolling his jet over, his cup of Diet Pepsi keeping inline with the angle of attack. The two jets roar over head and disappear into the blue as the iconic voice of Pepsi states the tagline, “Diet Pepsi: The choose of a new generation”.

Whoa! I was fascinated. I wanted, nay, had to try to invert-pour a soft drink into a cup. Nevermind the movie beginning, nevermind Kenny Loggins was starting to sing about the “Danger Zone” and nevermind Santa, this was what I need to try. But how? I didn’t have an A-4 withe a refreshment system or even a bottle of Diet Pepsi.

I went downstairs and found the closest soda to a Diet Pepsi (a can of A&W) and a coffee mug. Also a bike helmet. I went back upstairs with the items in hand as the adults were still at the dinning room table talking about dull things which were apparently hilarious. I never understood the conversations from the adult table that elicited such laughs and wheezes.

There I was, sitting on the edge of the bed with my pretend fighter helmet on and holding a can of soda in my left and a mug in my right. How the hell am I going to do this? I tilted my left arm up as my right arm dipped but it wasn’t quite right. I needed to somehow roll myself upside down as well. Shit, this was hard.

I GOT IT!

What if I was to lay on my bed and role in a 360 degree righthand turn? That would surely work and not only would I feel like Mustang but it would be the only way I would drink soda from then on. I would be a trendsetter!

There were a couple of flaws with this plan which I am sure you can spot already. You see, the soda and my body need to remain static while the cup would be the only rotating item of the three. Or no, maybe the A&W rotate and the cup is static? Obviously I did not put much thought into the plan and laying on my stomach holding the can of A&W root beer in my left hand and the cup in my right, I began to roll over and poured the soda. Oddly the soda did not pour in the cup as planned but in a shocking and cold surprise, all over my face and the bedspread. I gurgled and spit and sat straight up, blinking the root beer from my eyes and when I came to, there was mom looking as shocked as I was.

She turned from the doorway and yelled downstairs to my dad, “BILL? BILL! YOUR SON IS IN HIS BIKE HELMET AND POURED ROOT BEER ALL OVER HIMSELF AND OUR BED!!!”. I am sure it must have been a pretty confusing sight to see and just as confusing to my dad and guests to hear. If there was ever explaining to do, this was it.

I won’t get into the yelling or the multiple towels and forced bath but I will say, they got over it. And every Christmas Eve I am reminded of the time I tried to pour a root beer upside-down…on their new bed…in a bike helmet.

Have any funny stories you are reminded of by loved ones during the Christmas season? Spill ’em! (see what I did there?)

November 26, 2013 2

Holiday Cheer From Yesteryear

I am about to enter into a week of work-hell so before I checkout starting Sunday through next Saturday, I thought I might link you to some past Thanksgiving-Holiday-Christmas posts from years past. It’s a cheap filler but if you have not read them, here is chance to grow your heart three sizes and decorate the dog.

Click the images to be whisked away to magical holiday…just click the images.

A couple of years ago I wrote 1100 words describing a one minute McDonald’s commercial from 1987. Back before the war against McDonald’s, kids had a special love for the restaurant. Every holiday season, these types of commercials left an indelible impression on us. I still remember most of them, mentally linking the airing to certain CBS holiday programming like Garfield’s Christmas or How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It was a simple time with simple pleasures like tearing up to Hardnose Mrs. Hatcher and her third grade class.

Oh my gorsh, the Muppet Family Christmas is my favorite holiday special. It’s the king and if you have never seen it, I weep for you. Jim Henson goes full nuclear on us by bringing together the Muppets, Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock under one roof for a Christmas never to be equaled again. We even get a little cameo from the master himself and if you have a dry eye, you have no soul.

Back before I knew the magic of Black Friday, I created a list of things I would rather do than subject myself to the herd of crazy bargain shoppers. Then, last year, the girl I was dating at the time introduced me to alcohol while shopping and I finally got it. Look for me at Target come 12:01am this coming Black Friday. I’ll be wearing something stupid and drinking a Big Gulp cup full of margarita.

Years ago I was in a bidding war on eBay for an ugly Christmas sweater. When the price got to $200 I backed out and lost the bid. Thank God because then I would have never had the motivation to create this monstrosity. AND, get “pinned” on Pintrest over 300,000 times. Sometimes fame comes in weird forms.

Hey, did you know certain European countries believed St. Nick had a demon sidekick that would kill and rape the bad kids? Yeah, it’s not bad enough to be screwed out of gifts because you didn’t finish your peas but get violated and killed by Krampus? Damn Christmas, you scary.

So there you go.

November 15, 2013 1

Sriracha Candy Canes?

This blog is no stranger to candy canes. Last year and the year before I did a pretty extensive review of all candy canes from the Smarties flavored ones to Jolly Rancher. It caused some awkward moments at the dentist the following month but it was well worth it to let the world know where these Christmas treats, which double as tree ornaments, stand. It’s my duty as a silly blogger.

I was positive that I tapped the cane market. They couldn’t possibly have come out with any more variations. I wrote damn near $200 off my taxes in just candy canes last year (kidding IRS) so if they made another version, I would certainly know about them.

And then I strolled into World Market.

SRIRACHA CANDY CANES!

You have got to be kidding me. I have been boasting to know the entire candy cane market only to get one-upped by a flavor that should not be.

The Canadian company, J&D Home Enterprises has defied all that is holy and infused Sriracha hot sauce with candy, colored it red, green and white and molded it into a cane. It’s 90% evil with 10% awesome and that is 100% VeggieMacabre approved. You might say nothing is sacred anymore but we live in a time when you can quit smoking by sucking on bubblegum flavored vapor. I don’t know.

Now I have to eat this craziness.

When breaking off a piece I immediately noticed a marrow that I am assuming is the Sriracha blend. It smelled like a regular candy and the first bite tasted like a regular candy cane but soon something else began to creep in. Yikes! It’s pretty darn spicy especially in the back of the throat and the sweet-tasting spot on the tongue (front center). I even felt a little heartburn after I finished. *swoon*

I think I love these Sriracha candy canes more than I should. In fact, I am looking for a mountain cabin getaway for the both of us. These things are my new favorite Christmas candy by a mile. Even though they don’t bear a liking to the Huy Fong Sriracha sauce we have come to love and put on everything, it has a kick that will leave you confused to why you have all twelve canes shoved in your mouth.

I bought these fine candy canes at World Market for around five bucks and if you have a tough time finding them in you area you can certainly order them at here. Trust me, if you like something spicy and new, you should probably buy at least forty boxes because they are awesome. Even on the back of the box it states “…great for tricking children…”. Come on, maaaan!

November 12, 2013 10

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