It’s been a slow kickoff for the new holiday blogger-anza (made that up) but don’t fret, I have something that not only sings to my heart, it sings to my esophagus. Ever have something sing to your esophagus? It’s weird because you sing using esophagus. I have derailed.
This year Target is offering an array of various hot sauces with different flavors and levels of heat in their “Holiday Heat” variety pack. I love spicy condiments so much I am pretty sure I haven’t had plain food in twenty years. Shit, I might not even like chicken! The fact that this is married with Christmas, I can’t even feel my legs from the excitement.
There are ten, count them, ten bottles of pain. Each on has a different flavor from the pepper variety and obvious heat level. I thought I would list each one with a paragraph explaining why my mouth is on fire but I figured that would fly for three of them. Ten bottles, however, I need to make this a bit more entertaining. That is why you notice the video below.
Nevermind, I just shot a video and it’s as repetitive and stupid as I imagined it to be. You’re getting a seven bottle countdown with the three hottest reserved for a video. Too much of both is a problem so I have spread out the pain.
Enjoy this and get this holiday pack even if it’s just to decorate your childish office.
Snowman Meltdown Zest Garlic
Is there anything better than a murdered snowman on the front of a hot sauce bottle? It puts a morbid spin on the classic Frosty the Snowman cartoon and song. Imagine if hunting stores had Rudolf carcasses displayed? Actually, they probably would do that, having lived in the Northwest for a while.
At first taste, it was extremely tart with no heat but soon after the garlic hits you and doesn’t leave for three days. I ended up taking down half the bottle in a desperate search for the spice but in the end, all I had was bad breath and a pucker face. This sauce is great against vampires but horrible against your self respect.
Mistletoe Madness Garlic Cayenne
Aw horse shit, more garlic? I just got over the last bottle thanks to sucking on a two-day old coffee filter. I understand the point of garlic flavoring but perhaps I should have spaced these two apart. I have to be on a plane tomorrow and I don’t need the attendant button pushed on me because I am sweating garlic.
Mistletoe Madness Garlic Cayenne is pretty tasty, less sour and garlic from the last but not hot at all. I don’t know what I am expecting out of this holiday pack. I guess I like hyperventilating and involuntary diarrhea?
Chimney Inferno Smokey Chipotle
Finally, I am out of garlic infused breath death and on to something totally new. Chipotle!
Am I the only one who can not say chipotle? I feel that I am not alone on this. Anyway, this smoky sauce is pretty tasty and sweet for a designated “hot sauce”. I wouldn’t apply it everywhere but in some cases like chicken or fish, I probably would lean to that. In other words, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed for eating crackers. And it’s also not spicy. NO!
Seasonal Disturbance Jalapeño Fire
OOOH! !t’s Linda Blair green and looks like a potential for a possible win. I have a thing for green hot sauces and to be honest, that’s one of the weirder things about me. Do you believe that? I think it’s just because the thought of applying green sauce to normal tacos makes me feel more extraterrestrial.
Well, it ain’t verde. Or is it? No, I think it just looks and tastes like it.
So far there has been zero heat with these reviewed sauces and it’s sucking my will to live.
Yule Be Sorry Spicy Pepper
If this sucks at least it still has the best name of the batch.
It sucks. And I am sorry.
Holiday Madness Original Tabasco Pepper
Whoa, bringing out the tabasco peppers with is one! I don’t know if that makes a difference or if it just makes me feel a little more comfortable knowing “tabasco” is on the label. I am the type of person who will probably eat spagetti if it boasts that it is made with real Coke rather than cola. It’s a horrible comparison but sadly accurate.
I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a person who should never review such products but this is exactly the same as Snowman Meltdown. I mean, it’s not even slightly different and now my breath smells like a dogs ass again. Both of my mutts are looking to stick their noses in my mouth.
Ho Ho Hot Jalapeño Pepper
Uh oh, I have a feeling this might be a repeat as well. It looks the exact same as the Seasonal Distrurbance even using the exact same ingredience and sodium level. Unless this as magic, I expect this to be a repeated bottle only better looking. I mean it, the other green jalapeño bottle looks like early 90’s Southwestern decor.
Well, slap my hammies and call me Chair, it is the same! I recognize that tart non-spicy green sauce of the deep anywhere. It’s good on bland wheat crackers and the last shred of hope I had for this pack. Happy Christmas!
Okay, we have come to the last three. Well, two. I left one out because IT IS THE EXACT SAME AS ALL THE OTHERS! Here is a short video featuring me and an old man who damn near killed himself thinking he was tougher than he really was. I have to admit, I admire the old bastard.
In closing I will give this pack a multi-tier grade because it is unfair to hammer hot sauce holiday variety pack because the concept is something that is the soul of VeggieMacabre. The soul.
A- It’s a variety pack
A- It’s hot sauce
A- It’s holiday themed
G (below F)- Because it’s says “Hot” too much and it is not. Never absolutely never not hot it isn’t.
H (Below a G)- All the sauces are the same except in different bottles.