The Obligatory List That Needed To Be Listed

In trying to keep with the “Halloween Countdown” that has been going on since August, I suppose that I shall keep on target. The last time I tried to post this a couple Halloweens ago I could not narrow the list any shorter than thirteen-thousand so with careful deliberation I have crowned a lucky five to be THE MOST ANNOYING HORROR MOVIE CHARACTERS. Why five? Why not?

Ellie Creed. Ho boy, it was a tough one figuring out which character to choose from in the Stephen King movie Pet Semetary. The amount of over acting and down right bizarre overreactions throughout the film makes me squirm. Besides Jud, Zelda and the old stomachache complainer, there are no real people of substance. But of all the annoyances the surviving kid, Ellie Creed, takes the cake. If you have seen this movie you know what I am talking about. Don’t tell me you didn’t want her hit by the truck. This kid cried and whined for almost two hours and what do we get? Nothing. Not a shovel to the face nor a zombie bite to the ear. I guess we can take comfort that she had to live with the two dick-hole grandparents.

Judy Rose. Man, it was a tough choice between these two cousins in the 1990 remake, Night of the Living Dead. Both are hillbilly buffoons but her incessant screaming, horrible driving and the inability to understand that a zombie apocalypse  is happening when she goes shit-house-mad after Mr. Greggor takes a 30/30 round to the back of the head, makes her the obvious winner. I also hate two first names. The satisfying part though, is watching her and her cousin/boyfriend explode when they decide shooting off the lock to a gas pump was a good idea.

Pvt. Salazar of George Romero’s Day of the Dead. It is¬† possible to understand being in a bit of bullocks when the world is being overrun by blue faced zombies and you are attached to the worst national guard unit in the world but Pvt. Salazar is about as useless as giving Michael J Fox a shake weight. He is just a certifiable pussy is every sense of the imagination. He reminds me of the really skinny prick at a restaurant that has an above average wife and he keeps talking about how he hasn’t had a successful bowel movement in almost two weeks. Then he blows his nose at the table and leaves exactly a twelve percent tip. I’m glad he died.

Dana Freeling. I know. I know. The real life character is dead and many believe it was the curse from the movie but this post is not about the actors, it is about the characters. Dana Freeling, in one of my favorite movies, Poltergeist, was a self absorbed teenager that was either eating or snot-slobbering in terror. Oh, and she points out that there was a tornado in the back yard right after the rest of the family was just INSIDE OF IT! A captain of the obvious too. This picture above is a great compilation of her character. The world is coming apart, her family is being tormented by ghosts, they are about to be sucked into another universe and she shows up after, what looked to be, a very vigorous make-out session based on her neck and what is she doing? Screaming “WHAT IS HAPPENING” like a jack hole because she has only experienced maybe five percent of the horror in comparison to the rest of her family. What do you think is happening, Ass? A cookout? They should have listened to Robbie and driven away.

Constable Parkins. The sheriff that is suspicious of everyone in Salem’s Lot and only because they are not a weirdo Maine-inite. I don’t know why but he just gets under my skin and at the end of the movie, he runs away to leave the people at the mercy of “the monsta”. I believe he is also the inspiration for Chief Wiggum. But that may just be me. Actually, that is the entire reason I included him in this post.

So there you have it. I know there are hundreds more but I am in the middle of packing for a spooky trip that I can not wait to show you! So, I left you with five. Five. Five idiots. Five idiot foot long. God shoot me.

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