Category: Random

Holiday Cocktail Tales

Here is the first segment of the new Holiday show for Veggiemacabre.tv. It is a little video covering a few of my favorite party libations with some quick ways to make them. But be warned, they can be a little stiff so make sure, especially in a company-party environment, that you drink them sparingly or find yourself with a lampshade on the head and telling your boss what you really think of his golf swing. I tried to keep the nonessential chatter to a minimum but you know me…never one for brevity.

I’ll post the recipes shortly but until then please enjoy the video and let me know some of your holiday creations!

Eggnog. How it should be. Take note.

Oh yeah, there is a moment when the video gets a little wonky and it looks like I am in a bad dubbing foreign video. Keep watching because my voice soon meets my lips. Just a weird quirk I suppose. I am not quite the Practical Cook, I know.

8

Hardnose Hatcher

I always wait to pull the Holiday trigger after Matt does at X-Entertainment and though it feels early, I am already in full swing. This time of the year gets busy fast so if I want to squeeze all the fun in the season, it has to start now. But much like a sixth grade Sadie Hawkins dance, it’s hard to get the party started. How can we kick off the” Thanksmas” celebration? I think I will dissect a little McDonald’s holiday commercial from the Thanksgiving of 1987. If you don’t know her you soon will. “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher.

Long ago, when I was a kid, the McDonald’s corporation actually had decent, heartfelt commercials that were not only catchy but had cute messages like appreciate your teachers, don’t count out the elderly and having a part time job at McDonald’s was something your five year old would be proud of. Today, well, we have Happy Meals in bags with apples and Ronald McDonald does yoga while pitching child-size bottled water. Life today is devout of story and only filled in with sound bites and catch phrases. I miss the days of “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher.

This commercial will always be a holiday classic because it has been preserved in a VHS copy of the Claymation Christmas Special that aired on CBS back in 1987. The story is about a tough teacher from the perspective of a third grade class. They sing this cute song to the tune of the McDonald’s 1980’s theme “Good time for the great taste of McDonald’s” and explain what a total bitch she can be. As you can see above, she is shooing way the token ass-kisser of the class. Everybody was an equal maggot in Mrs. Hatcher’s class.

She paces the aisles of the classroom like Darth Vader, demanding to open the text books to a certain page or face a probable fate of a public chastising. The look of intimidation is reflective of the faces of the kids. Mrs. Hatcher has a standing rule of absolute no fuckery.

No matter what the excuse, like the legitimate “homework flew out the bus window” line, it doesn’t hold water with Mrs. Hatcher. She knows that homework only is eaten by dogs. Her ancient Kulu Flatchu “Stare of Truth” brings this lad to his knees, confessing the fact that he didn’t do it. One thousand knuckle push-ups in the back of the classroom!

The only reprieve from “Hardnose” Hatcher was an occasional substitute  teacher. The collective sigh and low-fives clearly express the constant tension and standard these kids are expected to uphold.

But soon the ways of Mrs. Hatcher prove to have an ulterior motive as inspiration and determination showed the kids that they can achieve anything through hard work. Hard work and an occasional hickory lashing on the side of the school building. (that’s on the extended studio release) When things got tough, she made them stick to it. As seen above, it appears that Jimmy Sad-Face finally mastered the dreaded cursive “Z”. Mrs. Hatcher maybe a “hardnose” but she was also a softheart. (God shoot me)

At thirty-seven seconds into the commercial we reach the last day of school and all the kids may have whip scars and calloused knuckles but hell if they haven’t mastered long division! The kids have a “Hardnose Hatcher” day of appreciation at the local McDonald’s as the class bitch announces exactly what they gave her from the menu. I think this was the #two on the menu back in ’87 but Mrs. Hatcher demanded that no cut-corners will ever be tolerated so she had to spell out the prehistoric McDLT, drink and fries. Mrs. Hatcher was pleased.

But we aren’t quite done yet. The third grade class still had one more parting gift for their teacher. Jimmy Sad-face is elected to present a t-shirt with everyone’s signature to her with the tear-jerking words “we’ll never forget ‘cha”. Jimmy Sad-Face isn’t thrilled with his name but it beats his second grade name of Jimmy Shit-His-Pants.

What’s this? “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher has the capability of emotion? It’s okay, Mrs. Hatcher. The year is over. Feel free to crack your horsey smile just once. The kids deserve a little peek at what’s behind that tough exterior. Summer is long to a third grader and next year is the big world of fourth grade. Your sweaters and lipstick stained coffee mugs will be a distant memory.

So, in just a over a minute we covered an entire school year and the legacy of “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher. It’s funny to look back at this because in 1987 I was the age of a third grader… I think. I remember watching this with an empathetic nod as the kids are forced to devote the third grade to Mrs. Hatcher when the next door class had the hot twenty-three year old fun teacher. I think everyone of us has had a “Hardnose” Hatcher. And in all honesty, they are the ones that we remember the most.

You just read a breakdown of a commercial from 1987. Feel good about that? I am sorry. If you have a spare minute you can watch it below and have the tune in your head till 2087.

Guess what??? It’s that time of the year again and Thanksmas season means that VeggieMacabre.TV has now switched gears. Come check out the new layout and soon all the X-Mas adventures will begin.

5

How to Make “Hate Pizza”

I can’t really put my finger on when I started to be a fan of spicy food but as far as I can remember, it started in my early adult years. Actually, the more I think about it, my contempt for bland food began in the Army which led me to dowse everything with Tabasco. Since then I have ventured far up the Scoville unit scale , turning Tabasco from what used to be a heated nasal enema to mere sprinkles on a sunday.  My stomach can probably break down a twelve gauge shotgun shell with little more than a hiccup and taps to the chest.  But with this found glory of dastardly concoctions comes a lonely road where no one wants to eat everything I cook for fear of  reenacting a Bean-O commercial. I get it. Then there is Halloween with parties and I see a chance to disguise my love as a gimmicky party-food novelty. Oh I have sights for them to see. Let me teach you how to make the Devil’s pizza or how it has come to be known: Hate Pizza.

Okay. First off you need pre-made pizza crust (preferably thin) and coat it in extra virgin olive oil. I, myself, am very particular about the kind of EVOO but in reality it doesn’t matter for this particular pizza. Also, I didn’t make my own crust because when people are eating this they aren’t going to comment about how amazing the crust is but rather wonder if hitting their mouths with a hammer would reduce the burn.

You will also notice those attractive orange peppers known as habaneros. Yes, they are powerful and each one can ruin a night depending on your palate. I add eight of these lovelies and before we mince, I take off the stems because…people eat will eat this you know.

I load up all eight into the ol’ SlapChop and pound the bajeebus out of them until they are finely minced. Also, I add six garlic…things. You know, the whole pieces off the clove? You know what I mean.

That looks pretty inviting, don’t you think? Actually, right after I took this picture the mixture of the over ripe garlic and habaneros combined to almost knock me over. My eyes and nasal passages took a time out and I had to go outside and blindly pace the yard, hoping insult to injury wouldn’t result in dog poop on the shoes.

The sauce. Any good chef knows the magic of a good pie rests in the sauce. I prefer Don Pepino to Ragu sauce. Actually I prefer motor oil to Ragu but that is letting my snippy side out. You will notice that only about 1/4 of the can is used. “But Will”, you ask, “how will only 1/4 of a can of pizza sauce be enough to cover the whole pizza crust?” Good question!

Because I am adding a whole blammin’ jar of super hot Sriracha Hoy Fu Kong sauce! And it is amazing! If you have never been to a Vietnamese restaurant and had Pho or any other dish you are missing out. This is where I fell in love with Sriracha and have been looking for a good cross-dish. And sista’, I have found my medium.

While applying the sauce to the pre-made crust I thought making a devil face would be appropriate. All it ended up looking like was a frog. But it’s an EVIL frog!

We are almost there. At this point the oven is preheating to 475. A whole medium size bag of shredded mozzarella is evenly spread over the pie and the habaneros and garlic follow.  But we aren’t quite done yet.

It’s said Lucifer comes as an attractive and friendly character. Slicing one jalapeno, make a smiley face. It’s as if it is saying, “It’s okay. If you don’t like hot foods, you can take off my eyes. Everything will be alright.”

Let’s bake this bitch! The oven is all preheated and I turn the temp from 475 to 425. The average bake time is between 10 to 13 minutes. Maybe different if you are baking this on Mt. Everest. While this bakes, decontaminate everything! The seeds from one habanero can cause the dog to create a family historical event like “The 2011 Ass-plosion Dog/Couch Event”. You need to wash your hands and scrub under the fingernails. Being a spicy food fanatic, there has been many forgetful pee breaks resulting in…milk. I’ll leave it at that.

Those few minutes pass fast and before you know it the house is filled with the aroma of pain. This looks pretty inviting, don’t you think? It’s funny to think this is a vegetarian friendly pie. In my mind, vegetarians always seem so sweet.  This must be angry lefty anarchist type of veggie friendly food.

Well, I wouldn’t recommend this for a just any occasion. It’s Halloween and parties need to have one or two novelty food items. This is fun for bets or to show off who can brave a bite of the hottest pizza around. Or, if you have no soul, this Hate Pizza an be used for revenge. Because revenge doesn’t always have to be a dish best served cold.

Happy Halloween.

EDIT!

Apparently people didn’t hate the “Hate Pizza”. A bunch of crazy assholes, says me!

12

What the What?

I know, right? I didn’t get the memo that Halloween is coming up in just a few short days. Man, these past weeks have been so busy and unfortunately, it hasn’t been for the spooky better. No, it has been a whole lot of work but as a guy in his thirties, what would one expect? So let’s recap what was so great about the season and then I will give you a little peak at what I have been working on for the next two seasons.

If you have not been living in a bomb shelter under the sea then you know the second season of AMC’s The Walking Dead is in full motion and it as intense as ever. I really can’t think of a better zombie epic story (word jumble!) than this one and there are a couple of reasons for that.

  1. The character development. I know that cliché characters can be drawn early in this series but as the story progresses we find out that not all of these people represent the masses. It is survival. The weak step up, the strong fall, the heroes become villains and the kids…well…they die too. It’s a realistic view of humanity.
  2. The story. We all know that the probability of a zombie apocalypse is remote. Okay, impossible, but as a guy it is fun to think about! This particular outcome is as believable as it gets. It is hopeless and as a viewer, we feel the same desperation as the characters because the world is ending and there is no way out.
  3. The Zombies. Holy Hannah! I know special effects are light years ahead of Day of the Dead but these zombies of The Walking Dead are amazing. It is crazy to think of the actors  behind these creatures. The makeup and movement make these things truly terrifying and while they don’t haul ass like the remade Dawn of the Dead, they are just as formidable. For the first time watching a zombie movie, I really felt like these things are unstoppable and will, at the end of the day, win.

The 2011 Fall beer review went okay. I am still not done posting these because I have two videos and a surprise guest to help me delve into my favorite picks so hopefully by Monday, the 31st, I will have all of them up and finished. But I think when you see what I have in store for Thanksgiving and Christmas you might just pass the reviews. Anyway, I failed miserably on a few because they aren’t even available to buy anymore. My fault! That was my fault. We will make it up to you. I swear.

So, what is next for the site and so on? Well, if you care to know I have been hard at work redoing a lot of what I didn’t care for during the Halloween season. This site (Veggiemacabre.TV) will be an interactive media site and will be reviewing quirky X-mas items and places. I have more time for these type of reviews in November and definitely in December. The Halloween train always slows a bit by now so luckily I have been distracted enough with CSS coding and Vince Gauraldi.

So, we have a final few days. I am busy right now working on some Halloween-ish stuff and I will post them up as soon as they are done. Be well and have fun this weekend. Remember to let Mom and Dad check your candy!

3

Savannah Trip: The Good, The Beer, The Ghosts

Savannah, Georgia will always have a special place in my heart. It was forged years ago through countless family beach vacations, a middle school field trip where I discovered that girls where not as gross as I imagined, wild college road trips where I really discovered girls were not as gross as I imagined and finally my time stationed near there in the Army. I call it as much home as I do anywhere else and though I am not a current resident, I jump at the chance to bring anyone who hasn’t been. This past weekend I did just that and we hit a few “haunts”, even making time to get a royal sunburn at the beach. Eat it mid-October!

 

We started off for the five hour trek at around four in the morning so by the time we thought about breakfast we were well past the halfway mark. I am not really sure when this happened but somehow I became my parents and insisted we stop at a Cracker Barrel rather than a McDonald’s. I will admit, there is a certain charm about eating under the same roof that has a one pound Sugar Daddy for sale and more Christmas ornaments than the Whoville. I know this restaurant has had some bad publicity with their idiotic rule of not hiring anyone who is gay, but I will admit, their biscuits do make the Pillsbury Doe Boy look like he should be selling ratchet sets instead.

I get a little excited when I am traveling to some place I want to go to, especially cities of nostalgic meaning. Though I don’t recommend breaking the law by exceeding the speed limit AND trying to take a cellphone picture in reference to Back to the Future, in my defense, I saw a palm tree. We were close and by all logic, going 88mph would get us there sooner. Don’t worry, it didn’t last long. I am 3/4 of the way through Crime and Punishment. I get it.

Well look at that. I got us here safe and sound without rocketing back to 1955. Driving down this street brings back so many memories, I can’t even begin to start with the “no shit, there I was” stories and honestly, I am old enough now to realize no one cares. That’s okay because just looking at the cobble streets, historical markers, memorable bars and vibrant tourists traps I have too many warm memories that I don’t mind replaying them in my own head. But this tease of a drive was short because the girlfriend had other plans than being drunk pirates like I wanted. She opted for an afternoon at the beach. I obliged.

I am saving the Tybee Island part of the trip for another part of the blog. I feel that since this is the Halloween season and I had another purpose to come to Savannah, this should take precedence over summer fun. I came back to visit a few places and boy oh boy, they did not disappoint. Not in the least.

Years ago I wrote about a business trip I took to Savannah and the incredible experience that I had at a particular restaurant. I risked looking like a complete jackass and wrote how I saw a ghost.  A full torso vaporous apparition and over the years it has grown into a well sought after story. After that happened I started to become aware that I am not the minority when it comes to spooky happenings in Savannah and this place is known as the most haunted city in America.

Moon River Brewing Company in all it’s glory. This place has been on every paranormal show imaginable and each one has come through with some very creepy footage. What is equally creepy is how all the stories are so similar. It’s not like there are dozens of independent experiences and conflicting sightings. No, just about every person interviewed had like ghostly encounters in the same locations. And one of those location is in the basement where anyone can go, but no one does.

Getting a spot in this place can be tricky but luckily for us we managed to squeeze into a nice two-top just next to the basement stairs with more than an hour to go on the “happy hour” clock. The beers here are incredible and if we didn’t have places to go and ghouls to meet, I would have just camped eating garlic fries and wit beer. But even in beer heaven, my eyes couldn’t leave the dreaded basement stairs and after a couple drinks of courage, I asked our waitress if going downstairs was allowed. She raised her eyebrows, smirked and said, “sure…if you want to”. I did. It’s why I came. The girlfriend, however, was happy to stay with the fries and beer and who could blame her?

I don’t know if all the stories are true and though the “evidence” of a short shadow creature jetting around this place are bone-chilling, I can see how the quiet and musty basement can prod the imagination. But the one thing that I reflect on now is how busy the restaurant was upstairs and I was the only one who was roaming around the famous basement that made shows like Ghost Hunters and Ghost Adventures so credible and popular. I stayed down here for quiet awhile and took pictures and not a single curious patron decided to come down. Weird.

Another strange thing is when I was taking these photographs I made an effort to take straight photos but so many came out crooked. I know that’s not paranormal but I am a little afraid that I may have a leaning problem.

After enough time passed to piss off a girlfriend, I headed up for more libations and people watching, scouring the pictures for orbs, demons, pirate ghosts, thumbs, and Bigfoot. I got nothin’. Luckily, before we left I was able to talk the girlfriend into a quick tour of the basement because I had a little experiment I needed to conduct.

I know that I can seem a little strange and I am thankful I have someone who puts up with me. I needed to have someone take pictures of me actually in this place. I don’t know, it bugs me that I have thousands of pictures and no proof that I was actually even there. Plus, I needed to show this entity the importance of physical fitness through the power of lunges.

Though this particular lunge is wickedly improper, I think that if there is a…thing in the basement, it got the point. What’s the point, you ask? I don’t know. Ask your mom. (Sorry. You don’t have to ask her.)

But did it work? I don’t know. What do you think?

Well, Moon River Brewing Company was a lovely experience, even if we didn’t “experience” anything. But I will say the atmosphere, people, beer and garlic fries makes this place a step up from any place I would want to be. I just like knowing that wit beer can be consumed while touching the ethereal plain.To the Pirate House!

Remember how I was telling you that Savannah was a dark and creepy place? Yeah, this is similar to a lot of the store fronts and this one in particular happens to be a greeting card and collectible shop. My heart sings knowing the fact that these mannequins are probably stored close to the bathroom and scare unsuspecting grandmothers when they search for a bathroom around April. Had it not been closed, I am sure we would be proud owners of magnolia covered greeting cards. Thank you for your window fronts and also for being closed.

The Pirate House. The last time I was here I witnessed a really strange occurrence that to this day I can not explain. There is no possible way to describe the feeling when I look at this place and going inside it was even more intense. When I left this bar almost six years ago my perception of reality was skewed a bit. Not drastically changed but definitely skewed. I really wanted to get skewed again. In a non-obscene way of course.

We barely made the last call and the bartender looked super annoyed which made me even more annoyed. I didn’t come over here to get the same service as an Applebees in Paducah, Kentucky. I was in an establishment that was older than most states, has tunnels that lead to the Savannah River to shanghai unsuspecting colonials, it is IN the book Treasure Island, famous pirates died here and, most importantly, this is where I saw a ghost. If this bartender wants to be pissy I was in no mood. Much like the guy who puts on the Mickey Mouse suit at Disney World and complains about getting hit in the balls every time a kids hugs him, don’t make the dick-face when we come in at last call. It was 10:30! Don’t be in the service industry of a tourist city and be a jerk. You bag of dicks!

Wow, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah, The Pirate House, established when people lived to be forty and could die from a tooth ache.

I soon got over myself and made it clear that I am glad we were there and the bartender should be performing unicycle tricks on a corner in Pakistan. I observed that the bar changed a little from my last visit and the bar-top was no longer stainless steel but wood and they downgraded the size of their television. Other than that, it was like being right back in 2006. I peered at the corner where I watched some…thing race down phantom stairs and block the TV some years prior. But the mood was different. Too many people. Too many noises. So I excused myself to venture around the now empty restaurant.

You have to admit, even without the countless witnesses of ghostly accounts and the dark history of this place, it does look creepy, eh? I don’t know if it’s the low ceilings or the constant musty breeze but it is impossible to not have a feeling that unless you are carrying dinner rolls and menus, you probably shouldn’t be there. The human brain is a quirky thing but it does let you know that something happened in there. Think I am crazy? You wouldn’t be the first.

Well soon it was time to head out but the cool thing about Savannah (besides the three million other things) is you can get your beers to go. That is right, there is no open container law in this town so we got a couple of Ghost Ales and sat outside for a bit and man, it’s even macabre on the outside!

Well, it was getting late and though walking down River Street drinking Wet Willies’ Mind Erasers and brawling with frat kids sounded fun, I am old and it was time to head back to the room and look through pictures. Those days are long past. Today, I am about craft beer, fine food and folklore. I am an adult. Haven’t you read this blog? (har har har)

34

Up ↑