Here is another beer review from the guy who beat his furniture to his new place. So, when you can’t sit on anything and there is no cable, internet, you read all your books and know no one….drink a beer and talk about it. To who? Why, you of course!
Candy Cane Culture Clash
This is a topic I have been meaning to write about for years but for some reason or another, I find myself in February before I can. So today, while it is still relevant, I want to write about candy canes. And not the ones we grew up with…
…but the candy canes that truly are candy. I believe Lifesaver candy was the first shot over the bow of Christmas to tell peppermint to get bent. But this bold and progressive move against holly-jolly opened the flood gates and soon other candy makers began to take their goodies, shape them into canes, package them in boxes and ship them to the stores for a 200% profit. How they didn’t jump on this back in the 1950’s when most teenagers still believed in Santa and a desk could stop a nuclear blast, I don’t know. But they are here now, and for twenty bucks I’m going to review them.
As you can see, I have made an Imperial Star Destroyer out of the boxes of candy canes that are about to be reviewed. I will admit, the color spectrum is quite festive and it almost seems a shame to take them out of the box and chew them up. But this site isn’t a photography sight (no shit) and I am less of a guy to stop and gaze at beauty so let’s bust them out.
So I have or tried to remove all the candy canes from the boxes. The Sour Patch Kids did not fare too well but as a guy in his thirties I no longer feel the need to suck my candy cane into a shanking weapon so broken or not, they eat the same to me. You will also notice that these have been labeled and displayed to easy choosing. I did, however, forget to segregate them by flavor. Aw fuck. Oh well, I’ll be surprised.
First! Okay, here we have Jolly Rancher Candy Canes and these appear to be the “Smoothie” edition. Interesting. They come in three flavors being strawberry, mixed berry and watermelon. I am only trying a couple flavors in this review because in all honesty, I have no sweet-tooth. If given the choice between a candy cane and a dry two-day-old triscuit that may or may not have been on the kitchen floor, I would most likely choose the latter. But what the hay, it’s Christmas and if you have been reading this site for any length of time then you know my reviews hold zero weight.
For all those who think that I am eating every variety in whole, this is a no. I have wrestled these out of their insanely tight wrapping and broken a tip off because…why do you think? Exactly. This particular candy cane is most definitely watermelon. If you can’t tell watermelon in taste, you have something seriously wrong with all six senses. I can most definitely taste the Jolly Rancher though the “smoothie” part is a miss on me. It is just sweeter and less sour than a normal watermelon Jolly Rancher is. (8 out of 10 Tim Allen fat suits)
Starburst Candy Canes. I have a bone to pick with these. Green Apple is not a flavor in the original Starburst line. Out of all the winning flavors in the lineup, why did they choose a nonexistent flavor? It confuses me much the same as why the Peanut gang are in different costumes for all recent Charlie Brown Halloween merchandise. It’s a stretch by comparison but the nerve is the same. So I’m not going to try the green apple. I am going with the strawberry flavor because I need to see if these candy canes are indeed the same as the glorious taffy originals. And holy shit they do!!! I am more of a cherry and orange Starburst fan but I will never leave a pink one for last. This is a pleasant surprise. I can’t vouch for the green apple because, what would I compare it to? (8 out of 10 Moose Mugs)
Gobstoppers have always been a mystery to me. I think it’s the name. According to the source of all things true, Wikipidia, the term “gob” means “mouth” in the United Kingdom. (Guise, is this true?) Therefore, a gobstopper must mean to stop one’s mouth. And…I learned something today. Anyway, Gobstoppers were never my first choice as a kid but I did fill a paintball gun with some and had minor success at making a kid cry about twenty years ago.
Oh, the candy canes you asked? Meh. I chose the white one just out of curiosity.
Call me gross if you must, but doesn’t this remind you of a baby tooth just recently lost? It’s the only thing I can think of once I cracked this piece off. Perhaps it’s strange irony but this should be a foretelling of tooth decay to come. The taste? It’s fruit punch. Most definitely fruit punch. (7 out of 10 Narwhals)
These are the ones I have been dying to review. Sour Patch Kids have been the candy of choice every time I go to the movies and a box of these can certainly burn all taste away for a solid week. I also like to share them with friends and press that little spot between the jaw and the bottom of the earlobe. Try it next time your eating these. You’ll hate it.
I tried to make sure that all the boxes of candy canes were purchased without damage but I believe these floppy cocks were shoved in the box the same way Lenny pets a mouse. But like I said, I am not here for looks. It’s the similarity to the original that I am here to review.
They are sour, there’s no argument with that but as for the similarity? Not really. They are Lifesaver candy canes dipped in Sour Patch Kid sour…sugar…stuff. It’s exactly what I expected so therefor I will only give it an average grade. (7 out of 10 Figgy Puddings)
Spree! I love the name. Spree candy canes promise to have a “flavor kick” on the inside much like the original candy that tastes like Advil on the outside and a powdery sour mix on the inside. Between the 500% of daily sugar intake and the fact these are hard candies, it makes Spree a dental nightmare. To combat this Willy Wonka adds that thse are fat free candies. So we have that going for us!
These are pretty good. I am not going to lie that of all the candy canes, these have come out close to the top only because they are not absurdly sweet and sour. I’m an ordinary average guy so there for these will get an above average average grade. (9 out of 10 Bumpus Hounds)
Well it’s nice to see someone hasn’t forgotten the mint in a candy cane! I love these! As an addict of coffee and tea, I have the need to brush my teeth five times a day. What? I don’t know why I needed to say that. Oh yeah! This has a great coffee-like taste to it and sure enough, it’s a spectacular stir stick! Hershey does a great job with the “less is more” angle and if you like mint in your stick and enjoy chocolate too, this candy cane is for you. Damn, I need to write jingles. (10 out of 10 ill-digested potato or beef resulting in a hallucination of the ghost of Jacob Marley)
Last but not least we have come to Sweetart Candy Canes and the ones that look most similar in color scheme to the intro to Saved By The Bell. Like most other assorted candy canes, these come in a variety of flavors being cherry, green apple and blue punch. I choose you, Blue! Pika! Pika!
These are just like what I had imagined. What a shocker. They are mildly sour and that stays through duration of eating. I like them but in all honesty, a 13 year old’s pallet is what these things were designed for. Without a lot of fanfare I will end this review on an average grade. (8 out of 10 shoeless John McLanes)
So there you have it! These aren’t your traditional peppermint candy canes and some don’t quite taste like their original form but I like the spirit of them. This is the time of year to get a cavity or two, gain a couple of pounds or even suck a cane to a sharp point and stab those terrible inflatable lawn ornaments across the street that you’ve been staring at for the past month. These are all good things so be good for goodness sakes…somebody’s comin’! Somebody’s comin’! Wait, that was from Ghostbusters.
Sorry for the lack of Christmas posts. I am getting a better laptop because this one sounds like the truck/generator that Arnold filled with explosives, lifted off it’s stand and pushed into an enemy tent in the movie, Predator.
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!
Comfort Holiday Food or CHF For Short
Wow, I never thought a title could be so stupid until I actually saw it typed. And yes, it is amazingly bad so I will leave it. Then again, it does cut to the point of this pointless blog and today I am writing about an easy concoction that any dude can follow. Seriously, if you can’t make this I…I just feel for you. Turn your kitchen into an indoor pool or something because you are obviously like Ozzy Osbourne trying to make breakfast. So let’s get started on this holiday-cold weather-need a sweater-don’t care about calorie CHF for the season: Will-Bill’s take on Shepard’s Pie.
Have you ever had truly authentic Irish food? Not what you were thinking, was it? No, these folks are great at whiskey but when it comes to food in Ireland, I can say from experience, you need an unassuming tongue. But what do I know? I hail from the land of Cheeseburgers. And that being said I have turned Shepard’s Pie into just that…a mashed-up cheeseburger.
First on the list of list is to brown the meat. I always go with the 80/20 because I saw Alton Brown cooking with it on TV and if it’s on TV it has to be right. With the meat I usually add a table-spoon of salt and pepper but thanks to the good people at McCormick, they have their own version that I add to almost everything now.
McCormick’s Grill Mates have a Montreal Steak seasoning that is good on almost everything. If you are worried about your sodium level, they boast to have 20% less salt but lets face it, it’s still a shit load of salt. THIS IS COMFORT FOOD! Read about seaweed and poached kale diets on some other blog. Douse this seasoning liberally to your meat and continue to brown.
Ah, nature’s flavor sponges. I take a package of mushrooms and quarter them. Why do quarter them and not slice, you ask? I really think they are better this way. Don’t worry, mushrooms absorb everything so they shrink. They’ll still fit.
No dinner that I cook is void of these three ingredients: jalapeno, garlic and onion. I chop the jalapeno into halves and add them to the meat right away. (Don’t forget the seeds!) Next I slap-chop the garlic and onion to oblivion. God I love the SlapChop. The only thing I hate though is removing the damn skins from the garlic. But there is no way around it so I guess I will always have to do the whole smash, cuss and peel method. See below.
Alright, the meat is drained (often), and the garlic, pepper, onion and ‘shooms are added. I reduce the heat, cover and let the mix…mix. Now go to the fridge and get a second beer. GO TO THE FRIDGE AND GET A SECOND BEER!!!
While you are giving the mushrooms time to simmer and soak in the jalapeno and garlic, it’s time to bring out the second phase. I call it “Phase Two”. We are adding one and a half cans of cream of mushroom soup (fat-full kind) and one can of drained whole corn. Usually peas are added too but a certain someone who will be eating this hates peas. I can’t think of a substitute so corn is going solo.
When you feel that the mushrooms have taken in all flavor they can we add the soup and corn, cover and let simmer for about five minutes or so on low heat. By now the smell of garlic should be chasing all vampires out of you attic. I assume that your beer is almost done so head over to the fridge and get another. If I have to say it one more time….IF I HAVE TO SAY IT ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!
We are almost there so next comes the third phase or as I like to call it, “Alpha one”. You need to bring four cups of water to a boil in a medium size pot. Once you have achieved a boil, remove the pot from the heat and pour in two bags of Idahoan instant potatoes and whip with a fork until firm. Why instant and not real? Because I’m not a real cook. These potatoes take less time than Kraft Mac&Cheeze so be ready for them. And by read I mean you need to pour the meat’n-stuff into a cooking pan like so…
God, that looks like the worst brownie in the world, doesn’t it? I looks like you invited an old Eastern Euro-Bloc guy to a holiday office party an assigned him deserts to bring. He would say, “I vill bring brownies for holiday party and you vill like!”. I imagine he would look like this.
I forgot what we were doing. How’s your beer?
Now we pour the potatoes over the Bosnia Brownie (I served 3 consecutive years over there. Let me have that joke!) and spread them over the top much as you would ice a cake.
For the final phase or Phase “I don’t know, Margo” we will add an entire bag of cheese. Generally I use cheddar but when I see the word “new” on a bag I buy it immediately. Now, I forgot to tell you to preheat the oven to 375 but I assume you aren’t reading this in realtime as you cook. If you are, then I love you. But sorry, you need to preheat the oven to 375. Time for another beer or SO HELP ME! Cover the whole…casserole(?) with aluminum foil and bake this masterpiece for 25 minutes.
After all that work you should be looking at something similar to this. Wait till it cools before digging in. I feel like I have to say that for some reason. This is an easy dinner that most anyone will like unless they hate beef, mushrooms, garlic, cheese, potatoes, onions, jalapenos or life. In that case there are TV dinners.
ANNOUNCEMENT! The Practical Cook and I are challenging each other to a video review where we assign one another to holiday items to, well, review. Later today I take on that challenge and it will be posted right here. Rock on and be merry, Harry!
Holiday Cocktail Tales
Here is the first segment of the new Holiday show for Veggiemacabre.tv. It is a little video covering a few of my favorite party libations with some quick ways to make them. But be warned, they can be a little stiff so make sure, especially in a company-party environment, that you drink them sparingly or find yourself with a lampshade on the head and telling your boss what you really think of his golf swing. I tried to keep the nonessential chatter to a minimum but you know me…never one for brevity.
I’ll post the recipes shortly but until then please enjoy the video and let me know some of your holiday creations!
Oh yeah, there is a moment when the video gets a little wonky and it looks like I am in a bad dubbing foreign video. Keep watching because my voice soon meets my lips. Just a weird quirk I suppose. I am not quite the Practical Cook, I know.
Hardnose Hatcher
I always wait to pull the Holiday trigger after Matt does at X-Entertainment and though it feels early, I am already in full swing. This time of the year gets busy fast so if I want to squeeze all the fun in the season, it has to start now. But much like a sixth grade Sadie Hawkins dance, it’s hard to get the party started. How can we kick off the” Thanksmas” celebration? I think I will dissect a little McDonald’s holiday commercial from the Thanksgiving of 1987. If you don’t know her you soon will. “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher.
Long ago, when I was a kid, the McDonald’s corporation actually had decent, heartfelt commercials that were not only catchy but had cute messages like appreciate your teachers, don’t count out the elderly and having a part time job at McDonald’s was something your five year old would be proud of. Today, well, we have Happy Meals in bags with apples and Ronald McDonald does yoga while pitching child-size bottled water. Life today is devout of story and only filled in with sound bites and catch phrases. I miss the days of “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher.
This commercial will always be a holiday classic because it has been preserved in a VHS copy of the Claymation Christmas Special that aired on CBS back in 1987. The story is about a tough teacher from the perspective of a third grade class. They sing this cute song to the tune of the McDonald’s 1980’s theme “Good time for the great taste of McDonald’s” and explain what a total bitch she can be. As you can see above, she is shooing way the token ass-kisser of the class. Everybody was an equal maggot in Mrs. Hatcher’s class.
She paces the aisles of the classroom like Darth Vader, demanding to open the text books to a certain page or face a probable fate of a public chastising. The look of intimidation is reflective of the faces of the kids. Mrs. Hatcher has a standing rule of absolute no fuckery.
No matter what the excuse, like the legitimate “homework flew out the bus window” line, it doesn’t hold water with Mrs. Hatcher. She knows that homework only is eaten by dogs. Her ancient Kulu Flatchu “Stare of Truth” brings this lad to his knees, confessing the fact that he didn’t do it. One thousand knuckle push-ups in the back of the classroom!
The only reprieve from “Hardnose” Hatcher was an occasional substitute teacher. The collective sigh and low-fives clearly express the constant tension and standard these kids are expected to uphold.
But soon the ways of Mrs. Hatcher prove to have an ulterior motive as inspiration and determination showed the kids that they can achieve anything through hard work. Hard work and an occasional hickory lashing on the side of the school building. (that’s on the extended studio release) When things got tough, she made them stick to it. As seen above, it appears that Jimmy Sad-Face finally mastered the dreaded cursive “Z”. Mrs. Hatcher maybe a “hardnose” but she was also a softheart. (God shoot me)
At thirty-seven seconds into the commercial we reach the last day of school and all the kids may have whip scars and calloused knuckles but hell if they haven’t mastered long division! The kids have a “Hardnose Hatcher” day of appreciation at the local McDonald’s as the class bitch announces exactly what they gave her from the menu. I think this was the #two on the menu back in ’87 but Mrs. Hatcher demanded that no cut-corners will ever be tolerated so she had to spell out the prehistoric McDLT, drink and fries. Mrs. Hatcher was pleased.
But we aren’t quite done yet. The third grade class still had one more parting gift for their teacher. Jimmy Sad-face is elected to present a t-shirt with everyone’s signature to her with the tear-jerking words “we’ll never forget ‘cha”. Jimmy Sad-Face isn’t thrilled with his name but it beats his second grade name of Jimmy Shit-His-Pants.
What’s this? “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher has the capability of emotion? It’s okay, Mrs. Hatcher. The year is over. Feel free to crack your horsey smile just once. The kids deserve a little peek at what’s behind that tough exterior. Summer is long to a third grader and next year is the big world of fourth grade. Your sweaters and lipstick stained coffee mugs will be a distant memory.
So, in just a over a minute we covered an entire school year and the legacy of “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher. It’s funny to look back at this because in 1987 I was the age of a third grader… I think. I remember watching this with an empathetic nod as the kids are forced to devote the third grade to Mrs. Hatcher when the next door class had the hot twenty-three year old fun teacher. I think everyone of us has had a “Hardnose” Hatcher. And in all honesty, they are the ones that we remember the most.
You just read a breakdown of a commercial from 1987. Feel good about that? I am sorry. If you have a spare minute you can watch it below and have the tune in your head till 2087.
Guess what??? It’s that time of the year again and Thanksmas season means that VeggieMacabre.TV has now switched gears. Come check out the new layout and soon all the X-Mas adventures will begin.
Casserole of Disaster 