Category: Life

World Market and Voodoo. Who Do? You Do!

Whenever I am low on necessary things to do or I am aimlessly driving past, I have to go to World Market. I don’t know if you have one where you are but most major malls will have a World Market close by at a neighboring shopping center. (look for Babies R Us or some type of like store) It’s a store that has absolutely nothing essential to survival but you will swear the opposite when you step in. Covering the globe in merchandise, you can drink Japanese soda while sitting on a Nepalese sofa. I…I spend an inordinate amount of money every time I go there so I have cut back to once every other month unless I have to have Q-cumber soda. There is an actual internal meter inside me and if my “Q-soda meter” gets too low I answer all questions with fart noises. My blessing-my curse.

This is a quick snapshot from the back corner of the store. I chose this angle because every time I tried to take one, some damn kid would run around the corner and I have a fear of someone mistaking me for being a child-perv. Now-a-day, that’s a legit concern. So, I opted for this shot because beer and wine is boring to a prick eleven year old.

This kind of proves my point of how random this inventory is at World Market. I can think of no other store that carries a musical tie. Or would want to. I am also confused by boasting “The Original” at the top of the box. This was a common thing? There was a market with competitors and impostors of the musical tie? I need to know more and it’s going to be a restless night if I don’t.

To further prove my point of the randomness in this international super store, just look at my damn basket! If there was a coming apocalypse and I showed up to the bomb shelter with this mess, I would be the first to be eaten. But no one can say no to a mega Tootsie Roll. Even if they are on fire.

If you have the means and there is a World Market within a decent drive, I highly recommend you stop by. It’s hard to leave empty-handed with an entire aisle dedicated to wacky beers and rubber chickens. I make none of this up.

Watch the beer review from one of my finds that was a cool $13.oo but who cares? It’s maple and bacon flavored from a very famous Portland donut shop. I haven’t been able to drink beer in some time because I am training for another stupid race but this one calls for a special exception. It’s pink. Also, you get to see the beginning of my rad office and VeggiemacabeTV studio.   woot

I can not believe I have been doing these vlogs for four years and they keep getting worse.

Keep a heads up for the next post and video of other people besides me!!! That’ll be good.

2

You Need To Stop Finding Me Like This

Over the many years I have writing here at Veggiemacabre, it always amazes me in this wide wide world of the web how people come to find me. Sometimes it’s on purpose, sometimes it’s a random Google search looking to see what Aaron Dozier is up to. Most of the time it’s a photo search that just happens to link to my small restate in cyber space. But every so often there is the bizarre person who finds me in their perverse and twisted internet search. I am creeped out but in some small way, I appreciate them. Just randomly poking around the site stats, here are a couple from yesterday.

A long time ago I did a little workout to an old VHS workout tape of the former Good Morning America host, Joan Lunden. As a young blogger this was an opportunity that I couldn’t miss and at that time I had the time. Fast forward years later, I am still a source for people’s random searches looking for Joan Lunden. I will say this is the first time I have been a hopeful site that exposes Joan Lunden’s funbags.

I did a Google search for “Joan Lunden boobs” and wouldn’t you know it?

I was on the first page! Why am I proud of that? Granted, there were a few that had the word “breast” in some sort of Joan Lunden recipe site but if you want to talk about Joan Lunden’s hose-hounds, I’m your guy! Actually, I don’t think I ever mentioned her boobs in that post. But don’t tell the weirdos that. I need the site hits. I’m a sneeze away from a half-million.

I also like the “Oldest Female Celebrity That You’d Knock The Bottom Out Of”. *cough cough cough*

Okay, let’s see what other strange people are out there from this past week.

What the crap? Is this real or a dream? Are people meaning to make eye contact with their pets while they are shitting on the lawn? I can’t tell if I am more disturbed by the intentional search for “eyes of a dog trying to poop” or the fact that it led to me.

 

So, just like before I had to search for this just to see how far into the “search” I am and why. Dog poop? Fine. Dog’s eyes? Fine. Dog’s eyes while pooping? Nope.

Well, I couldn’t find an exact avenue leading me home from this search. Mainly worried owners who watch their dog shit. I had a dog years ago and I have no memory of watching him trot around the back yard looking for the perfect place to shit. I did, however, have an awkward moment when my cat was pooping and wouldn’t stop meowing. I just turned the TV up louder.

I am so sorry for this post. Perhaps I am tired from building this dang office or just the work week. Regardless, there are about five good ones on the way. But until then, deal with old boobs and dog poop. You’re welcome.

 

2

A Quick Catch-Up

Hey! How ya been? It’s been a while since I have written one of these and even though this is a short little blurb about what is going on, BIG THINGS ARE HAPPENING ON THE HORIZON! So with that being said, guess what I have been up to? 

Well, in short, I turned 35 and am having a tough time coping with that fact. People my age have teenagers, can die of a heart attack and it not be too abnormal, grocery shopping is an event that involves a lot of label reading, and the music is too loud. But what are you going to do? Someday we are going to die. You, are going to die. “TURKEY TITS!”

Most unfortunate
Most unfortunate

But that’s not why I am writing this post. This post is about my new office that will be the greatest hub of all blogging and VeggieMacabreTV shows! I bought a desk with 157 pages of instructions and hopefully the end result will be something I can put a cup of coffee on and without it sliding off.

As you can see this is a task. The projected launch should be sometime this week (depending how work goes) and I haven’t been this excited about something since…I don’t know. Is that sad? I have about six articles on hold until like videos can be shot from this platform. It’ll make sense later this month. Until then, I have a V1 screw that needs to be put into board P.

Oh, and did I tell you I got a gig as a part-time model for Joseph A. Bank and Men’s Warehouse? Yeah, that happened too. It’s a long story that will be told in a very short bit.

 

0

Just A Pause

Before I continue with the awesome Christmas Countdown and everything silly and light hearted, I need to take a pause. A pause to express something. Anything. Yesterday was a day that can not be fathomed by even the most depraved. A day that left us all not asking why did this happen but why did God let this happen. We are all too familiar with the crazed individual or evil agenda of an ideology that preys on the helpless while the brave and strong can only react after the horror has happened. We turn on the television and feel sick when the aerial helicopter streams video of “breaking news” as we watch the roof and parking lot of a school, police entering as lines of kids with their arms up exit. It’s a society that can say, “it looks like another school shooting”. Yesterday was no different but yet it was.

At 9:30 on a chilly and clear Friday morning in a Connecticut elementary school, a heavily armed gunman entered the building as morning announcements were being read. He proceeded to shoot the principal and vice principal, school nurse and administrator with the announcement intercom still on. Then he proceeded to a kindergarten class where he massacred twenty children including the teacher before killing himself. That is what happened. That is what happened and there is nothing we can do about it.

I watched this story unfold from the very beginning when it seemed the lack of urgency with the ambulances and use of the triage tent naively symbolized the worst is over. Later on we learned that the horror had already happened and what those police and fireman walked into…I can’t. I can’t because my brain isn’t wired that way to process such true horror. As I type this some twenty hours after the massacre the little bodies are still in there as every bullet casing is found and little shoe is counted.

So, I would pray but in my tiny world this crosses the line. When the most innocent are butchered and we have to watch the parents rush to a school, who just hours before kissed their little ones awake and saw them off with backpacks too big on their tiny frames, bed-headed and excited for Christmas, they had to learn their babies were lost at the hand of pure evil. I can’t pray right now. But I can demand a change.

Screen Shot 2012-12-15 at 8.33.45 AM

See that? I carried that rifle for six years in the Army and it is designed for one purpose: killing. The bullet is a 5.56mm and travels at approximately 841 meters per second. When it penetrates a human body is tumbles and ricochet, shattering bones and turning organs to mush. It’s an evil weapon but an effective one when you want to win in a COMBAT environment. This was the weapon the gunman used against those children…babies.

Screen Shot 2012-12-15 at 8.39.45 AM

I don’t know why I feel the need to write this. I guess the juxtapose between the M-4 rifle and a kindergarten class makes it clear in my simplistic mind. Things have to change.

Now I sit here at 7:30am on a Saturday in a Starbucks, watching a mother and her two little kids go over a Christmas list for dad before they head out to for a day of holiday fun. It makes me smile but all I can think about is the presents under the parent’s tree for the little babies who were massacred, never to be opened. It’s too much sometimes.

1

Candy Cane Culture Clash: Part 2

You may remember last year’s rundown I did featuring unorthodox candy canes of the season. Oh you don’t? Well here is the link and just to recap, I tested each flavor and compared them to the original candy (i.e. did the Starbursts candy canes taste like Starburst candy yadda yadda yadda) It was a bit of a stretch and there was absolutely no scientific method followed so in reality nothing was accomplished, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to write 3,000 words about candy and tie it into a Christmas theme. That’s what I did then, and this is what I am going to do now. May I present to you the…

I am in my mid-thirties. I just stacked seven boxes of candy canes on my coffee table and photographed them. This is something that I am neither proud of nor happy to admit but for the sake of this blog, I have done far worse.

It looks like we have a few new selections from prominent candy companies to chat about. It’s hard to know where to start so it looks like I am going to put them in a circle and spin a bottle. Just as my luck foretells, this will surely allow me to review the worst one first. That has always been my “spin the bottle” luck, but really, it doesn’t matter if the worst is first because I am not much of a candy fan and until they start making Christmas Triscuits, I am stuck with candy canes.

Oh! One more tid-bit. This year I will actually be comparing the canes to the like candies in REAL TIME!! I know that means dick in the blogging format but it’s fun for me so BACK OFF! That’s enough caps for now.

I knew it. This would be the first one because it was the one I was least excited about. Smarties never blow my skirt up and above all it’s a Halloween candy so turning them into a Christmas decor was like carving a Holly Jolly Jack-o-lantern. Zed’s dead, man. Zed’s dead.

To show how little I do care for Smarties I proved this by buying a package of Sweetarts on accident. I never even considered these two to be different. crucify me if you must but it’s just not my bag. So as my penance I was forced to leave my house and be the only jackhole to buy a bag of Smarties after Halloween for $3.20. I bought the Sweetarts ala cart for .07. That’s a difference of 821%!!! Math is also phonetically pronounced “frroopt”, too.

Oh yeah, when I ran to the grocery store to get the right candy it was around 11:00 at night and I really didn’t feel like having any human interaction with the checkout clerk. I was buying a bag of Smarties and no explaining was to be done. So, I opted for the self-checkout.

Fuck.

So here is the point. These candy canes taste nothing like Sweet Tarts but exactly like Smarties. I know what you are thinking, “no shit” but this has a bigger implication on me. I found out that Sweet Tarts are okay and Smarties are dull PEZ so that makes these candy canes pointless though they really do taste exactly alike. 5 out of 10 turkey fryer fires

The jelly bean has always been an Easter candy until that fateful day when Jelly Belly came into existence forcing all of us to eat jelly beans 450 days a year. Then the Jelly Belly Company invaded Christmas and I am sure I will be eating these while celebrating independence. Thanks Jelly Belly for taking my calendar and turning it into a pee-pad.

This package has three major flavors of Jelly Belly beans and they are Very Cherry, Juicy Pear and Sizzling Cinnamon. I say they are major flavors because in any given assortment bag of Jelly Bellies these are the ones you are most likely to get. Unfortunately there aren’t a true array of Jelly Belly flavors in cane-form because the people at Jelly Belly Company are so amazing at mimicking flavors, they could have had awesome novelty flavored candy canes like Jones Soda of yesteryear with turkey flavors or green bean casserole. If that were true this would be a love article about Jelly Belly disgusting candy canes and how I use them as a pretend microphone, singing to strangers in a Party City about how much I love Christmas.

The taste in comparison to the original candy is identical. I knew it would be. The only questionable one is the Juicy Pear because in a blind taste test, Green Apple can be a sneaky prick and fool you into thinking it’s pear. Get out of here, Green Apple! You had your day! 8 out of 10 Griswold Christmas Tree Squirrels.

Now & Later candy is exactly what gives a dentist night sweats. It only recently hit me that the name Now & Later really has a true meaning because they are so tough on the teeth that you eat these things now and will be eating the same piece much much later. This is public enemy number one to all crowns.

It’s kind of funny to see the candy’s package boasting they are now softer.

The canes were actually a bit more tart and that is a welcome surprise since Now & Later is kind of nondescript candy other than the texture that can both shatter and bind your lower and upper jaw together. It’s some sort of sorcery. This package has a few varieties like grape, watermelon, apple and strawberry. I tested the strawberry because it was the first one out of the package. These were actually pretty good and it managed to retain that “this has a shelf life of ten million years” aftertaste which makes Now & Laters what they are: plastic. 7 out of 10 seasick crocodiles

Dum-Dums! This is one of my favorite insults. Much like Smarties, I always consider this a Halloween novelty but lately my career has me traveling to many different offices and I have noticed in the waiting rooms, Dum-Dum suckers have replaced the ever-present strawberry candy. Why do I even take notice of such things??? Oh yeah, this is my blog full of such nonsense.

Jumping right to the chase, Dum-Dum suckers have dropped the sick and became one with the Christmas season. This package has a few of the same flavors every other candy has including the ever-present blue raspberry. I am not a fan of blue raspberry. I decided to stick with cherry again and wouldn’t you know it, no real taste difference so the novelty is more than just a feeble attempt to cash in on Christmas. But really, I think by this time in the review my sugar high is to a point of delirium. 5 out of 10 massive christmas light cord tangle balls

Okay, I need a break before the inevitable sugar crash. It’s happening now.

Looks like Brachs is even dipping into the Valentine’s Day stash and giving us Red Hots candy canes. I will be honest, at first glance I wasn’t thrilled about reviewing these because when it comes to cinnamon, it’s just cinnamon. Really hard to put a fun twist on that though fifty-four billion have tried. Then I thought, “I remember this candy to be an ever-lasting atomic death ball that would scorch my pre-teen mouth. Sounds fun!”

So I bought them. Then my head came out of my butt when I realized that these candy canes aren’t Atomic Fire Ball candy but the puss Red Hots that littered the bottom of a shoebox/valentine holder. I am not sure why I made that mistake since it CLEARLY READ “RED HOTS” on the box.

They tasted like cinnamon. Fin. 3 out of 10 Nakatomi Towers

Trolli Sour Brite Canes, I will admit, were the most anticipated candy canes for me only because of the similarity to last year’s Sour Patch Kids minus the granulated sugar. The original candy is sour gummy worms which are divided into two flavors so I figured the two-flavored candy canes would be an easy winner. The only trepidation I have with Trolli is…

..the mutha fuckin’ worms! God, it’s like a cross between a nightmare and a German children’s book! I can’t tell if it’s the eyes or the “To Catch A Predator” grin. That Santa hat doesn’t hide the fact this worm wants to communicate with kids in AOL chatrooms, show up to their house to eat cookies and sit when ever Chris Hanson tells it to.

The candy is actually pretty comparable to the gummy worms and though there are two different flavors in each, I can say they kept true to the original combinations. Overall, if you like tart and fruit flavored candy canes, you should dig these. 8 out of 10 Ruby Deagle electric stair chairs

Warheads! I remember when these were first introduced to the public back in back in the late 1980’s. I am sure they were around before that but not as the Warhead candy we know today. I used to love them but when the palate becomes mature, the love of beets and garlic take the place of super sour candy and what a weird parabola that is! That’s why there is an unimpressed cat looking at them.

I tried to find like originals to the candy canes and this was as close as I could get. Stuck with another blue raspberry. The War Head was pretty extreme and I wasn’t very excited to try another sour candy right after as a comparison, but lucky for me, the candy canes are the opposite from their original base. Instead of starting out sour and going sweet, these start sweet and have the sour powder inside. I found that to be welcomed.

But were they the same? Not even close. That’s a good thing! 9 out of 10 Yankee Candle Mistletoe Car Scents

Finally, I finish with these Dr. Seuss-looking candy canes. They have no other candy comparison unless you consider pie a comparable original. Curly Canes are more for look than taste because with such a generic theme like pie, these guys could go anywhere. And they did. I will say, watch out for Banana Cream Pie. It tastes like hot garbage. But the cool packaging and loopy shapes make this a winning addition to the holiday. And there is no way this cane will fall off a tree limb. 8 out of 10 Advent Calendar X-E Countdowns of Yesteryear

This was fun! All of these Candy Canes were around $3.50 per box so not a real hit on the wallet unless you buy all of these varieties at once. If anyone wants to come over, I have a few hundred candy canes for you.

I have to go to the dentist now. Teeth aren’t suppose to become loose after sneezing, right? I find that to be weird.

40

Up ↑