FLTO: Brach’s Weird Flavored Candy Corn

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Brach’s, you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOOOK! Sorry, that was from the movie Patton. But in all fairness, Brach’s Candy Corn is the Rommel to the autumn mixes. When you think mellowcreme® pumpkins, you think Brach’s. Shit, they’ve only been doing this for over a century. I think they deserve the crown.

Today (last night) I reviewed their breakaway from the mold. In every business there is a ceiling to a product’s life until it is copied and duplicated hundreds of times. That’s when companies alike diversify. Brach’s did just that this year with three new flavors that may woo a few of you candy corn haters over. And if your thinking the Starburst debacle from last year, you can rest easy. These are nothing like that.

S’mores, Caramel Macchiato and Apple Pie are the three newest members of the Candy Corn flavors to hit the shelves this season. I found these at the local Wallgreens for a little under $1.30. Now, I am not a huge candy corn lover outside of what it represents nostalgically, (the literal definition of “eye candy”) but these surprised me!

Check out my review and see what my jury of taste buds thought.

 

FLTO: Caramel Apple Filled Twizzlers

“…the Angel of the Lord came down from Heaven, and they were so afraid! The angel said, “fear not for I bring you tidings of great joy. For this Fall season, Caramel Apple filled twists from Twizzlers are here to stick to your molars.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-04 at 4.37.43 PMI spotted these a few weeks ago in a Kmart. Yes, there was barely a squeak of Halloween in the one of three remaining Kmarts in the North Carolina state but my weird sixth sense indicated there was something to be found. Like when Vader smells old man Obi Wan’s Force-stink on the Death Star. I sensed something I had not sensed since…

There they were! It has been a few weeks so today I will bust these out and try them just for you. I don’t have high hopes for these because I have never been a huge caramel apple lover. When you say the words “caramel apple” I always imagine funny ways the elderly lose their dentures. Other than that, it is nothing more than fair food you want to throw out thirty seconds after you buy one. Maybe in Twizzler form they would be more appealing?

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I will be honest, the first presentation of these are pretty eye appealing. It looks like a Peruvian pan flute if the Peruvian band covered Agent Orange tunes. The green of the licorice is a Gremlin-blood green while the caramel looks almost too perfect. The contrast is strikingly nice. But what about the taste?

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Wow, that is exactly a caramel apple blend! I don’t know what else I was expecting but the caramel really over powers everything after a second or two. It’s not that the Twizzler’s apple flavoring sucks or anything, it’s really just me. I grew up on the precursor to adding “sour” before anything “apple” when it comes to candy. When an apple flavored anything comes along that doesn’t have a zing, I am left with an overall blasé feeling. Like I said, it’s not the fault of Twizzler, I just keep chasing that dragon.

This season Caramel Apple is a contender for what Pumpkin has become. It is showing up almost every where from seasonal ice cream, candy corn, and coffee, to now Twizzlers. I don’t hate it and to be honest, if it wants to make a run for it, I wish it well. Just stay out of my beer. Unless…cider beer? Hrm. I am going to have to think on that one.

So, on a scale of one to ten severed Sleep Hollow residents heads, I give Caramel Apple Filled Twizzlers a seven. The lackluster green apple kept it from achieving a grade that would be hung on a fridge.

Go get some. They come in Halloween fun sizes too!

The Halloween Spook Show 2014 Begins!!!

And so it begins.

Welcome and thank you for joining in on this insane journey as we celebrate together the best season of the year. I have planned this one out since, I don’t know, last November? There are certain people in this world who have a connection to the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual so the duty of writing, filming and photographing everything this Halloween season is a job which I revel in. But what does that mean, you ask?

Well, here is a tease of the season ahead:

Spooky NC!

Holy cats, ya’ll. I have been around the block since the beginning of Spring to film a lot of scary locations and real haunts from North Carolina all the way down to Mobile, Alabama. I know the title is geographically misleading but after I started the page, I couldn’t change the name. To find the past Spooky NC trips just click HERE!

Horror Business!

You’ve seen my Beers with Movie Sauce show, haven’t you? This Halloween it will return but with shorter episodes because, lets face it, no one is going to sit through a fifteen minute video about a movie they have seen. Brevity is the key to comedy. Expect this to shine closer to October in a countdown to the best horror movies you may or may not have experienced.

Celebrity Guests!

I won’t spoil the surprise but this season there will be awesome joint bloggers and guests who many of you are familiar with. I am that kid who shouts what the gift is before the other person has a chance to open it so I will stop here.

BREIIIIEEE IT’S KILLING ME!!!

Tales Of The Macabre!

Remember back in the day when I used to write long stories of life experiences? Yeah, I saved a few just for this season. Like the time I ruined my first grade Halloween recital in front of the whole school and my parents. I think I am brave enough to talk about that now. This is my version of therapy.

Reviews!

Ho-Boy I have spent some cheddar this year. I have lots and lots to talk about when it comes to silly Halloween retail that you must buy. From food to beer to a headless horseman costume, it’s all on the table this year. There’s a reason I bought two mega hard drives and a production studio. Shit, I am in the middle of building a bar to film my “Halloween Cocktail” show. Trust me, it’s fucking stupid but oh so fun.

Friends!

And it wouldn’t be Halloween if I didn’t talk about DinosaurDracula, Review the World, Sexy Armpit and the like. They kill it when it comes to this season and please, please, please, support Dino Drac and the awesomeness that he brings to this Halloween season by subscribing to the Fun Packs. They are so worth it and each box is like having 1991 spring in your living room, knocking over furniture, flipping out the cat and then crash through the window only to distantly sound car alarms and sirens. It’s crazy. Click here to spend your money on something amazing.

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I can’t thank you enough for coming along with me down this dark and scary road. I promise it will be fun. I PROMISE! The postings will be pretty regular throughout the week. I am not going to tie myself to a midnight deadline for everyday because of that whole career thing but it will be busy here. Lots of videos and tons of articles to pass the time in your cubicle. I know what you do at work.

Let the show begin.

October For A Sunday

Every so often I get a Sunday like this one and brother, these are so rare I just can’t waste them. It’s dark and rainy out with no sign of it stopping, so in my mind I am creating an “October Sunday”. What is an October Sunday, you ask? Well, it’s a day when you barricade yourself in a safe spot and pretend it’s October just so you can watch spooky flicks, drink cider and act on all the Fall fun, if just for a few hours. But be careful, long time lovers of the macabre season can get burned out if we do this too often so it’s best to take Bastian’s advice from The Never Ending Story when he was conserving his lunch, “No…not too much. We still have a long way to go.”

I think this October Sunday (not a U2 song) I will impart my tricks of the trade with you, incase you find yourself months away from Target selling skeletons and severed hands and want to dip your toe in some creepy activities. I am not saying I am doing everything that you would consider fun but this may be a loose guideline and perhaps an idea or two will help you muster your inner Satan. Or you can read this and say I am crazy. Either way.

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Summer is for grilling and Autumn is for crock potting. If you want to have an early October there is no better way than to slow cook pot roast. It quite honestly is my olfactory link to The Simpson Treehouse of Terror, Season 2. I can’t explain it and don’t even want to dissect why for fear it would somehow change my link of meat to a cartoon but if I really am all in for an October Sunday, there’s got to be a fiddle in the band. And by fiddle I mean pot roast. The band is a crock pot.

I bet there is a vegetarian way to do this too. I love you all and if meat isn’t on the menu, share with us what you would do! I am curious.

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Coffee is my fuel that drives creativity, mental prowess, jitters and my ability to say “Big Bertha bought Bill’s bakery before Bob’s birthday” two hundred times in a minute. Lucky for me on this dark and stormy Sunday, I reserved pumpkin spice from Archer’s Farm to add that need boost to trick my taste buds into believing I will be sipping this while watching AMC’s Fearfest. A little goes a long way and after today, I will not visit anything pumpkin for another three months. I just need a quick fix.

Oh, and if you are going to buy a Keurig coffee maker, don’t buy the VUE. No one sells the damn cups unless you are at Bed Bath and Beyond or ordering online. And if you know me, then you know I often don’t have coffee here. I just happened to be at Bed Bath and Beyond for a table-cloth. That’s my life now, ladies and gentlemen. I shop around for a table-cloth.

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While you wait EIGHT HOURS for the pot roast to cook you need a spooky snack. I decided the good people at Hormel had just the canvass for a little Jack-o-Pepperoni. Behind that is extra sharp cheddar. Anything duller is completely unacceptable unless you can find habanero cheddar. That is very much acceptable.

The vehicle for the meat and cheese can be anything. I recently ripped through a box of Triscuits, grossing out my dog, so I am forced to use pretzels. God, how I wish I had some Triscuits.

Also, you vegetarians, I am sorry there is another meat. Replace pepperoni with apple.

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Alright, so we have the crock pot rocking, sending crazy good smells throughout the house, the pumpkin coffee is brewed and horror snacks are made without severing a finger trying to carve faces in meat. Now we find that little hideaway that is safe from the rest of normal society. For me, it’s my office. The only place where a 36-year-old can safely bask in pictures of Skeletor and Michael Myers. Even though it’s still rainy and windy outside, there is too much light. I don’t have blackout shutters so I have to make do with the guest bed comforter. The October Sunday is much more effective if it’s dark. Very dark.

I recently washed this comforter myself and you can still see areas where the stuffing separated. I swear those are not stains. I swear. Also, if you hang this up using a swivel chair with wheels, godspeed.

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Of course, how can we have a creepy Sunday without a terribly good horror flick? It’s honestly impossible to achieve full spooky without a horror movie. Lucky for me, I have a few of these horror collections, Netfix, Hulu and Vudu. Out of all these, I am sure there is something that will suffice. I am thinking The Unholy. Bare boobs can add a few bonus points, if you are looking for extra credit.

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It’s coming together but we aren’t quite there. As you can see, my little space is ready for a great Sunday of escapism full of blogging, horror movie watching and internet surfing. The aroma candle is lit and my buddy, Cosmo the Great, is sawing logs on the bed behind me. We just have one little detail left to complete.

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Perfection! It’s 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon and I am safely removed from any hint that it is the beginning of June. For all I know, shut in my capsule of delusion, it’s October 17th, 2023. It’s a fine Sunday indeed. I think another “Beers with Movie Sauce” review is on the books for later this afternoon, but for now, I will bask in this great little lie I call October Sunday. Try it! You’ll like it. But remember, not too much. We still have a long way to go.

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Of course I can’t leave out Matt’s Dinosaur Dracula archives. You didn’t think I forgot that, did you? Come on, I’m a pro at this.

 

Junior Mints Pastels: Limited Edition

Junior Mints will always be the candy that Kramer accidentally dropped into the open cavity of a body undergoing surgery during an episode of Sinfeld. I have no real ties to them other than that and they seem to be the #3 choice for all movie-goers. Honestly, do people buy Junior Mints outside of the movie theater? I don’t think I have seen anyone walking around eating them in another environment.

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Well, regardless if Junior Mints are eaten in a movie theater or over an operating table, the Tootsie Roll Company has painted the deer turd-looking treat a pastel shade of blue and yellow in celebration of Spring and Easter. Whoopie! They have the same texture and minty flavor as the everyday Junior Mint but whether it is psychosomatic or the chemical makeup has changed, they are weird.

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To me, I think it is the choice of color. Yes, yellow is the normal Spring color but the blue kind of throws me and I think I know why. That shade of blue and the fact it has a mint taste brings me back to forced visits to my great aunts in Pennsylvania. I hated going there because for whatever reason, I had a fear of old people. And they were old!

I know this sounds like I was a cruel spoiled dick of a kid and maybe so, but sitting on a couch wrapped in plastic as my Mom and Grandmother talked with them about phlegm and bruises that won’t go away just really took a kids appetite and killed it for seven years. From the vaporizers to the electric chairs on stairs, I prayed for these visits to be quick. Also, I hate slippers.

Coming back to the blue mints, my great aunts also had bowls of blue mint candy. From what year, it’s anyones guess but I bet if the mints could talk they would tell you their vote was casted for Dwight Eisenhower. No matter what excuse I made, the aunts would not let me leave unless I had a pocket full of these dreadful pieces of candy. I had to endure this until the Japanese invented the Gameboy. God bless that wonderful country.

So, Pastel Junior Mints taste the same but their ability to unleash suppressed memories is pretty amazing. Congratulations Junior Mints! Now I am thinking of lipstick stained crumpled tissues.

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