FLTO: Dill Pickle Wheat Thins

“There are two types of people in the world; those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t. My wife loves him.” -Bob Wiley

I believe that applies to crackers, as well. I, myself, am a Triscuit man. I have stated that since the fledgling days of VeggieMacabre and some two thousand boxes later, I still sing Gordon Lightfoot sad melodies when I reach the bottom of one. But every-so-often I cheat and pick up a box of Nabisco’s retarded sister, Wheat Thins. And that only happens when Wheat Thins come out with a wacky flavor.

For a limited time only, Wheat Thins now comes in a briny dill pickle flavor that dogs love! And, truth be told, I don’t hate them either. It’s all about the real pickle taste and the Nabisco scientists really got this one nailed.

It’s pretty crazy how absolutely dill picklish these crackers are. I must warn you, however, after fourteen crackers you need to drink seven hundred gallons of water. Really not sure if it’s the brine taste or the massive amount of sodium but holy crap, you ain’t winning a whistling contest after eating these.

AND WHAT THE HECK IS “NATURAL FLAVOR WITH OTHER NATURAL FLAVOR”??? It sounds both redundant and silly. It’s like me saying I’m a man with other man.

No…it’s not like that at all. That sounded completely wrong. Let me try that again. It’s like saying the black car is black with more black. I think we get it if you just state that the car is black. Just like if it has natural flavors, who cares if it has other natural flavors? Maybe I am just being picky.

So, if you are at the store and like pickles AND dig Wheat Thins, you might want to throw these in the basket with your lotion. They are only here for a limited time and that’s why I just spent twenty minutes writing about them.

June 16, 2014 1

Limited Time Only Pop-Tarts and Fiber Fruit Snacks?

Oh heck, why not? Time for another Limited Time Only edition where I tell you to run out and buy something before it becomes product history. Are you ready? If not, I can wait. I’ll be over here watching Maximum Overdrive for the thirtieth time this week. “You got that, Fuck-Face?” I was referring to the movie, not to you.

Holy Jesus’s ghost, Pop-Tarts turned 50?!?! And they brought back an extinct flavor to boot? Oh it truly is an amazing time we live in. Yes sir, the fine people at Kellogg are celebrating 50 years making these flat, fruit-filled pastries that turn to napalm when toasted. While there are hundreds of flavors, Pop-Tarts do a great job of introducing limited time additions to the collection much like the one above. But “Flavor Flashback” does lead me to believe this was once a constant.

These….are not good for you. Even as a little kid, I knew Pop-Tarts were less breakfast and more a Friday night kid-coke binge treat. You still have to love them for what they are and that is America. Where else can you get an anthropomorphic toaster named “Milton” to push unnaturally preserved sugar squares with goo in the middle for breakfast? And was a success?

I got the birthday cake edition and while they are no S’mores Pop-Tarts, they aren’t too bad. I think having a birthday cake flavor Pop-Tart is very appropriate for the milestone of 50 years. Just think, a half century of pumping pure sugar through the veins of kids making life a living hell for thousands of bus drivers, parents and teachers. I also think they went to space and if I am not mistaken, we dropped around a million over Afghanistan in 2001. Take that you goddamn Taliban!

For good measure, I tried one so you know I come from an honest place. It’s like someone put cake frosting between two, three year old graham crackers. And the graham crackers were stored in a very damp lake cabin. It’s the most accurate way I can describe them. Now I will take them to my office and feed them to our AP lady’s kid who she has to bring with her to work after 3:00. That kid hasn’t sold me out yet.

In other news, the people at Fiber One took my long love of Fun Fruits and turned them into something that improves colon health. Jebus Hebus, age happens to us all. But hopefully having to be health conscious that doesn’t mean everything has to taste like dog balls. No, Fiber One does great things in the department of tricking you into eating fiber without crappy mixing powders or Grape Nuts. By the way, what’s up with Grape Nuts? No grapes-no nuts?

Be sure to tip your waitress, ladies and gentlemen.

It’s kind of funny that they make little fruit shapes to trick us into tasting the intended flavors. Even as a guy in his thirties, I do like eating orange flavored fruit snacks in the shapes of orange slices. It would really mess me up if they were in the shapes of trees. I do, however, really prefer Spooky Fruits.

At three grams of fiber per pack, that is equivalent of a really big piece of broccoli, a small apple or a normal banana. I need an average of around thirty-eight grams to keep me going a day and that means I need to eat 12.666666666666667 packs a day. That means a box is 1.8999999 short of a my daily fiber needs. I think that’s doable.

These kind of taste like they are intended to be good for you so we know what that means. Yup, they are average when it comes to taste and texture. Sure, if I had to pick between these and dried peas, I would definitely choose the poop inducing fruit snack but alone, I am afraid these just don’t make the cut for $3.99.

Thanks friends and I hope you are relaxing tonight.

June 9, 2014 2

October For A Sunday

Every so often I get a Sunday like this one and brother, these are so rare I just can’t waste them. It’s dark and rainy out with no sign of it stopping, so in my mind I am creating an “October Sunday”. What is an October Sunday, you ask? Well, it’s a day when you barricade yourself in a safe spot and pretend it’s October just so you can watch spooky flicks, drink cider and act on all the Fall fun, if just for a few hours. But be careful, long time lovers of the macabre season can get burned out if we do this too often so it’s best to take Bastian’s advice from The Never Ending Story when he was conserving his lunch, “No…not too much. We still have a long way to go.”

I think this October Sunday (not a U2 song) I will impart my tricks of the trade with you, incase you find yourself months away from Target selling skeletons and severed hands and want to dip your toe in some creepy activities. I am not saying I am doing everything that you would consider fun but this may be a loose guideline and perhaps an idea or two will help you muster your inner Satan. Or you can read this and say I am crazy. Either way.

Summer is for grilling and Autumn is for crock potting. If you want to have an early October there is no better way than to slow cook pot roast. It quite honestly is my olfactory link to The Simpson Treehouse of Terror, Season 2. I can’t explain it and don’t even want to dissect why for fear it would somehow change my link of meat to a cartoon but if I really am all in for an October Sunday, there’s got to be a fiddle in the band. And by fiddle I mean pot roast. The band is a crock pot.

I bet there is a vegetarian way to do this too. I love you all and if meat isn’t on the menu, share with us what you would do! I am curious.

Coffee is my fuel that drives creativity, mental prowess, jitters and my ability to say “Big Bertha bought Bill’s bakery before Bob’s birthday” two hundred times in a minute. Lucky for me on this dark and stormy Sunday, I reserved pumpkin spice from Archer’s Farm to add that need boost to trick my taste buds into believing I will be sipping this while watching AMC’s Fearfest. A little goes a long way and after today, I will not visit anything pumpkin for another three months. I just need a quick fix.

Oh, and if you are going to buy a Keurig coffee maker, don’t buy the VUE. No one sells the damn cups unless you are at Bed Bath and Beyond or ordering online. And if you know me, then you know I often don’t have coffee here. I just happened to be at Bed Bath and Beyond for a table-cloth. That’s my life now, ladies and gentlemen. I shop around for a table-cloth.

While you wait EIGHT HOURS for the pot roast to cook you need a spooky snack. I decided the good people at Hormel had just the canvass for a little Jack-o-Pepperoni. Behind that is extra sharp cheddar. Anything duller is completely unacceptable unless you can find habanero cheddar. That is very much acceptable.

The vehicle for the meat and cheese can be anything. I recently ripped through a box of Triscuits, grossing out my dog, so I am forced to use pretzels. God, how I wish I had some Triscuits.

Also, you vegetarians, I am sorry there is another meat. Replace pepperoni with apple.

Alright, so we have the crock pot rocking, sending crazy good smells throughout the house, the pumpkin coffee is brewed and horror snacks are made without severing a finger trying to carve faces in meat. Now we find that little hideaway that is safe from the rest of normal society. For me, it’s my office. The only place where a 36-year-old can safely bask in pictures of Skeletor and Michael Myers. Even though it’s still rainy and windy outside, there is too much light. I don’t have blackout shutters so I have to make do with the guest bed comforter. The October Sunday is much more effective if it’s dark. Very dark.

I recently washed this comforter myself and you can still see areas where the stuffing separated. I swear those are not stains. I swear. Also, if you hang this up using a swivel chair with wheels, godspeed.

Of course, how can we have a creepy Sunday without a terribly good horror flick? It’s honestly impossible to achieve full spooky without a horror movie. Lucky for me, I have a few of these horror collections, Netfix, Hulu and Vudu. Out of all these, I am sure there is something that will suffice. I am thinking The Unholy. Bare boobs can add a few bonus points, if you are looking for extra credit.

It’s coming together but we aren’t quite there. As you can see, my little space is ready for a great Sunday of escapism full of blogging, horror movie watching and internet surfing. The aroma candle is lit and my buddy, Cosmo the Great, is sawing logs on the bed behind me. We just have one little detail left to complete.

Perfection! It’s 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon and I am safely removed from any hint that it is the beginning of June. For all I know, shut in my capsule of delusion, it’s October 17th, 2023. It’s a fine Sunday indeed. I think another “Beers with Movie Sauce” review is on the books for later this afternoon, but for now, I will bask in this great little lie I call October Sunday. Try it! You’ll like it. But remember, not too much. We still have a long way to go.

Of course I can’t leave out Matt’s Dinosaur Dracula archives. You didn’t think I forgot that, did you? Come on, I’m a pro at this.

June 8, 2014 10

Beers With Movie Sauce: Halloween II (the good one)

Here we are again, drinking beer and hot sauce while yapping about a film that has been out long enough to witness thirty different fashion trends. Tonight we tip back a beer from the Band of Brewers in the great state of Colorado. This Coors product is Third Shift Ale and it kinda sucks. I don’t feel the need to sugar coat the truth so I will just lay it out there.

The hot sauce, however, is one of my favorites not only because it comes from the home of one of the greatest breweries, Arrogant Bastard, but because it tastes amazing. The Double Burn Habanero Bastard will light your face while leaving a pleasant throat tingling feeling. I think there is some sort of illegal agent in the mix.

Okay, tonight I am sharing my love for the sequel to John Carpenter’s classic, Halloween II. I loved this film for a number of reasons but most notably I loved this film because when I saw it, I fell in love with the genre. It was one of the first “slasher” films I was exposed to through the safety of channel 46’s FCC guidelines. But that didn’t stop me from searching out rentals in later years to fill the need for Autumn creepy goodness.

So go to the fridge and grab a beer, turn down the lights and also the brain. It’s time for another episode of Beers with Movie sauce.

May 29, 2014 0

For A Limited Time Only SODAS!

Are you ready for the summer?

Are you ready for the good times?

Are you ready for the birds and bees,

The apple trees,

And a whole lot of fooling’ around.

–Meatballs

Summer is here ladies and gentlemen so apply that sunblock, put on the shades and kick back at the pool taking short breaks to yell “no running” every few minutes to kids you don’t know. It’s a fun little game I like to call “getting to not know your neighbors”.

Above all the great sweating that you will probably do this season, we are gifted with a couple new limited time only sodas from the great people over at Dr. Pepper, Mt. Dew and…Taco Bell. I’ll explain in a minute.

Ba-Boom! I present to you the summer edition of Mt. Dew Baja Blast and Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float, both cans which scream beach balls and top-of-feet-sunburn. The quiet rumblings on Twitter were only confirmed when I was running into the grocery store for sandwich bags only to be stopped dead in my tracks by a tower of mixed twelve packs accompanied by beach chairs and Banana Boat lotions. I walked out two twelve packs richer and no sandwich bags. I still need sandwich bags. Shit.

That is the color of paradise, no? It quite honestly is a Crayola Fiji and if that’s not a thing, I think they should jump on that. Mt. Dew Baja Blast was originally a Taco Bell exclusive and the only way to drink it was when you demanded to have diarrhea at 2am. By that I mean, the only way to get a Baja Blast Dew was dining in or out of a Taco Bell. Since summer hit across the US, we are now safely able to consume Baja Blast minus a blast.

As far as taste goes, I really don’t have a good barometer for Mt. Dew since the sugar and caffeine are turned up to eleven, it all is the same to this 36-year-old. However, if I shut my eyes just at first sip, my brain conjures up tropical fruit snacks from the late eighties. That with a hint of soap. The color far outweighs the soapy after taste so if you can push the thoughts of Dial out of your mind, this drink should be your go-to thirst quencher.

Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float? Sure, why not since there are other variations of the Dr. Pepper like Cherry Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Dr.Pepper, 10 Calorie Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper, Double Diet Semi-Cherry 10 Calorie Dr. Pepper and so on. The Vanilla Float, as far as I know, doesn’t have a third cousin.

This one left a little to be desired. I like Dr. Pepper. I like vanilla floats. But a strange thing happens when you combine them. Have you ever heard that if you put a wooden spoon on top of a boiling pot it prevents the contents from boiling over? (Seriously, it works) Kind of the same thing. These two flavors take the carbonation out of the drink within seconds. I don’t get it, but damn if it doesn’t flatten faster than a dog sneeze. It’s fast. The flavor is exactly what you would expect; sweet vanilla with sweeter Dr. Pepper. It’s sweet.

The real bonus is the can itself. I’m a sucker for the packaging and this can is what makes summer in the grand ol’ USA great. I know, it’s nothing more than clip art but what the hell, I love it so much I reserved a can for my soda collection. I just started that odd collection last year which makes this my fifth can. At this rate, I should have enough for a case by forty-five. And at forty-five, having a soda collection should solidify my single lifestyle. No woman in her right mind would stand for closet full of expired soda. Or maybe she would be the best woman in the world? Hmm, new standards forming.

So, there you have it! We have started out summer in high gear with two great summer beverages or at least one great soda color and another great soda can. You can’t expect to have your cake and throw it too.

If you want to find out first hand about Baja Blast, my boy Brian from Reviewtheworld.com was able acquire a cup through questionable motives. 😉 Watch and have fun.

May 27, 2014 2

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