The Noun Game….FROM HELL! Part 1

When I was a kid my family used to play games to pass the time during long car trips. Anything to keep Mom from playing the Les Miserables cassette for the fifteenth time. One of those games was “The Noun Game” and how you play is someone choses a person, place or thing that is relevant to the surroundings. The other players have twenty questions and only three guesses before the person with the secret noun wins that round. It passed the time, at least until All Things Considered came on the radio.

I was up late last night doing hours of video editing for this Hell Show and for some reason I started thinking about that game and what would the Noun Game be like if I had to go into the deepest caverns of my fears. I am not talking about Jason from Friday the 13th or even Linda Blair but far far more disturbing. The kind of uneasy scare that seems to put a gloom over the day and causes one to watch the Boomerang channel for a solid eight hours to wash the “ick” off your mind.

Here in my NOUN GAME FROM HELL!

Person: Shaye St. John

Traveling down the wormhole of YouTube, you are bound to run into many odd things but nothing compares to Eric Fournier’s creation of a tragic shell of a model/starlet who was hit by a train and then subjected to psychological experiments by the CIA. To call these series of videos weird who be an understatement like dropping a chainsaw on your lap and calling it a boo boo. This taps into some of my more primal fears: mannequins.

I know that the creator died a few years ago but I don’t want to research much more into that. When one searches too much into something it takes the sting out of it. I like to think of it as the movie Tourist Trap but for real. The bizarre nature of these videos and settings are played out as if I am actually watching my nightmares on the computer. Art can be scary and this is fucking scary art.

Places: Monster Plantation at Six Flags, Georgia

Nothing creeps me out more than when something is meant to be cute and charming but comes off as disturbing and grotesque. Like sweet creatures who lure you in and win you over with kindness then tear you limb from limb. The dark ride, Monster Plantation (now Monster Mansion) was one of those rides that had me wide-eyed as a kid and invaded my nightmares.

Just like many dark ride, you tour the animatronic maze in a boat with herky-jerky monsters who sing songs and talk indirectly to you. It is lighthearted but that was the scariest part for me. There was something unsettling in nature like these things could come off track and tear off someones head. I have irrational fears so if you want to stop reading now, I wouldn’t blame you. But do me a favor and at least watch this awesome video someone made from years ago. Am I crazy?

Thing: “It’s A Good Life” from The Twilight Zone: The Movie

The one thing about being a child in the early to mid-eighties is when it came to sic-fi and horror, that shit was real. I mean, not real in life but someone actually made the things that had us turn our head away in horror from the screen. It was a tangible effect that came from the mind of an artist and used to cause years of sleepless nights. I won’t say that today’s standards are less scary but I will say back then, the heart was in it.

Joe Dante directed this chapter of The Twilight Zone Movie and his adaptation made the skin crawl. The story is of an innocent teacher who by accident, becomes gets entangled with one brat of a kid. To make matters worse, he has telekinetic powers and can wish for anything we wants. When she drives him home she finds that his entire family is held hostage to his will and now she is too.

What tips the scale and qualifies for this noun game is close to the end when the Uncle Walt, played brilliantly by Kevin McCarthy, is asked to do a trick and what follows is a series of horrific monsters that are dreamed up by this sadistic little asshole. And what really shines it on is the Merry Melodies theme playing in the background! I mean, talk about mixing childhood love with doom!

The monsters kept evolving into some of the most hideous and insane animatronics imaginable. I have to say, whoever was on that set back then probably didn’t want to be the one to shut down at night.

So that is Part 1 of THE NOUN GAME FROM HELL. Part 2 is coming soon to a computer, tablet or phone near you but until then, what are some of your scariest nouns? I want to hear them. They have to be the ones that disturb you the most! Those are the rules.

September 9, 2015 3

Starburst Halloween Mix! And Maybe More.

Part of the fun this time of the year is the hunt. As rumors of what the 2015 Halloween products are become reality, its then a race against time to find them and write four hundred words in a hopefully grammatical correct fashion so we can say, “Hey internet! Look at this!”. I’m not being cynical, it’s actually a pretty fun hobby albeit a bit of a drain on the wallet. If it wasn’t for said hobby, I am sure this 37-year-old would not be the proud owner of eleven six-foot skeletons.

The hunt this early in the game was for the semi-elusive Starburst Halloween Mix. I first learned about these via Twitter and since that very second I have been scouring every grocery, drug and dollar store because when you take one of my favorite candies and make a Halloween Mix out of them, I am pretty sure I would travel to another time zone to obtain them.

Boy, if this is any indication of what we can expect from the 2015 Halloween season, a meteor is welcome to smash the planet to Gorin dust after November first because I don’t think it will get much better. Frankenstein’s Monster graces the package in such a pleasing way he almost says, “Will, this was made especially for you since the stock price of Starburst is trading at an all time high thanks to your continuing loyalty and recommendation we melt all the yellows down and use them for eco-friendly fossil fuels.” Frank also appears to have lost the “Halloween Mix” sign in the dumpster and unfortunately came up with a possible Kotex on his head. That sucks, Frank.

Honestly, there has never been a better mascot/spokes-monster than Universal’s Frankenstein’s Monster. If you need more proof just ask Matt and Jay or listen to the first episode of the famous podcast, The Purple Stuff.

The Halloween Mix is a combination of four different and spooky flavors, each with a pretty dang sweet character. We have “bewitched blueberry” with a cat, “batty blackberry” with an evil bird, “chilling cherry kiwi” with the fleshless head of Abe Vigota, and finally “mysterious mango” with a cute version of Captain Howdy. I must say, the careful consideration to not only come up with individual flavors and names but mascots too has me spinning in my chair and I am at the dinning room table! This is surely the work of the Devil and that’s alright by me.

Peaking inside the individual wrapped Starburst we see the quite the pleasant hue but it takes away a little of the spooky magic. I think this time of the year it’s okay to just “Cinnaburst” these and eat them in the wrapper. (don’t do that)

There are so many variations of Starburst out now, I think a taste review would not make much of a difference because no matter what I say, they will be pretty fucking great. The root canal that comes later however, will not be but trust me, one Starburst flavor is as good as another. Unless you are King Cherry. Nothing beats King Cherry.

ALL HAIL STARBURST HALLOWEEN MIX! You did not disappoint and in fact, I will buy ten full packs and pass them out to the first ten trick-r-treaters this Halloween and let the rumors spread until I have hundreds throwing eggs at my house in disappointment. Kinda like giving a seagull your last hotdog bite at the beach and then getting swarmed. Kids are annoying birds.

In other news, we have another eye catcher! While I was doing the “Shimmy Slide” down the aisle of CVS, I saw a bag so Halloweenie, I could not just leave them. Oh no, with an orange and black bag full of ghouls, I had to have it, even if it was just fodder for another tattoo idea.

Here we have Halloween Lifesaver Gummies “Spooky Shapes” with three really pissed off looking characters on the front. Honestly, these aren’t the cute and friendly characters this nanny state is used to. Oh no, these things look like they will chomp your bottom. Especially the cat. I have two and yes, they will chomp bottoms.

The bag does have a lighter side to it because checkout this Lifesaver spider! HA!! Whoever thought of this should have a company day dedicated to them over at Lifesavers. Like Clive Barker said in reference to Jaws, “…some ideas are right there in front of your face the entire time.”

But as cool as the evil characters are on the main bag and the hilarious Lifesaver spider, all the great things come in small packages.

Look at that! Have you ever seen so much Halloween put on one small bag of gummy goodness??? It reminds me of late September in elementary school when the teachers would start decorating the classroom with the classical Halloween decorations we grew up loving. You cannot help but get nudged just a little bit into the season by looking at this orange and black bag. I love it. I LOVE IT!!!!

Looking closer, however, those are the exact same ghosts, cats and bats from the Starburst wrappers. Oh well, it doesn’t diminish my love for the bags, wrappers, clip art or orange #5. If you need me I’ll be working off this sugar hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Thanks for reading!

September 3, 2015 4

And so It Begins…

Welcome to the annual Halloween Hell Show or formerly known as The Halloween Countdown. This year will be something that will shift the idea that Halloween is just a holiday and not a season. Oh no, this ghoulish holiday season will be touted from the highest mausoleums and abandoned church bells, letting all good people know that orange is the new black and visa versa. We don’t mess around here at VeggieMacare during the season which specters roam the hollow and devils rap at the backdoor. Oh no, this is the time to embrace the macabre that most shy away from. The sights and sounds which kept us up at night, forcing closet lights to remain lit, will be faced during the next few weeks. Today, September first, Halloween has begun.

So, with that said, what are we doing this year? Oh boy oh boy, let me fill you in!

PLACES!

I am one of those jerks who has to see it to believe it. From shows like Ghost Adventures to Unsolved Mysteries, I go to quite a lot spooky destinations that I have always wanted to visit and a few really left me not only scratching my head but actually frightened.

MOVIES!

What is Halloween without scary movies? That’s like Christmas without a tree! In a new video-cast , I will be bringing you many many many spooky films that you have to include in you Halloween celebration. Some are the ones you have always known and probably not. Either way, you will be enlightened and entertained. I hope.

JOINT OPERATION BLOGGER!

You can’t have 100% fun without friends. Boy, do I have friends. This season I am combining forces with some of the best people on the planet who have as much fun with this season as I do. Some who you might know and others you will be introduced to. Your friends and are my friends and my friends are your friends so keep your eyes peeled because you might just see yourself!

REVIEWS!

Nothing beats the new products of Halloween. NOTHING! From the much anticipated monster cereals to the always disappointing Jones Soda cans every trip to the grocery store is an adventure. Any aisle can bring spooky delights so when you go to the store for shampoo, don’t be surprised if you come home with a 6′ skeleton pirate. (True story) It’s all apart of the fun of Halloween.

This intro is a little light but trust me, in like a lamb and out like a lion is how I want this year to be. (Unlike everything else on this site) So kick back and WELCOME TO THE HALLOWEEN HELL SHOW.

September 2, 2015 2

Summer Evening Storms: Ain’t What They Used To Be

Middle school is a tough time for many kids, especially boys. I say boys because the transition from elementary to middle requires something that we, as a male species hate, and that is results. It’s true, little boys go kicking and screaming when it comes to the period of growing up. I know I did.

The summer of 1991 was a pretty huge change for me. I left the comforts of a cush’ fifth grade life to that of an accelerated sixth grader who, in reality, probably shouldn’t have been. A standard sixth grader would have been just fine. And as if that wasn’t hard enough, my family got transferred to Phoenix, Arizona smack in the middle of the school year. It was a royal suck.

Being the new kid, I didn’t really have any friends besides this kid named Reed, who was the most popular kid in school and lived down the street from me. During school he would pretend not know me but after he would always show up at my house ready to talk me into some sort of mischief. And when I say mischief, I mean stuff that would end up on Fox News today because, lets face it, we live in a shaming society. Let me list a few activities for you because we were complete little assholes.

Throw oranges from the citrus trees over the highway barrier into traffic.
Get into ROCK WARS in the desert with other kids
Snipe small animals with BB guns
Roll smoke bombs into garages of those who kept them cracked open for their cats
T.P. teacher’s houses
Hit golfers with water balloons launched from a water balloon launcher
And much more

So, when peer pressure got old I would retreat to the house and build monster models while watching movies that I knew would haunt me as soon as dusk came. I believe that is sort of the way I have always run my life. Sure it feels good now but damn if I won’t pay for it later.

My love of the macabre would rear its head especially during the Arizona evening storms that would light the sky and rumble the foundations of the house. The heat of the day with a mix of northern cool air would produce some of the most fantastic electrical storms I have ever seen and while most kids probably thought nothing of it, I was buried under my blankets, counting the distance of the storm by the Poltergeist method of seconds between lightning and thunder. And we all know what happens when the storm got closer.

I remember riding my bike home for dinner and staring off into the distance over the mountains and seeing the ominous clouds build in the distance like billowing army, marching closer and closer as the afternoon-evening transformed to night. The wind chimes would clang as the wind slowly increased force until it sounded like a spectral howl, wailing with creepy peaks and valleys. As the sun set, an orange hue set upon the whole house and the distraction of dinner in front of the TV was welcome but in the back of my head, night was coming and soon the storm would be here.

My Mom hated these electrical storms and would demand the TV be unplugged at the first rumble of thunder for fear of a power surge. It supposedly happened to my parents back when I was an infant and ever since then, no matter what size surge protector we had, the TV was going off. That meant off to bed to dwell in my thoughts.

You see, I didn’t have any brothers or sisters growing up and with my Dad always gone on trips, it was just me and Ma at the house. With a Mom who was as nervous as a dog on the 4th of July, I was pretty much left to my own overactive imagination. And as a horror goon, that was pretty grim. Constantly I would see images of Regan’s horrid face from the movie The Exorcist as she would peer from the window when the lightning lit the sky. Why oh why did I watch that from the hallway when Dad had it on HBO earlier in the year? (That’s a rhetorical question because back then, that’s how every sixth grader saw The Exorcist.)

These nights were pretty tough because every ghoul and spook seemed to creep into my thoughts and cause me to hear and see things that just weren’t there. Even passages of books read for fun at the pool would come to haunt me these evenings. “We dare not look out the back window of the house for that’s where the dead wander and rap upon our door.”- Bell Witch

I really hated myself during those few agonizing nights but as soon as the sun came up, I would completely forget the terrors which plagued me just hours before. Nope, it was a new day with no cares in the world. That is until four o’clock came again.

Today, I am still the twisted little kid who loves to get spooked by movies and stories but I have come to love these evening summer storms. Like Eddie Rabbit says, it washes my cares away and even relaxes me into repose. My dog, however, doesn’t agree but I can be the comfort to whatever he is thinking. I am sure it’s not the Tar Man coming out of the closet but who knows? He watches all these silly movies with me now and I don’t know what damage that has done.

I hope you get these summer storms and if so have grown to appreciate them as much as I have. Just remember, the little things in life are what makes everything worth it.

FYI, big stuff coming and as a hint, REVIEW THE WORLD is visiting again! Badda Bing! The What The Hell Show begins!

July 23, 2015 4

This Is No Dream! This Is Really Happening!

Yes, Mia Farrow, this is really happening. Coming this July, The What The Hell Show goes live and soon you will all be subjected to my mind, wit and poor Final Cut skills. This has been in motion since its conception last August and now we are at the final countdown for launch. So what to expect?

Well, the original shows like Beers With Movie Sauce and Spooky Carolina will still be going on (actually better produced and with more people) but it will be under the umbrella of The What The Hell Show. Expanding from there we will be running a weekly podcast interviewing neat people from freelance writers, actors, fellow webmasters to local rock stars and all around fun people. These will be able to be downloaded free and streamed live. Also you can watch reviews, the normal Halloween Countdown and other random fun videos to spend your work hours watching instead of doing your job. I am here for you.

There are other people (much smarter than me) who are helping to make this program a reality and I cannot thank them enough. Especially since they take beer and food as payment. So, sit back and watch Will, the responsible one and Bill, the irresponsible one, talk about what is happening.

Also, I just learned how to clone so ignore the difference in lighting. Give this old dude a break.

June 25, 2015 4

Category: horror

And so It Begins…

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