Ebay Be Damned!

Before I begin on this post tonight, I wanted to let a few of you that still read VM in on the new stuff that has been happening to the WordPress page. It’s changing and soon it will be a “dot com” rather than a “dot wordpress”. Part of the reason is that I have visualized this site into something more grandeur and fun. You know, with videos, interviews, links, articles and pages for….whatever? Anyway, it is finally coming to fruition and as soon as some cascading word and the cool intro is done I, I will launch it. Also will be the collaboration of one of my favorite sites and internet peeps, Brian of Review the World. I think you will notice similarities, especially in the review section. So, keep a heads up and look for your personal invite in the interwebs mail. The contrast will look something like this…

Now on to the content of tonight’s post; “What I have blown good money on thanks to eBay”. There is no question that I am always tardy to the party when it comes to fads or even really cool life changing items that most everyone has. It’s true! When everyone in high school loved Nirvana I purchased and was enamored with Motely Crue’s Dr. Feelgood album…on cassette. When kids in elementary school had He-Man, I had Star Wars. Call me old school, call me out of touch but to this day I look at the “now” and I stick with “when”. So it should come as no surprise that on Sunday, eBay and I became buddies. Look at the crap I bought!

I have a knack for destroying watches. Whether it is my $32 dollar Ironman running watch or my $3k Swiss watch, all have been put in a box because I guess I sway my arms around like Gilbert’s little brother. I have anthropomorphic images of my watches huddling together and clinging to the one I take out of the box for fear that this will be the last time they see one another. Did you know that I am older than five?

Oh yeah, so I bought the watch you see above for $10. I bought The Last Starfighter watch for $10! I bought a watch, with a picture of Alex Rogin holding a Star League uniform for $10! Granted it is shipped from Hong Kong for almost the same price but…I will have a watch with a mini movie poster of the movie, The Last Starfighter. If it tells time, that will be a bonus.

This is a t-shirt that I really couldn’t say no to owning. Apparently this was a 70’s B-rated action film that is pressed into glorious fashion. I really do pray that I don’t wear this around anyone with…you know…no legs. But still, how could you say no to the movie tag-line, “He’ll cut you down to size”?

Now, this is taken on faith but I bought, er, won the auction for the autographed picture of Bossk, the bounty hunter from Empire Strikes Back. For $15 I figured ignorance is bliss if it’s a fake and it is going to a friend anyway. I like to imagine he signed this in costume because those claws look pretty tricky to write in.

So, that is what this guy wasted $67.oo on this weekend. The t-shirt is shipped from the UK and it came at a price of 17£ which I guess at the current standard equates to around $29 bucks or so. I don’t care, that shirt puts me into a new elite status among my peers.

Goodnight and be well!

April 12, 2011 4

The Checkout Conveyor Belt

I really think I need to take a time out and readjust my attitude as of late. Work has been as stressful as ever and I find myself in limbo with most of life. I know everything will workout but it is a matter of finding the path of least resistance and avoiding the garden rakes that litter the yard. Last night, however, I almost had an episode in the grocery store. (Warning….there will be f-bombs and such. For those of you who know me for my gentle side, I am sorry. Eye-muffs.)

The shopping cart dismount: I love it when someone leaves their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle to go “on foot” to shop. Are beans an illusive product that will slip away when one is being marred down by a cart? Very rarely do I push a cart in the grocery store but rather carry a basket because, well, I am a guy so there for I am incapable of writing a list for mass shopping or can last more than thirty minutes in any store. But I think next time I will just leave my basket in the middle of the aisle and ponder for ten minutes what salsa looks better.

The Meat Guy: I don’t know if the guy behind the meat counter is a butcher or not, but no matter what I am buying he always asks me how I am going to cook something. Now, I am not a jerk in nature. I hate people who are cantankerous for no reason because I know a few. But when I am buying ground beef, trust me pal, I aint boiling or nuking it. This is petty but when you are not into small talk, small-talkers become worse than close-talkers.

The Human Element: You know you do this. I work really hard in life not to judge people but sometimes you are what you eat and there have been many times when I have peered into another person’s shopping cart to see what he or she fuels with. I know I am not the only one because I was looking for sharp cheddar when I heard a woman next to me comment on the fact I had organic apples.

“You know they are all the same, right?” she preached. What does one say to this? Should I get into a debate about apples? Should I serve her with a lunge competition? I really didn’t know where to go with that so I asked her where the organic cheeses were.

There are certain rules I follow in the grocery store: 1. Don’t preach to others about their eating habits. 2.Don’t make eye contact with women in the feminine hygiene aisle. 3.Spend less than 30 seconds in the cookie, cracker and chip aisle. 4. Check the eggs. Oh! And 5. Don’t compliment someone’s hairnet unless you mean it.

Check-Out: Maybe it’s just me but I always feel in a rush at checkout and it’s usually because “Check-out Mary” is leaning on the conveyor belt button forcing everything into a disorganized mess that has me frazzled and panicking to get my separator bar between me and the next person so I don’t get home to find that I purchased a pregnancy test that was intended for the girl infront of me. And I think “Checkout Mary knows this too because she keeps that conveyor belt on a steady roll until I finally give up as if to say, “fine…have my canned soup and yogurt. Hope they go in the same bag.”

Did you find everything okay?: Man, you gotta love that question! If I had not, and was incapable of asking when I was in the process of shopping, it’s a safe assumption that defeat was already declared. And only a true asshole would say no and make everyone wait while they retrieved that particular item that was so illusive to begin with. Next time I am asked this I think I will retort with, “No Checkout Mary, where are the fucking vegetables, meat and milk? I’ve been here for an hour but all I seemed to have found was cat litter and soap. Oh, I have coupons and will be writing a check.”

Do you need help carrying this to your car?: I came here with only a basket. That equates to only four bags at most. So yes.

I know this isn’t “Checkout Mary’s” fault because I am sure corporate Safeway makes it mandatory that she ask but I equate this to the same retarded ideas as “no child left behind” and “zero tolerance” policies. Removing human thought and the ability to judge for one’s self eliminates the need for the brain. It’s as simple as that. Please America, entrust that a checkout girl can think for herself. Unless that is not their policy and “Checkout Mary” thinks I am a douche. Hmmm.

So, I want to thank you for letting me get this off my chest. We all get screws loose and sometimes screws fall out. It’s an imperfect world. I am back to normal now because writing is therapeutic to me. Be well and please, be excellent to each other. Especially your meat guy and “Checkout Mary”.

March 9, 2011 5

SKEEEEE KABLOOM!!! crackle crackle crackle

Those were firework sounds.

So I am back and this time I am here to stay. I know this has been said before but seriously, this time I mean it. I have crossed a new milestone my friends and one I never thought I would. I have gone two months without a single blog. There will be two spaces on my blog-monthly-list you see to the left, that will be forever vacant. But trust me, my real life that I include in these streaming words of consciousness is just as vacant. Nothing really happened. Somewhere, someone had an earth-shattering life experience that many years from now can tell you where and when they were in the time that life merely skipped by me and I feel good to say….it’s okay. I am glad that there are two missing months to forget. It teaches me to appreciate the months that are present. At least on my blog.

Anyway, BIG NEWS!!!! Review the World. com and Veggie Macabre are teaming up. I consider it to be like the Ultimate Warrior and Rowdy Roddy Piper teaming up or perhaps maybe eating and living. Pretty much two great combos. I have been a huge fan of Brian and his web-page for years so I am very fortunate to get this opportunity. I have a feeling between the TV portion and the random articles, he and I will make this the internet that I have always wanted; loving the little things and and doing it with a sense of humor. Kind of like this.

February 12, 2011 6

Why I Blog

Why is it that I always experience true hilarity with no one around to share it with? Sometimes I feel like I am in the movie, They Live, and only I notice what is going around me. But instead of sunglasses that revile submission signs and skeletoned-alien faced creatures, I just over analyse each and every human exchange and wait for the punchline.

I was grocery shopping the other day and after two cups of tea and a bottle of water I made a detour to the latrine before proceeding to the produce. But before I could get there I passed by a gentleman who was followed by another leaving the said restroom. Here was the exchange between the two:

Man 2-“Sir! Sir?….You forgot your book in the stall.”

Man1- “Oh…thank you.’

Man2-“He dies at the end. Have a good day!”

Man1-“…..”

Okay, there is so much funny here I don’t know where to begin. I mean one, the guy brings his reading material to the grocery store (that’s planning ahead), two he forgets it, three some good samaritan picked it up off the ground (unless the reader has sever prostate issues, I don’t think he was finishing a chapter while peeing. Ew.), four the good samaritan turns out to be a spoiler-dick of a person and of course five, the speechless expression on man1’s face.

See? I never get to share these experiences with anyone. And that, my friends, is why I blog because I will see something like this below, turn to my fellow passenger and it will be gone. Damn it.

November 12, 2010 12

Beer, Bees and Vurps

It’s time for another wonderful beer review. This time we have breached the wire into the Holiday brews more commonly refered to as “Winter Ales” and to be honest with you, I’m not a huge fan. I am not a person for sweet stuff. Not even remotely. So when you add a ton of sugar and spices to man’s greatest invention, you can tell that I’ll turn my nose high and make my patented shit face. But a few do pass the test. The first couple did not. Actually in the 5th video I almost lose it. I’ll explain in a minute.

But first here is a beer that I hate.Proving that just because you wear an “It’s All Good” shirt doesn’t make everything “all good”. Oh, and my cat attacks a bee and I become a concerned parent. Such a sad life I lead at times.

You can actually skip ahead to the last 2 minutes of this and witness a true “boomerang” shot of beer. I don’t recall why, but when I drank the last sip it did not sit well at all and I had a mild episode. Of sorts. Thanks Mike for capturing the moment when I fought the need to yarf on the camera.

One small step for me, one giant leap backward for my manhood. Enjoy.