Category: personal

Surprise Wolf Shirt. We Had A Good Run.

They say bad things happen in threes and I am really counting on that to be a truism. In one day I had to replace the entire rear brake system in the car, destroyed my iPhone and the epic shirt that has come to be known as the “surprise-wolf” shirt is stained beyond wear because I do laundry about as well as this guy can lull a baby to sleep with a lullaby. The brakes and phone are just a fact of life but I can’t get over the loss of this shirt. For five dollars at a Value Village it has brought me fame and fortune. Well, maybe not that but it has complimented my version of style. Let’s take a trip back to 2008.

I had just recently moved to the great white northwest and trying to blend in I figured that corporate attire might not translate so I figured what better way to show the natives that I too was down with style of the time. So I bought a wolf-scape shirt and was eager to grow a beard to complete the transition from suit to mountain man. (minus the Cubs hat)

The joke was kind of on me though because most people in rural North Idaho freaking hate wolves. I mean they will shoot them and leave them on the side of the road. Apparently these majestic (once endangered) creatures like to rove in packs and destroy all in sight. And they just do it for fun too. It’s not uncommon to see a bumper sticker stating their approval of the “kill all wolves bill” that was actually voted on in the state congress.

So it is completely my modus operandi to rock this shirt to a bar where 9 out of 10 people believe that by wearing this wolf shirt I am not only a bleeding heart liberal but also with the Taliban. I felt like I showed up to a breast cancer awareness rally sporting a shirt that says “I’m more of a butt and leg guy”. So the shirt only had a few wears until I moved down from the mountain and to a more progressive city where it was looked at as more of a hipster shirt than my real intension of wanting to be…tough?

There was a particular party that a little hidden gem was found in this infamous shirt. While mingling with the masses as I proudly sported my wolf shirt a girl stopped  and paid a compliment to my “beautiful four wolves on the tummy”. Four wolves?? From what I had known there where just three but before I jumped to conclusions and poured my beer on her head for confusing math with feet I went to the restroom to take a closer look. And I found a…

FUCKIN’ SURPRISE WOLF…IN A TREE!!! This blew my mind. There were so many thoughts running through my mind like why did I never notice this before? How many people have I met while wearing this and told them how proud I was of my three wolves (Alex, Joan and Dale)only to look like quite the fool to leave out the surprize wolf that has since been named Paul? Why did the artist put this wolf up in a tree? Does he/she just like to draw wolf heads? So many questions.

Well, I came out of the bathroom enlightened and proceeded to show off the surprise wolf to anyone who would listen. It may have been similar to a two-year old carrying around his potty to a dinner party gathering showing what he did. Regardless, that night changed the scope of that shirt and I walked a little taller knowing I had a shirt with a wolf in a tree. Or standing behind a tree trunk. No matter.

Today I look at the stained shirt and after writing this odd obituary I am not yet ready to let it go. No, I think there is a time and a place where I can get away with this shirt that has survived my time in Idaho and reminds me all the time of the most beautiful people who are still in my life. Strange how such silly things bring back the best memories. So when I wear this and people comment on its less-than-white appearance I will ask them who the press secretary is. FACE!

But I will admit there was a grown man who cried in his shirt when he thought he ruined it.

8

What’s Been Going On?

Alright, the holidays are over. Christmas did what it does every year and that is sneak up behind me, steal my wallet, put 1500 miles on my car, gets me out of shape, pissy and then before I know it I am back in my office wondering why I got so excited about it to begin with. And next year, the same will probably happen. But 2011 didn’t go quietly into the night. Let me catch you up.

What you are looking at above is me, hard at work supplying all facilities with the latest and greatest medical technologies. I have been hard at work in this position for a while and so far, love it. I know you can’t tell by my expression but being an account exec does have its rewards. Let me explain.

Trying to help older people understand the web or applications is a lot like explaining the steps how to DVR Happy Days to your cat when you are out-of-town; it takes a long time and when you come home you can be certain that the Fonz will not be in your future. Older Doctors know a lot about the world of medicine but the when it comes to web applications they make a face much like I do when someone asks me if I know what a Kardashian is. “I don’t understand the question and I refuse to answer it.”- Lucile Bluth

People come and people go in life. I have learned through extinct relationships that going separate ways doesn’t require screaming and lamp throwing. It’s important to know what you want, understand that not everyone is perfect, appreciate the ones who enter your life and appreciate the ones who left even more. So, for now, being a single guy who works sixty hours a week fits well. Like my late great-grandmother said to me when we visited years ago, “…if you are a monkey, be a monkey. Let the zebras have their stripes. Just be a good monkey.” I remember that as though it was yesterday. And after that advice my grandmother took me to Burger King. What a great day.

I’ve finally planted here. While I look for a nice house to finally buy, I will be hanging my hat here and hosting a lot of VeggieMacabre.TV at that bar…thing…it. With about five thousand invested into Ikea and some art from Final Girl, this place will do just fine. I will also get to use my green screen and host the show from space or Newark!

Looks like Alton Brown and I have buried the hatchet. By finding a common bond with flying I soon forgot the present he signed for me a few years ago. In case you don’t know I received a signed copy of his first book. I was ecstatic until I read his message.

Okay, that was a pretty good one. Girl:1 Will:0

I went up north again for Christmas and every year I say it’s the last time but then November comes and I find myself committing to the madness. But, it’s family and sacrificing some time to remind yourself why you live so far away is good for the soul. Also, I get more quality time with Uncle Mark. He is an amazing dude. Although, he drives like a fuckin’ nutcase! Also, he is best friends with the Indian couple that run a Dunkin Donuts. It’s a weird match but at least we had a place to dump the discarded wrapping paper that night!

Well, that’s a quick catch up and I did so in less than 750 words! I thought for sure I would ramble for 3,000. Lucky for you.

I will leave you with a picture from 1983 at my grandmother’s when I was much smaller, Dad’s mustache was much bigger and the world was a lot more fun. I was downloading this picture to Photobucket and the lady behind me asked if this could get any cuter.

Better?

20

Candy Cane Culture Clash

This is a topic I have been meaning to write about for years but for some reason or another, I find myself in February before I can. So today, while it is still relevant, I want to write about candy canes. And not the ones we grew up with…

…but the candy canes that truly are candy. I believe Lifesaver candy was the first shot over the bow of Christmas to tell peppermint to get bent. But this bold and progressive move against holly-jolly opened the flood gates and soon other candy makers began to take their goodies, shape them into canes, package them in boxes and ship them to the stores for a 200% profit. How they didn’t jump on this back in the 1950’s when most teenagers still believed in Santa and a desk could stop a nuclear blast, I don’t know. But they are here now, and for twenty bucks I’m going to review them.

As you can see, I have made an Imperial Star Destroyer out of the boxes of candy canes that are about to be reviewed. I will admit, the color spectrum is quite festive and it almost seems a shame to take them out of the box and chew them up. But this site isn’t a photography sight (no shit) and I am less of a guy to stop and gaze at beauty so let’s bust them out.

So I have or tried to remove all the candy canes from the boxes. The Sour Patch Kids did not fare too well but as a guy in his thirties I no longer feel the need to suck my candy cane into a shanking weapon so broken or not, they eat the same to me. You will also notice that these have been labeled and displayed to easy choosing. I did, however, forget to segregate them by flavor. Aw fuck. Oh well, I’ll be surprised.

First! Okay, here we have Jolly Rancher Candy Canes and these appear to be the “Smoothie” edition. Interesting. They come in three flavors being strawberry, mixed berry and watermelon. I am only trying a couple flavors in this review because in all honesty, I have no sweet-tooth. If given the choice between a candy cane and a dry two-day-old triscuit that may or may not have been on the kitchen floor, I would most likely choose the latter. But what the hay, it’s Christmas and if you have been reading this site for any length of time then you know my reviews hold zero weight.

For all those who think that I am eating every variety in whole, this is a no. I have wrestled these out of their insanely tight wrapping and broken a tip off because…why do you think? Exactly. This particular candy cane is most definitely watermelon. If you can’t tell watermelon in taste, you have something seriously wrong with all six senses. I can most definitely taste the Jolly Rancher though the “smoothie” part is a miss on me. It is just sweeter and less sour than a normal watermelon Jolly Rancher is. (8 out of 10 Tim Allen fat suits)

Starburst Candy Canes. I have a bone to pick with these. Green Apple is not a flavor in the original Starburst line. Out of all the winning flavors in the lineup, why did they choose a nonexistent flavor? It confuses me much the same as why the Peanut gang are in different costumes for all recent Charlie Brown Halloween merchandise. It’s a stretch by comparison but the nerve is the same. So I’m not going to try the green apple. I am going with the strawberry flavor because I need to see if these candy canes are indeed the same as the glorious taffy originals. And holy shit they do!!! I am more of a cherry and orange Starburst fan but I will never leave a pink one for last. This is a pleasant surprise. I can’t vouch for the green apple because, what would I compare it to? (8 out of 10 Moose Mugs)

Gobstoppers have always been a mystery to me. I think it’s the name. According to the source of all things true, Wikipidia, the term “gob” means “mouth” in the United Kingdom. (Guise, is this true?) Therefore, a gobstopper must mean to stop one’s mouth. And…I learned something today. Anyway, Gobstoppers were never my first choice as a kid but I did fill a paintball gun with some and had minor success at making a kid cry about twenty years ago.

Oh, the candy canes you asked? Meh. I chose the white one just out of curiosity.

Call me gross if you must, but doesn’t this remind you of a baby tooth just recently lost? It’s the only thing I can think of once I cracked this piece off. Perhaps it’s strange irony but this should be a foretelling of tooth decay to come. The taste? It’s fruit punch. Most definitely fruit punch. (7 out of 10 Narwhals)

These are the ones I have been dying to review. Sour Patch Kids have been the candy of choice every time I go to the movies and a box of these can certainly burn all taste away for a solid week. I also like to share them with friends and press that little spot between the jaw and the bottom of the earlobe. Try it next time your eating these. You’ll hate it.

I tried to make sure that all the boxes of candy canes were purchased without damage but I believe these floppy cocks were shoved in the box the same way Lenny pets a mouse. But like I said, I am not here for looks. It’s the similarity to the original that I am here to review.

They are sour, there’s no argument with that but as for the similarity? Not really. They are Lifesaver candy canes dipped in Sour Patch Kid sour…sugar…stuff. It’s exactly what I expected so therefor I will only give it an average grade. (7 out of 10 Figgy Puddings)

Spree! I love the name. Spree candy canes promise to have a “flavor kick” on the inside much like the original candy that tastes like Advil on the outside and a powdery sour mix on the inside. Between the 500% of daily sugar intake and the fact these are hard candies, it makes Spree a dental nightmare. To combat this Willy Wonka adds that thse are fat free candies. So we have that going for us!

These are pretty good. I am not going to lie that of all the candy canes, these have come out close to the top only because they are not absurdly sweet and sour. I’m an ordinary average guy so there for these will get an above average average grade. (9 out of 10 Bumpus Hounds)

Well it’s nice to see someone hasn’t forgotten the mint in a candy cane! I love these! As an addict of coffee and tea, I have the need to brush my teeth five times a day. What? I don’t know why I needed to say that. Oh yeah! This has a great coffee-like taste to it and sure enough, it’s a spectacular stir stick! Hershey does a great job with the “less is more” angle and if you like mint in your stick and enjoy chocolate too, this candy cane is for you. Damn, I need to write jingles.             (10 out of 10 ill-digested potato or beef resulting in a hallucination of the ghost of Jacob Marley) 

Last but not least we have come to Sweetart Candy Canes and the ones that look most similar in color scheme to the intro to Saved By The Bell. Like most other assorted candy canes, these come in a variety of flavors being cherry, green apple and blue punch. I choose you, Blue! Pika! Pika!

These are just like what I had imagined. What a shocker. They are mildly sour and that stays through duration of eating. I like them but in all honesty, a 13 year old’s pallet is what these things were designed for. Without a lot of fanfare I will end this review on an average grade. (8 out of 10 shoeless John McLanes)

So there you have it! These aren’t your traditional peppermint candy canes and some don’t quite taste like their original form but I like the spirit of them. This is the time of year to get a cavity or two, gain a couple of pounds or even suck a cane to a sharp point and stab those terrible inflatable lawn ornaments across the street that you’ve been staring at for the past month. These are all good things so be good for goodness sakes…somebody’s comin’! Somebody’s comin’! Wait, that was from Ghostbusters.

Sorry for the lack of Christmas posts. I am getting a better laptop because this one sounds like the truck/generator that Arnold filled with explosives, lifted off it’s stand and pushed into an enemy tent in the movie, Predator.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!

30

Target Is Off-Target…Fruit Snacks.Halloween. Dinosaurs.

Did you know there was a time when I took life too seriously? Really!  I had dreams and aspirations that took a very dedicated approach, completely devoid of a sense of humor or time to stop and smell the roses. Then I found the world of blogging and I was able to have an alter-ego of epic proportions. Here I can write about stupid movies and express how I imagine that chocolate versus vanilla are the cosmic center to all things worth fighting for. It’s an outlet that brings like-minded people closer to me and confuse those who are already in my life. Now that I have justified my hobby it is time to delve into another bizarre topic; Target and it’s Halloween magic carpet ride. Also…Halloween fruit snacks.

I am fascinated by marketing and advertising. Mainly the question of why consumers, for lack of a better word, consume. In an economy that is about as reliable as my great-aunt Rose in an American Gladiator competition, people still will pay hard-earned money on plastic skulls and rubber bats. And that is why I love this country. More over, the companies that provide such retail like Target.

In years past, Target has really been the place to go if you want to host a Halloween party that will make your neighbors like you more and piss off the guy on the block that stuffs flannel shirts and pants with hay, top it with a Freddy Krueger mask and say he has the best decorated house. Yeah, Target will give you the ammunition to make that guy invest in Christmas lights because Halloween is your time to shine. But like any heavy-hitter of a season, you can expect the luster to dim as years go by. I think this year Target didn’t go for the touchdown but rather went for the field goal. Here is a look at the Target here in North Carolina.

Okay, the reason for the bird is that I think I caught an underwear shot by accident. And before you accuse me of being a pervert taking cellphone pictures, I do know her. Trust me, it’s much weirder the fact that I am taking pictures of an aisle in Target. Anyway, here is the Target Halloween decor of 2011. Meh. I don’t know why, but it just feels kind of plain. Perhaps I expect too much?

I can’t really tell if everything is out yet or there is more to come but seeing how it is already mid-September I venture to think that all things Halloween should be displayed. I mean other stores stock Halloween items in July so I hope they are on the ball. Regardless, this is what we gots!

The lawn ornaments is where it’s at with me. I think it is a neighborly finger in the eye to all those who don’t celebrate the seasons and a great way to fire a shot across the bow to the bald jack-hole who puts silhouetted signs of a dog pooping with the word “NO” on his lawn. Target will give me the ability to drop his home equity for less than $50.

The diner decor is lost on me but the girlfriend likes it so I feel it is only fair to talk about it. I must admit I would love to drink my coffee from a ghost mug and though the jack-o-lantern place mats seem impractical for the purpose of protecting the table, I would still eat spaghetti off its face. It’s the little things, you know?

I don’t really understand the theme that Target has decided to go with this year. In seasons past we have had characters like three kids in their alter ego Halloween character representation (witch, ghost and devil) and the famous kitten-killer Domo. But this year seems a bit…plain-Jane. Kind of like the whole set up. It’s really hard to tell only visiting one Target of, I don’t know… ten thousand, but I am remiss if I think that each one has the ability to project the seasonal spirit of every single general manager. If that was the case, of all the Target gm’s in the world, this particular gm would be the Charlie Brownest.

Last year and I believe the year before that, DOTS candy had a wider variety of Halloween flavors to include Ghost DOTS, Candy Corn DOTS and (my favorite) Blood Orange DOTS. This year, I am sad to say, we are only able to buy Ghost DOTS which are just regular DOTS minus the food coloring. So really, the Tootsie Roll company is saving money. And we can all be happy for that. I take that back, eat it DOTS! I want Blood Orange Bat Black back!

Just like Target is known for, there is always something for everyone. My girlfriend, Groucho, has a very nostalgic connection with eyeball chocolate candy and I get that. Half of everything in this blog is a look back to events and items I hold dear. I just love that of all this Halloween retail and candy she gets taken with the oldie and goodie. *sigh*

I, myself, was taken with 30 dinosaurs for $4.00. I am not really sure what they have to do with Halloween but I do know that I love them. I guess it’s just the packaging, “30 Dinosaurs”. That is so simple yet so resounding to me. It makes me want to start an alternative instrument band and call it 30 Dinosaurs. Maybe 34 Dinosaurs. Because 31, 32 and 33 are just silly. And this is a serious blog!

One thing we both could agree on is this; a cup cake stand. I really don’t know anyone who can justify owning a cupcake stand for $4.99 or really a dozen cupcake stands because we all know cupcakes aren’t made solo, but it warms my heart to know these exist. I don’t think I would go with a bug though but rather a lunar module.

Okay, we have taken a quick trip through the Halloween aisle at Target and while it wasn’t a home run it did have a few gimmicky items that spoke volumes for the season of the witch but what about the candy? I am in my thirties and while I appreciate that this is a holiday for tooth decay, I have no real sweet tooth. Besides, what am I going to say about Snickers or Twizzlers that hasn’t been said a billion times before? No, I think the fact Blood Orange Ghost DOTS are discontinued is enough for me to boohoo the candy topic. I will, however, review something close to candy and arguably the same. Halloween theme fruit snacks!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I feel justified to review fruit snacks over candy because it is closer to my heart. See, I happened to be the exact age Betty Crocker and Nabisco targeted in the 1980’s when Fun Fruits and Fruit Rollups hit the grocery shelves. They were my heroine. My crack. I was one time caught rubbing the plastic back sheet of a Fruit Rollup on my face behind the school playground. I’m better today. In fact I have learned to control my urges to mash six pouches of Garfield fruit snacks together to form one mega fruit snack and huff the empties because of two…er…three reasons. Here they are:

  1. They don’t make Garfield food products. Well, not in this country.
  2. I have found beer.
  3. I’m an adult.

I may have kicked my addiction but retro-love knows no bounds and I am here to review three different fruit snacks that align with Halloween and are available at fine Target markets near you. Unless you are Canadian or British. Then I am sorry and this whole article is a bit of a waste to you.

I’m going to go ahead and start with the Target brand first, aka, Market Pantry. From the box you really can’t discern these from ordinary fruit snacks other than the name “Halloween fruit snacks” and the picture of spooky shapes. (I use the term spooky as loosely as possible) I expect to find similar packaging for holiday-themed snacks in the former Soviet Union. But what is lacking in packaging creativity is made up for in shapes and taste. The flavors are grape, strawberry, peach, orange and raspberry but the thing that concerns me is that there is clearly a green fruit snack. What of these flavors constitute green? I am going out on a limb and saying raspberry because you could have any color and it could pass for raspberry. It pisses me off almost as much as the silent “p” in raspberry. More on that hatred later.

So, these are pretty good and I can say that with confidence now that I’m on my twenty-ninth pack. They are the same cheap alternative fruit snacks that Brach’s came out with to challenge Fun Fruits. Didn’t work though because they felt and tasted like gummy bears and didn’t stick to the teeth for weeks. I’ll wait to give the grades at the end.

Taking it a step up on the Halloween-theme we have Florida’s Own Au’some Nuggets. Sorry Rev.13 for the term “nugget”. I was pretty excited to see how they crammed 80 pouches into a box that size and had an “ah-ha” moment when I saw that they were the size of mouse heads. I had an even bigger “ah-ha” moment when I saw that the fruit snacks were the size of mouse shit.

I don’t know what I was expecting when I read “nugget” but I was certainly confused how they boasted being a fruit snack. These were Chicklets that you ingest. My girlfriend did the math breakdown since she is an engineer and she figured that in order to equate the same amount in grams as the other fruit snack boxes, you would have to spend twenty dollars to the five dollars that the other boxes cost. I don’t know. This isn’t a financial blog, it’s a blog about idiotic crap and this box of fruit snacks is the poster child. I will say that if you eat them as they are intended they are not half bad. The four flavors are grape, orange, apple and strawberry and they taste shockingly good! Too back you have to eat thirty to achieve that.

Ah, the one that I saved for last. Betty Crocker, you pulchritudinous vixen of snack time. I love you in a way no man should ever love a box.(please don’t read into that) This artwork maybe the result of a community college online graphic design course but this…this is my Mona Lisa. It hits the season like it should be hit; hard and with no regret. This is the way I buy my fruit snacks and will choose to do so far into my diaper years. Nothing can go wrong with these. Nothing.

Hmm. That is funny. Why do they look so fuzzy? This texture isn’t like any Betty Crocker fruit snack I have seen before? Could it…could it be?* Gasp!* They are mother fing gluten-free!!!! Whaaaa? The binding product that molds the perfectly pro-cavity snack has been left out leaving this sweet…nutrasweet-tasting morsel of foul. I feel like I am eating dried dates and papaya! If I wanted to eat fruit I wouldn’t be eating fruit snacks!!!! JUDAS!

I feel like Gage at the end of Pet Semetary after he has been injected with the poison. No fair. No fair.

Well, I have to grade these and seeing how giving them an ABCDF standard grade doesn’t really match up to fruit snacks I will make up my own system. See if you can understand the coinciding grades.

Market Pantry (Target brand) Halloween fruit snacks:

  • Creative box design- waffle-soled running shoe in dog shit
  • Fruit Snack shapes- band new tennis ball smell
  • Taste- Cheez-Its and a Coke

Florida’s Natural Au’some Nuggets:

  • Creative box design- Inside the car during an automatic car wash with your favorite CD
  • Fruit Snack shapes- A gallon glass jar of picks dropped on the foot on a 30 degree morning
  • Taste- Daisies

Betty Crocker’s Halloween Fruit Snacks:

  • Creative box design- Beer and everything feels like rabbit fur
  • Fruit Snack shapes- An October Saturday night in a corn maze. With beer.
  • Taste- A shart in yoga class.

So I have needlessly rambled off a holiday post that is now…2061 words?!?! Man, I am sorry for that. But thanks for coming to Target with me and spinning around the world of Fruit Snacks! That was fun!

OH! Before I forget, while the sign may say Halloween, they really want you to start thinking about Christmas. REE! REE! REE! REE! (Sounds from Psycho)


30

The Checkout Conveyor Belt

I really think I need to take a time out and readjust my attitude as of late. Work has been as stressful as ever and I find myself in limbo with most of life. I know everything will workout but it is a matter of finding the path of least resistance and avoiding the garden rakes that litter the yard. Last night, however, I almost had an episode in the grocery store. (Warning….there will be f-bombs and such. For those of you who know me for my gentle side, I am sorry. Eye-muffs.)

The shopping cart dismount: I love it when someone leaves their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle to go “on foot” to shop. Are beans an illusive product that will slip away when one is being marred down by a cart? Very rarely do I push a cart in the grocery store but rather carry a basket because, well, I am a guy so there for I am incapable of writing a list for mass shopping or can last more than thirty minutes in any store. But I think next time I will just leave my basket in the middle of the aisle and ponder for ten minutes what salsa looks better.

The Meat Guy: I don’t know if the guy behind the meat counter is a butcher or not, but no matter what I am buying he always asks me how I am going to cook something. Now, I am not a jerk in nature. I hate people who are cantankerous for no reason because I know a few. But when I am buying ground beef, trust me pal, I aint boiling or nuking it. This is petty but when you are not into small talk, small-talkers become worse than close-talkers.

The Human Element: You know you do this. I work really hard in life not to judge people but sometimes you are what you eat and there have been many times when I have peered into another person’s shopping cart to see what he or she fuels with. I know I am not the only one because I was looking for sharp cheddar when I heard a woman next to me comment on the fact I had organic apples.

“You know they are all the same, right?” she preached. What does one say to this? Should I get into a debate about apples? Should I serve her with a lunge competition? I really didn’t know where to go with that so I asked her where the organic cheeses were.

There are certain rules I follow in the grocery store: 1. Don’t preach to others about their eating habits. 2.Don’t make eye contact with women in the feminine hygiene aisle. 3.Spend less than 30 seconds in the cookie, cracker and chip aisle.  4. Check the eggs.  Oh! And 5. Don’t compliment someone’s hairnet unless you mean it.

Check-Out: Maybe it’s just me but I always feel in a rush at checkout and it’s usually because “Check-out Mary” is leaning on the conveyor belt button forcing everything into a disorganized mess that has me frazzled and panicking to get my separator bar between me and the next person so I don’t get home to find that I purchased a pregnancy test that was intended for the girl infront of me. And I think “Checkout Mary knows this too because she keeps that conveyor belt on a steady roll until I finally give up as if to say, “fine…have my canned soup and yogurt. Hope they go in the same bag.”

Did you find everything okay?: Man, you gotta love that question! If I had not, and was incapable of asking when I was in the process of shopping, it’s a safe assumption that defeat was already declared. And only a true asshole would say no and make everyone wait while they retrieved that particular item that was so illusive to begin with. Next time I am asked this I think I will retort with, “No Checkout Mary, where are the fucking vegetables, meat and milk? I’ve been here for an hour but all I seemed to have found was cat litter and soap. Oh, I have coupons and will be writing a check.”

Do you need help carrying this to your car?: I came here with only a basket. That equates to only four bags at most. So yes.

I know this isn’t “Checkout Mary’s” fault because I am sure corporate Safeway makes it mandatory that she ask but I equate this to the same retarded ideas as “no child left behind” and “zero tolerance” policies. Removing human thought and the ability to judge for one’s self eliminates the need for the brain. It’s as simple as that. Please America, entrust that a checkout  girl can think for herself. Unless that is not their policy and “Checkout Mary” thinks I am a douche. Hmmm.

So, I want to thank you for letting me get this off my chest. We all get screws loose and sometimes screws fall out. It’s an imperfect world. I am back to normal now because writing is therapeutic to me. Be well and please, be excellent to each other. Especially your meat guy and “Checkout Mary”.

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